T.J. Hicks: Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles? Deuce Bigalow: Really? T.J. Hicks: Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that. Deuce Bigalow: You know the Dutch started the slave trade. T.J. Hicks: THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS! Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [asking gigolos about their night] And you Assapopolis Assapopoulos Mariolis: I got the herpes. What're you gonna do, heh. Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [rips off band-aid] Liar! And what about you Mahmoud? Mahmoud: Uh, I just realized... I'm gay. Does anyone want a blow job? Dutch Gigolo: I do. Mahmoud: Ok then. I guess I should go put that penis in my mouth. Eva: Before I can go on a date I have to eat 2 herring, collect 5 different tulips and drink a beer from a wooden shoe. Deuce Bigalow: That's do-able! Wealthy Woman in Car: [pulls up in a car] Hey guys! I need a quick gigolo fix. What do you say? Enzo Giarraputo: Ahh. I'm judging a sand castle building competition this afternoon so... i cant help you. Mahmoud: Ahh... The dog ate my... Penis. T.J. Hicks: You like them big hairy balls dont ya? T.J. Hicks: Ah you pussy get off of me, get off of me! T.J. Hicks: That is Assapopoulos, he can kiss people with his butt whole Deuce Bigalow: I don't ever wanna see that. T.J. Hicks: I'm in blackface. It's my disguise. See? Deuce Bigalow: But you look the same. T.J. Hicks: Are you saying black people all look the same? You are such a racist! I should have the good mind not to let you help me prove that I'm innocent. Deuce Bigalow: This shirt will make a great ice-breaker. Angry European: Fuck you American, you imperialistic dog! Pro American Woman: I love America, I love President Bush. Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq. Angry European: Shut *up*! [as he is being arrested]
: I will see you again, man-whore! Gaspar Voorsboch: [Gaspar points a sword at Deuce] I have never been able to satisfy a Woman, and I will see to it that they don't either! Deuce Bigalow: [They both start sword fighting] No, you don't have to do this Gaspar, because you CAN please a Woman, and besides, do you really think what a Woman REALLY wants is for a man to give her a "Mud Pretzel", a "Turkish Snowcone", or even an "Irish Facial", Women don't really care about all that, all a Woman ever really wants, is a Man who asks about her day, or how she feels, or atleast pretends to. Women also don't really care if you're... rich, or have a gigantic schlong like... Heinz Hummer, and when she's sad, cry with her. Deuce Bigalow: There you are, T.J. T.J. Hicks: How did you know I was here? Deuce Bigalow: Well, this seemed like the only Chicken, and Waffles place in all of Holland. T.J. Hicks: So, you're saying that Black people have to go to a Chicken, and Waffles place, damn White boy, that's Racist! Deuce Bigalow: But you're here. T.J. Hicks: Yeah, but figuring it out was Racist. Deuce Bigalow: [Noticing all the Black People] This is a really nice place. Deuce Bigalow: We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone. T.J. Hicks: I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont? T.J. Hicks: I ain't gay! I was just looking down his pants 'cause i heard his shlong was so big, and juicy! No wait! That didn't sound right! Tourist: I'm from Canada and I'm wasted! T.J. Hicks: Can't a brother put his hand down another man's pants without setting off the faggot alarm? [Frenchman is blowing smoke in Deuce's face at an aquarium in Amsterdam] Deuce Bigalow: Excuse me, but in America, we don't allow smoking in aquariums. Frenchman: Excuse me, but in Europe, we don't unilaterally invade another country just to steal their oil! T.J. Hicks: [after Deuce is biting T.J.'s nipple while high on space cake] Get off my tittie, you doped up cracker! T.J. Hicks: Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand. T.J. Hicks: We'll find the killer using your twat-sicle. Heinz Hummer: I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo with the most below. Okay? I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before. I could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle... that will make you scream all night. Okay? But not now because I'm busy. So leave me alone, bitch.