Ricky Bobby: I'm going fast again! Cal Naughton, Jr.: How fast is he going? Lucius Washington: 26 miles per hour. Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger. Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake! Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy? Jean Girard: Hakuna Matata, bitches! [repeated line] Ricky Bobby, Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake! Schoolteacher: Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here? 10-year-old Ricky: No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves. Classmates: [Laugh at what Ricky said] Schoolteacher: Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan. 10-Year-Old Cal: Don't pay them no mind, Ricky. 10-year-old Ricky: Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever. Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet the bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that. Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C. Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo. Ricky Bobby: Nice. Texas Ranger: She said "No, you're wrong." I said "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants. Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that. Texas Ranger: Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em! Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did he just say "husband"? Herschell: Wow... Dennit hired a gay French guy as your teammate! Ricky Bobby: The room's startin to spin... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you [Ricky faints]
Cal Naughton, Jr.
: Ricky! OH GOD! [from the unrated version] Ricky Bobby: Hey. I got my license taken away. That's why I'm delivering pizzas on the bus. Man on the Subway: Mothafucka, what makes you think I care? Shut the fuck up! Ricky Bobby: I- I've just been having a lot of problems lately. Man on the Subway: Problems? Don't nobody want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem! Ricky Bobby: I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you Jean Girard: My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby. Ricky Bobby: I can't understand a word you've said the whole time. Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did you eat some peanut butter or something? Ricky Bobby: Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth Jean Girard: I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French. Ricky Bobby: You say you're French? Jean Girard: Oui. [sounds like 'We'] Ricky Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet Jean Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster? Ricky Bobby: Chinese food? Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chinese food. Jean Girard: That's from China. Ricky Bobby: Pizza. Jean Girard: Italy. Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chimichanga. Jean Girard: Mexico. Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us? Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob. Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things. Ricky Bobby: Hey. Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one's pretty cool. Cal Naughton, Jr.: Abracadabra homes Cal Naughton, Jr.: So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts? Ricky Bobby: [Television commercial] I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you. Ricky Bobby: I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment. Cal Naughton, Jr.: I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.