David: It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord. Michael: He is such a Nazi. Michael: Michael, not all Germans are Nazis. Michael: That's not my understanding. David: [to realtor] Shhhhhhhh... Shut up. Just shut up! David: I haven't laughed that hard since my last business transaction! [laughs] [repeated line] David, Michael, Michael: That is too funny! Michael: We can't move... We're in a tableau. Michael: The global business climate is like... whatever, dude. David: How's the soup, Michael? Michael: It's good. David: You won't be saying that after I kill you! Michael: Ladies & gentlemen of the board... all black. CO-OP Board President: Hiring you boys based on your performance in the potato sack race was the worst decision I ever made! Michael: I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud. CO-OP Board President: Where are they? It's four o'clock! Amy: I don't know, they left for lunch at 9:30 and never came back. Michael: Think of all the great things that have come out of this country! Michael: Rugby. David: Chicken Tikka Masala. Michael: Chinese People. Michael: Ass. David: Harry Potter. Michael: Rubber balls and liquor. Michael: Then I say something. David: Hey, Mike, it's David. Weren't those guys at the party really mean? Michael: What, who is this? I don't know any Davids! David: David Wain? Michael: Oh... yeah Michael: You know when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream"? Michael: [giving his speech to the Residence Board] B, beautiful this building is very beautiful. Michael:
U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building.
Michael: I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent. Michael: L, Love. I love this building Michael: D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge... Michael: David, do you still have that friend that makes fake moustaches? David: Gary Meadows? Sure. But why? Michael: Trust me. Just trust me. CO-OP Board Member: Excuse me, boys, but why are you dressed as skunks? Michael: Not skunks... skunk people! Richard: How about some sugar for my coffee? Michael: How about I'm not your bitch. David: And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison. Michael: She's had more boyfriends than Madonna! Michael: I like English muffins. David: Totally. Greg: Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only. David: We are employees! Michael: Yeah! We're from the... Houston office. Greg: Houston? Michael: [in Canadian accent] That's aboot right, eh? Ansel: I didn't know we had an office in Houston. Michael: [in Canadian accent] Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister. Michael: [in Canadian accent] ... Pierre Trudeau... Ansel: If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents? David: [in Canadian accent] Take off you hosers! Michael, Michael: Yeah! Michael: [to girl at office party] Touche... you've made worms' meat out of me. Michael: Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles. Michael: And numchucks. David: Sweeeeet. Michael: [looking at Michael and David in strange outfits] Why are you guys dressed like that? Michael: [in a rain poncho] Well, *I'm* dressed for rain. David: [in mountain climbing gear] And *I'm* dressed for snow. Michael: [in a swimsuit] Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning? China: What are you doing? Gary Meadows: Go back to bed, China. China: But I'm bored.
Gary Meadows: I said, go back to bed, China! [shouts] Gary Meadows: Now! Michael: It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #31427728651127720772132. Michael: I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God." Michael: Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God... Michael: Right. Michael: ...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard. Michael: Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like... Michael: Literally, it could be this table. Michael: It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table. Michael: It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand? Michael: I totally... Michael: It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees. Michael: Oh, my God... Girl At Party: I like pain. Michael: I like cookies. Michael: Would a perfect world have turkeys? David: Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man! Michael: I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God! Michael: What are we gonna do? David: Call Marcus. Michael: Yeah, call Marcus. Michael: Who's Marcus? Michael: I don't know, I don't know! Michael: Hey guys, he's still alive! Michael: [Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man] Why did you do that! Michael: It was either him or us, Mike! Michael: What are you talking about? David: You guys, we have to call the cops! Michael: No cops, Dave... not on this one! David: What are you talking about? We have to call the cops! Michael: [points gun at David] I said no cops! Michael: Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey [points gun at Michael Ian Black] David: Put the gun down, Mike! [points gun at Showalter] Michael: Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you! David: I know? it's weird. Michael: Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down. David: Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down! Michael: 2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do?