Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. I was on his show... he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show... yeah, it was his office. But he had a bed in it, like a couch... that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know... Joe Franklin raped me. Robin Williams: You'd never hear a physicist going, "It's a muon, you cunt." Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. Bob Saget: Can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House". Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act... Kyle: Cartman, I don't want to... Cartman: Kyle, will you hold on PLEASE! Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. Cartman: [pauses] Neither do I. Cartman: Hey, you guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me? Kyle: No. [as she gropes two stuffed animals] Rita Rudner: Where did these people find employment? How did they develop this act? What made them think that this... this was entertaining? Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. Andy Dick: I come out, dressed as Hitler in crotchless panties. Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. Judy Gold: People can get up on stage if they want to, you know, finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis. Jon Ross: Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. There's incest. Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. He's got a very huge wiener. It's about that big... [indicates the length of his throat] Bob Saget:
I believe that's Shandling's joke. When you lift something it better be a cock. Here we go. This family, mother, father, four kids. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway...
[laughs] Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you fuck 'em. And the agent's like, "What do you do?" and the father goes, "Watch us." He rips off his wife's bra. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's... do NOT fuck your family. So they're all fucking each other right. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. It's like a hemorrhaging shit-ass. The kid starts spinning around in a circle cause he can't control it. It's like Curly in the Stooges. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" The projectile shit is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. You don't know whether to shit or puke in this room. That's how... [starts laughing uncontrollably] Bob Saget: What the fuck am I doing? Otto Peterson: My son comes out, I shoot him in the head, and then I FUCK the bullet hole! And then my daughter comes on stage. She's a real sexy nine-year-old. I hit her with an ax handle, burn her cunt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, fuck her, kill her, and take a shit on her dead body! T. Sean Shannon: Three women of color, they go into this agent's office. He says, "What do you do?" She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. She plays Chopin's third movement, in B minor. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." He says, "Wow, that sounds good, what do you call this act?" "Oh, we're Nigger Cunts." [pause] T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that." Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Backtrack a little. Where did the blood come from? You didn't say anything about blood." Well if a guy is fist fucking his daughter, who's young, and her asshole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. He could be a longshoreman. He could have arms like Popeye. Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] ... and I push it into her unwilling anus. Andy Richter: Then I move my wiener back and forth, until stuff shoots out. Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. It looks like a serated sea snake. Remember when I took you to Sea World? Yeah. Andy Richter: And all the stuff shoots on her face. Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] Doug Stanhope:
It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. I'll show you a little bit later.