Nicole Richie: Do you know where the showers are? man at Caliente: Yes, they're over around that corner. They're outdoor showers. Nicole Richie: So everyone can see us shower? man at Caliente: Well, it's that kind of place. Nicole Richie: What's your name? Maggie-Dot: Maggie-Dot. Paris Hilton: Wow, that's hot! Nicole Richie: It's a Supercenter. Paris Hilton: What does that mean? Nicole Richie: I don't know. Nicole Richie: [babysitting] Okay, it says here no profanity, so that means we can't say "fuck" or "shit" around you. Oh! No sweets after eight. Paris Hilton: Here ya go. [Paris tosses her a candy bar] Nicole Richie: Will you say "Bitch"? Little Girl: I can't. Nicole Richie: Okay... what word rhymes with "witch"? Little Girl: I'm not sayin it. Unromantic Naval Officer: [reciting a poem for his wife that Nicole wrote] I love my Gail. If that's a crime, then I'll go to jail. It doesn't matter the price of bail. Because you make my heart sail. Sail like a naval boat. I'll keep you warm like an oil skin coat. Without you I'm a lost little goat. I love you, I love you, I do love you... Booh-yah. Paris Hilton: [after seeing a roomate wanted ad in the laundermat] I know it says no smoking but I love my cigs. Boss: What are you doing? Eating or working? Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton: Dancing. Boss: Dancing. Nicole Richie: [begging people for money] Can I have five dollars. No? Thanks a lot, mother fucker. Paris Hilton: How old are you? Boy at Trailer Site: 13. Paris Hilton: Sexy. Family at Trailer Site: So did you like the food? Nicole Richie: Yea, it was scrumptious. Paris Hilton: [later] That was the worst food I've ever tasted. Paris Hilton: [while looking at naked seniors] This is not how I wanted to wake up. Women Working at nudist center: What do you like about your body? Paris Hilton: Um, my stomach, and legs, face. [in a low voice] Paris Hilton: And my arms and legs. Nicole Richie: James needs to learn, I always get the last laugh. Nicole Richie: [shouting to random passing cars on the street] You want some sausage? Nicole Richie: Today we learned, don't fuck with me, that's what we learned today. Nicole Richie: [to girl with date] They're gone. [girl with date looks at Paris and Nicole while there giving evil grins] Nicole Richie: Lets get all slutty. Nicole Richie: [on speaker] My name is Bambi and I'm stuck here on the road. Im here all by myself with nothing but me and my g-string and my fluffer... can someone help? Trucker Guy 1: Where you at? Trucker Guy 2: Come on here, lets go! Trucker Guy 3: Were do you want me to meet you at? Trucker Guy 4: [makes police siren sound] Pull over! Jim: I have a way with the animals. Paris Hilton: Thats hot. Baseball Manager: What do you girls know about baseball? Nicole Richie: I saw "A League Of Their Own." I know there's no crying in baseball. Nicole Richie: [using pay phone in dugout] Cookie? Hi, you silly bitch. Paris Hilton: How many more miles to LA? Nicole Richie: How the fuck should I know? Paris Hilton: Yay, Billy's here! Nicole Richie: Come over here, you sexy bitch. Paris Hilton: What is Wal-Mart?... 'Cause, like, they sell wall stuff? Paris Hilton: What is Wal-Mart? Do they, like, sell wall stuff? Paris Hilton: Where are wells from? Paris Hilton: What does generic mean? Nicole Richie: [to the cows] Move your fat asses down here! Fast food boss: When cars with kids are passing by they want to see balloons, not the finger. Albert Leding: So, how did the girls do? Fast food boss: Well, they completly messed up everything. Paris Hilton: I'm gonna miss Justin. Nicole Richie: We never did have that threesome. Nicole Richie: [to Justin] You sould come to LA or New York with us, pick up some hot bitches. [Janet looks at Nicole with an angry look] Nicole Richie: I'm just kidding. [finding herself short of cash at Walmart] Paris Hilton: Can I take the extra stuff for free? Cashier: This is not a soup kitchen. Paris Hilton: What's a soup kitchen? [eating a plucked chicken] Paris Hilton: Tastes like chicken. Paris Hilton: That bacon smells good. Nicole Richie: Yea... They probably killed it this morning. Fast food boss: Here are your checks. Paris and Nicole. Paris Hilton: Fifty seven dollars... What do you do with this? Fast food boss: Cash them. Paris Hilton: Where do we cash them? Fast food boss: The bank. [after being asked to pluck a chicken] Nicole Richie: The only thing getting plucked around here are my eyebrows. Nicole Richie: You smell like onions. Nicole Richie: [while Paris is spraying almost the entire can of lysol into the stinky truck] Enough. Do you want to smell like that dear? Paris Hilton: Yes. Nicole Richie: Isn't a taxidermist a place that skins animals? Paris Hilton: Then why'd we brink Tinkerbell? Paris and Nicole's Boss: How'd it go? Nicole Richie: Gorgeous. Braxton Leding: [after killing bugs in Paris and Nicole's room] It'll be icy and cold in the morning. Nicole Richie: [trying to get the co-op cashier's attention] Bubi? Chootles? Scooby? Nicole Richie: [looking at the shower in their trailer] Where does the water come from? Nicole Richie: Payback's a bitch! Nicole Richie: [asking a random guy for money] You know what? Keep the five. I'll do you a favour and take the 10. Nicole Richie: [joking] He'ss cute! Let's have a threesome, come on, give him something. Cashier: Are you the spoilt rich girl? Paris Hilton: No, I'm not spoilt. I wouldn't be here if I was spoilt. Paris Hilton: Send in the next bitch. Nicole Richie: It's five dollars to get your ass kicked, another two dollars to get flipped and another three dollars to get your nipples twisted. [Paris and Nicole inspecting the funeral home crusher receptacle] Nicole Richie: What's the little bottom one for? Feet? Shoes? [to patient] Nicole Richie: I'm gonna do the surgery on you myself, are you excited? Nicole Richie: [while cutting a little boy's hair with clippers] If I start cutting off you ear, just scream and I'll stop. Nicole Richie: Do you ever use these knee pads? Manager of Airplane: You bet I do. Nicole Richie: Do you love them... Paris Hilton: ...in the bed? Manager of Airplane: That's an experience. Paris Hilton: That was pretty sexy. Nicole Richie: Excuse me, would you like a lap dance, dear? Lady at Resturaunt: No, thats OK. Girl: My dad works at a police job, you know the people in jail have to be friendly with the police. Nicole Richie: I seem to be friends with all the police men cause I was arrested three times. Paris Hilton: Hello, ladies, do you know about polar bears? Old Ladies: Yea, a little. Nicole Richie: Well, this is a maferdite from Africa this one's name is Magnet. He's a homosexual, he's 70 years old and he likes to fuck a lot. Paris Hilton: Wanna throw fish to him? Nicole Richie: You should make this house all sexed out. Girl: How? Nicole Richie: Find sexual stuff. Nicole's Boyfriend: Where gonna have a nice sexy dinner. Paris Hilton: Bye, bitch. Nicole Richie: What's the difference between these two foods? Waiter at Resturaunt: Nothing. Nicole Richie: Fine, I'll get them both since you seem so emotional about it. Nicole Richie: [To an older couple on a bus] We love you, bitches. Nicole Richie: [Regarding a nursing home.] Do people com here by choice or because their families hate them? Nicole Richie: Where's your bed? Man: Huh? Nicole Richie: Your bed. Man: My granddaughter? Nicole Richie: Where you sleep. Man: [Pointing to a recliner.] Over there! Nicole Richie: Oh. Nicole Richie: So we're gonna make all you guys look like Brad Pitt and all you girls look like Britney Spears circa 1999.