Tom Peters has just moved to the small town of Jefferton, best known for its strip malls, buffet restaurants and run-down parks. Seeking to ...更多>
Mike Fox: [the Mayor is watching "Scared Straight" on TV] My name is Mike Foxx and I've lost thirteen of my own children - four to wind poisoning, two to sand rash, five to deadly crickets, and at least six to a mysterious drifter who looks and sounds like this guy: Mysterious Drifter: This is the sound of my voice! The Mayor: Oh, no! [repeated line] Tom Peters: Oh crickets. Tom Peters: I had just an idea I wanted to run past you about children's safety... The Mayor: That's interesting, Tom. I just had a meeting with my TV about that. Let me hear your thoughts. Tom Peters: Well, uh, child safety, uh, right... the first and, uh, last step is to establish a perimeter surrounding our, you know, parks and zoos and, uh, nurseries, and day-care centers, and elementary... The Mayor: Bear traps. Tom Peters: [long pause] Uh... uh, okay, uh... The Mayor: You're talking about using bear traps to surround these safe zones, right? I love it. Tom Peters: Well, no, I-I... The Mayor: You sold me on this idea. Tom Peters: Oh. Wow. [Tom and The Mayor are delivering a proposal to the city council] Tom Peters: Well, basically, I've done a lot of research, and, um, we think that the best way to protect our youngest citizens in Jefferton here is to... surround them with, uh, bear traps. The Mayor: Wonderful, Tom, wonderful. Tom Peters: It's basically for their protection, so I don't know why you wouldn't want to do that. Of course, obviously there's a little bit of risk, so, um... actually, a lot, uh, a tremendous amount of risk, um... I hate to say it, but I will guarantee that a number of kids will be injured or possibly, um... killed in the project... Tom Peters: [a long beat] Thank you. The Mayor: [Tom is unconscious in a dumpster] Thomas! Tom-boy! Tom! Tom, are you okay? Tom Peters: Oh, wow... The Mayor: It's okay... I'm gonna hold up your head for you. Tom Peters: ...think I hit my head... wh... where am I? What time is it? The Mayor: Well... I've been keeping you in this dumpster for weeks now. Found this vest on a hobo and put it on you to keep you warm, 'cause you've been way too tender to move. Tom Peters: Oh. Okay. What's that smell? The Mayor:
Tom, what you're probably smelling is the cat food. I've been coming by every night to feed you, and since you're unconscious, I would take a dollop of the wet cat food and stick it in your mouth and then move your jaw up and down like a chewing motion.
[Tom gags] The Mayor: But in that process, some of the cat food fell out onto your lips and your face and it hardened a little bit in your hair and on your shirt. Tom Peters: Okay. Right. The Mayor: C'mon now, don't worry. I'll carry you over. Tom Peters: I think I have B.M. in my pants. [repeated lines] Tom Peters: Hi, I'm Tom Peters. The Mayor: Hello, Tom. Wizzard: Wizz! Totally wizzed out - bass fishing with my motherf*****g son. Wizz! Totally wizzed out - he's dead but that does't mean we can't have fun. Wizz! Yo, it's Wizzard! Meet me at this year's Jefferton Bass Fest - join the "Bass Circle' - meet bass techs and pros! - join me as I attempt to hit the low G, three octaves lower than any man has ever played.