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剧 情
Stan Smith, who works for the CIA and is constantly on the alert for terrorist activity. Stan will go to extremes to protect his beloved Ame...
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Hayley Smith:
You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
Stanley Smith:
You know what I have to say to that?
[pauses]
Stanley Smith:
Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.
Stanley Smith:
Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
[shouts]
Stanley Smith:
So look sharp!
Stanley Smith:
[picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis:
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith:
Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis:
Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stanley Smith:
I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stanley Smith:
Henry, antidote.
[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger the Alien:
Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley Smith:
Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.
Stanley Smith:
Why can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and let it go?
[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stanley Smith:
Shake it but don't break it!
Francine Smith:
It took me nine months to make it!
Stanley Smith:
Hey,boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!
Stanley Smith:
[holding a baby] One of us pooped.
Roger the Alien:
[after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
Stanley Smith:
Who?
Roger the Alien:
The black guys that did this.
Stanley Smith:
Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith:
But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith:
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b6
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Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.
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Klaus:
[referring to Roger the Alien] I wish he'd get sick like ET.
Francine Smith:
We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock:
Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?
Roger the Alien:
God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?
Stanley Smith:
Sorry I'm late, I was getting a piping-hot cup of coffee. It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man-mouth can take it.
[phone rings, Hayley answers]
Hayley Smith:
Hello?
Roger the Alien:
Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley Smith:
Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger the Alien:
Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.
[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
Stanley Smith:
Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
Hayley Smith:
Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
Stanley Smith:
Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?
Steve Smith:
I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!
Stanley Smith:
My butt is on the line!
Roger the Alien:
Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!
Roger the Alien:
[the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
[they stare blankly, insulted]
Roger the Alien:
'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.
Stanley Smith:
Francine, this happens every time! First you pull out a gun and threaten to shoot me. Then I pull out *my* gun. Eventually, your arm gets tired, you leave, and we have passionate "nobody-got-shot" sex.
Stanley Smith:
[to his wife] Potato salad. Not adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.
Newspaper headline:
Optimist Drowns in Half-full Tub.
Newspaper Headline:
Israel pulls out of Gaza; Gaza not pregnant.
Newspaper Headline:
President finally gets joke about his last name.
Stanley Smith:
They're like vampires... or the gays!
Francine Smith:
Anything for me?
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2c
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Stanley Smith
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:
Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.
Roger the Alien:
I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.
[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien:
I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve Smith:
She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien:
Oh, Meg, honey...
[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve Smith:
"Quivecs"? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien:
It is on my planet!
Francine Smith:
Is it a proper noun?
[beat]
Roger the Alien:
Damn!
[rearranges letters]
Avery Bullock:
[Avery is currently Riding on the back of Stan Smith like a horse] Woah, Nelly! Slow down, Smith!
[Stan stops]
Avery Bullock:
Thanks for the ride, Smith. I owe you a sugar cube.
Bullock:
Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring it and punish them brutally. I mean, really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff.
Klaus:
Now, straddle mein bowl!
Hayley Smith:
My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith:
And your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
[pause]
Stanley Smith:
Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.
Dr. Heisler:
[pointing to x-ray] See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. You should be completely ambulatory again.
Stanley Smith:
[distraught] What good is that to a man who has to spend the rest of his life in a chair?
[stabs Stan in the leg with a fork]
Stanley Smith:
Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers!
Dr. Heisler:
It's the bullet that saved you.
Stanley Smith:
This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley Smith:
What?
Stanley Smith:
Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!
Stanley Smith:
Guys, I can explain! I was lying to you!
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