Larry The Cable Guy: This doctor says to this feller, "i got bad news and worse news." He says, "ohhh, whats the bad news?" the doctor says, "you've got 24 hours left to live." Then he says, "whats the worse news?" the doctor says, "i forgot to call you yesterday." Bill Engvall: My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like! Ron White: Theres this cruise ship and theres a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight. The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything. "ohh, he's puttin it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "he put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "its in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk." And the magician just hated this bird. and one night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked and the bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tane and blows the ship to a billion peices. the only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little peices of wood and the parrot goes "Alright i give up. Wheres the damn ship?" Bill Engvall: For about two weeks after that, my wife and I would be sitting at the breakfast table and there would be two or three coyotes sitting watching the back yard. And you'd know the conversation went something like this: "Naw, hell no, don't go in there, that little dog's a setup." [pause] Bill Engvall: "I ain't lyin', ask Joe what happened to him!" Bill Engvall: I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, "Where you going?", I said, "I've got my yearly physical today." "I'll go with you!" OK, how boring is your day? I'd never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It's not like we'd be breaking any new ground! It's not like I'd go, "Hey Doc, what's that?" Bill Engvall: So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Bill Engvall: Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was "Don't fart!" Yeah, you've thought about it, haven't you! 'Cause when you're standing up and you've got gas, you can clench it in. When someone's rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you're bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out. Bill Engvall: Can't have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. "The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean." Really? You'd think someone would have caught that! Bill Engvall:
My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, "What does he need that for?", and she says, "So he don't got to bend his neck to eat!" I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he's limber enough to eat! She said, "It helps his digestion!" I said, "His digestion's just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning."
Bill Engvall: We've got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they're cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it's like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, "That dog's gonna have back problems right there." No kidding! It's got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here's another one, Doc Obvious. That right there's a boy dog and he's 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk! Bill Engvall: Then we got my dog, Duke, he's a basset hound. Duke's the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can't teach that. That's just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn't know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That's why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I'm like, "Duke! Mama needs some lovin'!" Bill Engvall: I took Duke to the vet 'cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, "Isn't that unusual?" and he says, "No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it'll make him stop." I said, "What's it do?" He says, "It makes his turds taste bad." [lengthy pause as audience is laughing hysterically] Bill Engvall: "I'm sorry, Doc, did you just say 'it will make his turds taste bad'?" Let me tell you something, if you've stooped to eating turds, you've never uttered the phrase, "Oh my God! This is nasty!" Ron White: My wife and I came into Washington, D.C. on a tour bus, and she had never been to D.C. before. We were crossing the Potomac, and she asked, "What's that building right there?" And I said, "Well, it was a Hooters during the Clinton administration, then it was the Lincoln Memorial, now it's a Cracker Barrel, so, welcome!" Ron White: We've been playing at all these Indian casinos hopping from reservation to reservation. Here's how well my mother hears at 70 years old. We were at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida on the Seminole Reservation. I called my mom, and I heard my dad in the background asking, "What'd he say?" and she goes, "He said in Hollywood, you need reservations to get a cinnamon roll!" Close enough, Mom! Ron White: Our next stop was to Ft. Myers, Florida and Sanibel Island, which was where Jimmy Buffett lived when he wrote "Margaritaville". The only way to get to Sanibel Island is to cross a little rickety bridge. A little rickety freakin' bridge! I expected to see a troll and some billy goats! This bridge is so rickety, the speed limit is 5 mph, and I got a ticket! The officer asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" "I don't know, 8, 9? My foot slipped off the brake!" "I clocked you at 11 mph. More than twice the legal speed limit!" [puts his wrists together as if he is asking to be handcuffed] Ron White: "Take me to jail. I'll make a million dollars telling this story if you take me to jail for going 11 mph." Ron White:
My wife and I have a tour bus on which we have 3 dogs, 2 of which are Scottish terriers, because if you drink enough Johnnie Walker products, eventually they just send you the dogs. Our Scottish terriers' names are Birdie and Bogey, and someone said, "That's cute. You named your dogs after your golf game." I said, "If I named my dogs after my golf game, they'd be named Double Bogey and Where The Hell Is That Ball Going." Which is kind of a long name for a pet.