Kirstie Alley: Why can't I just have my own show? I mean, look at John Goodman, he has a show! Jason Alexander? He looks like a fucking bowling ball, but he has a show! Oh, and what about James Gadol... uh... fino! He's as big as a whale. He is way, way, *way* fatter than I am! Kirstie's Agent: But they are all *men*. Kirstie Alley: I can play a man! Kevyn Shecket: Did you see yourself on the cover of "Star" magazine this week? Kirstie Alley: Ugh. How much do I weigh now? Kirstie Alley: [shouts] Come on! You people live in the friggin United States of America, and can't understand a word of English! [shouts] Kirstie Alley: I ordered French fries! Quinn Taylor Scott: [talking about Kirstie losing weight] How about getting a parasite? Kirstie Alley: Ooh, yeah a parasite... how do I get one? Quinn Taylor Scott: Go to an exotic island, eat the food, drink the water, lick a local. It's very easy. Kirstie Alley: OK, we'll get a parasite. Kevyn Shecket: Yeah, I vote no on the parasite. Kirstie Alley: As God is my witness, I will never be fat again! Kevyn Shecket: No, maybe he really loves her. Maybe it's not lust, Eddie. Eddie Falcon: What Disney Channel are you watching?