After her husband's unexpected death and subsequent financial woes, suburban mom Nancy Botwin (Parker) embraces a new profession: the neighb...更多>
[bantering about racial prejudices] Conrad Shepard: You calling black people stupid? Nancy Botwin: And lazy... and they also steal. Heylia James: Yeah, but we sings and we dances real good. Shane Botwin: You can't miss the bear. Celia Hodes: [watching a video of her daughter flipping her off] I should've had an abortion. Celia Hodes: Let your freak flag fly. Shane Botwin: I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad! Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush? Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU. Doug Wilson: Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money. Nancy Botwin: Hey, that bag looks a little small. Conrad Shepard: You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there. Nancy Botwin: People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing. Josh Wilson: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film. Nancy Botwin: You listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids. Josh Wilson: They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed, no grass on the field no grass will they yield. Nancy Botwin: You're a poet. Josh Wilson: You know it. Nancy Botwin: Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle? Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates. Quinn: Ok, we are breaking up. Silas Botwin: Come on, think of all the time this will save us on foreplay, just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go. Quinn: I could whisper, "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go. Nancy Botwin: You promised me no kids. Josh Wilson: Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no. Quinn:
Can we have sex in your house?
Andy Botwin: [to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed. [Shane gets up to walk away] Andy Botwin: Hey! [tosses Shane a banana] Andy Botwin: . Homework. Nancy Botwin: Nice, Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. The two of you ditch school to fuck in my guest room. I've got everything under control. Quinn: But don't you see, technically we're not under your roof. Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him? Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental pussy. Celia Hodes: When you stop being cute and funny and clean at home and start spending your afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit. Tennis Pro: That's why I'll never marry. Celia Hodes: No, you just fuck the married, and then I have to watch it on video. Tennis Pro: I'm sorry. Celia Hodes: You're a big whore. Doug Wilson: It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.