[in a crowded bar, Chris is talking with Jamie, while Samantha is waiting for him at the door] Samantha James: Chris! Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris... Chris: I'm busy! Samantha James: I'm busy too, stupid dick! Mike: [Speaking to Chris about Samantha] It's OK. She's got her toothpaste. Samantha James: [eating the toothpaste] Blueberry. Samantha James: It's all right, I like other girls. Darla! Samantha James: I'm sorry I'm not poor! I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass. Chris: Hi. [Jamie slams the door in his face] Chris: Jamie, look, Jamie! I said a lot of really crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been a very good friend to you and I'm sorry, ok. The truth is that I'm afraid to be your friend because I'm always gonna want more. But then I got to thinking that I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all. [She opens the door and looks at him] Chris: You know, that's a lie too. [She comes outside and closes the door behind her] Chris: I want to take you out on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day or at night or whenever as long as it's a real date. And I want to tell you how beautiful I think you are, inside and out. And I want to have babies with you, and I want to marry you and I love you, Jamie, I always have. [She smiles and they kiss] Chris: Sorry, that's like 20 years all at once. [He kisses her again] Mike: [Samantha has found out that Chris is seeing someone else] The jig is up! Run! Samantha James: You son of a bitch! Chris: Samantha! You're here! Shit! Samantha James: There she is. There's the little slut you've been banging behind my back! Old Woman: Me? Samantha James: Not you, wrinkles. [Points at Jamie] Samantha James: Her! Jamie Palamino: Who are you? Samantha James: I'm Samantha James, bitch! [Shoves Jamie] Jamie Palamino: Don't shove me! [Shoves Samantha back] Samantha James: You're a whore! Santa's little whore! Santa's little whore! Jamie Palamino: Get off! Mike: [In an excited, high pitched voice] Cat fight! Chris' Mom: Dusty, what kind of car is this? Dusty:
Carol, this little Japanese princess here is called the Prius.
Chris' Mom: I think it's so neat that you kids care about the environment. Chris: I love the environment. Chris' Mom: But honey, don't you drive a Range Rover? Aren't those bad? Chris: [pause] Well, I had a really nice time tonight, and I hope we can do it again soon. Hey, Dusty, thanks for comin'. Dusty: Oh, listen, man, it was my pleasure, really. Thank you all for having me. It was so nice. [Chris takes out his retainer] Dusty: And hey, before I forget, make sure to that you rinse that thing at least twice a day, okay? Your mouth is a disgusting open cesspool with germs and bacteria. Now put that back! Samantha James: [Chris is wrestling Samantha to make her stop using her taser gun on him] Oooohhh yes! Go-Time! Chris: Hey! Hey! It's not Go-Time! This isn't how it works Samantha! You can't force or... or torture someone into liking you! Samantha James: [Rolls her eyes] Oooh, the big speech! Chris: No! You just have to put yourself out there and hope that they like you back! This isn't a game! This is my LIFE! Samantha James: Oh yeah! This is MY life! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not poor! I'm sorry I... [Chris starts walking out] Samantha James: ... I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass! I'm sorry I'm not... Hey! Where you going? Chris: I can't hear you Samantha... I can't hear you - OH! Lightbulb! Samantha James: I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever!... I'm sorry I'm not poor!... I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass! Mike: Raise your hand if your brother's a homo! Jamie Palamino: Mistletoe! Samantha James: Whoopsie! I'm naked. Mike: You'll always be fat to me! Samantha James: I'm Samantha James, bitch! Jamie Palamino: Will you try it on for me? Please? I think it will fit... Chris: [putting on Jamie's gift] ... It's a little snug. Jamie Palamino: Aww. "Shakes come and go but friends are furrr-ever." That's adorable! Let's go show my mom. Jamie Palamino: I think I just peed a little! Chris: When I'm with you it feels like we are in our own little Chris and Jamie world. Mike: You are so hot. Samantha James: I know! Chris: Look, I know you hate me, but I need to speak with Jamie... Where is she?