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耶稣魔法

耶稣魔法 (2005)

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic

2005-02-11(美国)| 喜剧 经典| 美国
上映时间:2005-02-11(美国) 类型: 喜剧 经典
国家/地区:美国 
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Sarah Silverman appears before an audience in Los Angeles with several sketches, taped outside the theater, intercut into the stand-up perfo...更多>

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Sarah Silverman: [singing a love song] I love you more than bears love honey. / I love you more than Jews love money. / I love you more than Asians are good at math. / I love you even if it's not hip. / I love you more than black people don't tip. / I love you more than Puerto Ricans need baths. / I love you more than girls love dolls. / I love you more than dogs love balls. / I love you more than the white stuff in a zit. / I love you like Gary Busey. / I love you more than dykes love pussy. / I love you more than my after-show monster bong hit... Sarah Silverman: Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes. Sarah Silverman: When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS. Sarah Silverman: I was raped by a doctor. [pause] Sarah Silverman: Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. Sarah Silverman: I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!" Sarah Silverman: I'm working on an open letter and it goes like this. Guess what, Martin Luther King, I had a fuckin' dream, too! I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there's a pool and as I'm diving in, there's a shark coming up from the water... with braces! So maybe you're not so fucking special! Martin Loser King! Yeah, I wanna be the first comic ever to shit on Martin Luther King because people only talk about the good things. They don't mention he was a litterbug. He would roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up while his family suffered... and he would laugh. Sarah Silverman: The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager. Sarah Silverman: I don't care if you think I'm racist. I only care if you think I'm thin. Sarah Silverman: [after making out with her reflection in the mirror, to herself] You're a star. And I'm a star-fucker. Sarah Silverman: You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi. Sarah Silverman: [about her half-black boyfriend] I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days. Sarah Silverman: There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny! Sarah Silverman: [talking about her niece]

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She called me up and she's like, "Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed sixty million Jews." And I corrected her and I said, "You know, I think he's responsible for killing six million Jews." And she said, "Oh yeah! Six million! I knew that but seriously, I mean, what's the difference?" "Uh, the difference is sixty million is unforgivable, young lady!"

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Sarah Silverman: [on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved. Sarah Silverman: I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece... Sarah Silverman: Who cares? Different religions. I guess the only time it's an issue I suppose would be if you're having a baby, you have to figure out how you want to raise your baby or whatever, which still would not be an issue for us. Because you know, we'd just be honest, and say "Mommy is one of the chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic." Sarah Silverman: Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something. Sarah Silverman: Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks. Sarah Silverman: Please God, let them find semen in my dead Nana's vagina.

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