George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing(2005)

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Human beings will do anything, anything. I am convinced. That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq it didn't bother me. A lot of people here were horrified, "Whaaaa, beheadings!" What, are you fucking surprised? Just one more form of extreme human behaviour. Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma who gets his head cut off? Fuck 'em. Hey Jack, you don't want to get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They aint cuttin' of heads in Oklahoma, far as I know. But I do know this: you strap on a gun and go struttin' around some other mens country you better be ready for some action Jack. People are touchy about that sort of thing. And let me ask you this... this is a morale question, not retorical, I am looking for the answer: what is the morale difference between cuttin' of one guys head, or two, or three, of five or ten - and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference? Now, in case you're wondering why I have a certain interest, or fascination lets call it, with torture and beheadings and all of those things I have mentioned, is because each of these items reminds me in life over and over again what beasts we human beings really are. When you get right down to it human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts. Savages. No different from the Cro Magnon people who lived twenty five thousand years ago. No different. Our DNA hasn't changed substantially in a houndred thousand years. We're still operating out of the lower brain. The reptilian brain.Fight of flight. Kill or be killed. We like to think we've evolved and advanced because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater, we can write a sonet, paint a painting, compose an opera. But you know something? We're barely out of the jungle on this planet. Barely out of the fucking jungle. What we are, is semi-civilized beasts, with baseball caps and automatic weapons. 复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制

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George Carlin: Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds. [Stares at watch] George Carlin: There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers. George Carlin: I got 341 days sober and next year is my 50th anniversary in show business. Let's do a fuckin' show, huh? George Carlin: You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts. Now I said this on my last HBO show, and apparently some people don't know what a pussy fart is, because I got some inquiries. A pussy fart is when a woman has a little extra air inside of her vagina, and when you thrust forward, it's kind of a... [makes a whole bunch of nasty fart noises] George Carlin: And the two of you are lying there, each wondering if the other one farted, and the guy is usually thinking, "Maybe she farts when she cums. Maybe she took a shit. God, I better stay out of that fuckin' bar." George Carlin: You wanna hear a really cool torture that the Romans invented? They also used it as a form of capital punishment, it's *really* creative. They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight and throw it in the river. But, and here's the creative part, inside the sack, with the guy, they would put a dog, a monkey, and a snake. Okay? A dog, a monkey, and a snake. That's fucking creative! Imagine being inside a burlap sack, underwater, in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey. Think he'd be moving around a little bit? The dog would be going apeshit, we know that. And the snake? Well, he'd probably be getting curious about what all the activity was inside the sack. He might do anything. Whatever he did would probably involve venom and his teeth. You know what you'd be doing? You'd be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake. Praying. George Carlin: 复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制

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I'm a modern man. A man for the millenium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high tech lo-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new wave but I'm old school and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hotwired, heatseaking, warmhearted cool customer, voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database and my database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, and pushing the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smartbomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties; I tell power lies; I take power naps; I take victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot, slamdunk rain maker with a pro-active outreach, a raging workaholic, a working rage-a-holic, out of rehab and in denial. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal angenda. You can't shut me up, you can't dumb me down, cause I'm tireless and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I'm a non-believer and an overacheiver, laid-back but fashion foward, up front, down home, low rent, high mantinence, supersize, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready, and built to last. I'm a hands on, footloose, knee-jerk headcase, prematurely postraumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I'm feeling; I'm caring; I'm healing; I'm sharing; a supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk-mail; I eat junk food; I buy junk bonds; I watch trash sports. I'm gender specific, captial intensive, user friendly, and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex; I like tough love; I use the f-word in my email, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore; no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a minimall; I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll free, bite size, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes; a fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I'm a rude dude but I'm the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked, and ready to rock; rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow; I go with the flow; I ride with the tide; I got glide in my stride; driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy and lunchtime is crunchtime. I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt, and I'm hanging tough, over and out. 复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制

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George Carlin: Isn't it amusing to watch the commercials in between the sporting events on TV? Drink this! Drive that! Fuck you! They don't care. George Carlin: I think it's certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess... I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior, excessive language, excessive violence... it's fun. It's interesting. It's exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That's why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that've been going on, I fucking love 'em. I can't get enough of them. Ah, when nature's going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I'm a happy fucking guy. I'm a happy fucking guy. I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks me in the head and kicks me in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV... don't you hope it spreads? Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don't root for the firemen do you? I mean I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but I don't want them to put out my fire. That's my fire - that's nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest! Aren't they great? Like clockwork, spring floods in the Midwest. Now I'm starting to notice... I'm starting to catch on, that every year... it's the same story. Another flood, in the same place, with the same people, on the same river- SAME FUCKING PEOPLE! And these people do not move, they will not fucking move! They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same fucking house on the flood plain, next to the river, and then they wonder why grandma's floating downstream with the parakeet on her head! Fourth time, again, fourth fucking time. There's no learning curve with these people. It's very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year - same people, same rowboats! Out there paddling around... rescuing a chicken. What the fuck kind of a life is that? "Well our kids love it here..." Oh really, what do they got, gills? And while they're showing all that action on the screen, the announcer's saying to me "It's been raining steadily for three months now, the ground can't any more water... The river is cresting higher than it has it two centuries, the levees have washed away..." And I just hope it keeps raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and it rains steadily for five years... and then after that, for ten years it's cloudy. With occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks! It becomes a completely new river, and the borders of three states have to be changed, and all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted... and no one's couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down there's always that little "Squish..." "Dan, Linda, come on in you guys, have a seat" - "Squish!" "Squish!" I like that. I'm an interesting guy. 复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制

George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

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Rocco Urbisci

乔治·卡林

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