Jeff Foxworthy: I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little "wave", it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose, and put 'em into the wall. Ron White: I believe I'll have a scotch. Oh, wait, I've got one. Go ahead. Never mind. Ron White: I Believe, that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party. Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that sometimes you gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the truck payment. Jeff Foxworthy: I believe you show me a three year old running around a flea market in his underpants drinking Coca-Cola out of a baby bottle, and I'll show you a future NASCAR fan. Jeff Foxworthy: [to Larry, after Larry picks at his guitar] How old are you? Larry The Cable Guy: Old enough to learn how to play this song. Bill Engvall: Wait, when is your birthday? Larry The Cable Guy: February 17th. Jeff Foxworthy: No, what year is your birthday? Larry The Cable Guy: ...Every year. Bill Engvall: [to Jeff] You asked. Female Audience Member: I LOVE YOU, LARRY! Larry The Cable Guy: I told you to wait in the truck! Larry The Cable Guy: I believe... that Britney Spears should be one of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors. Larry The Cable Guy: [laughing] Two scoops! Larry The Cable Guy: I believe the Crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stool. Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do. Jeff Foxworthy: You ever seen a car sitting at a red light, and there's like, five guys in it? And all of a sudden all four windows go down and there's four guys hangin' out the car just cussing like crazy? And there's one guy sitting in the middle in the back just laughing. You know why he's laughing, he's cashed in his courtesy sniff! And the only thing that could make him happier was had he been driving and in control of the window lock. Bill Engvall: I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south. Bill Engvall:
I believe that the phrase "time in a bottle" refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.
Bill Engvall: I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process. Ron White: [discussing his honeymoon] Man, the first time my wife and I made love... you ever heard of those screamers? Well, apparently she had never been with one before! Jeff Foxworthy: I remember when I was a kid, there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. But they advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures! It's like, "Try new Flor-A-Flor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Flor-A-Flor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction." I'm like, "I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!" Ron White: I'm probably not a typical Texan in that I don't hunt. I fish, but I don't hunt. And it has nothing to do with how I think it might somehow be more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death by someone else, that's not it. It's really early in the morning, it's really cold outside, and... I don't wanna go. Ron White: I believe that ignorance of the law is no excuse, and I'm quoting a New York City judge on this one. Ron White: My cousin Ray on the other hand thinks that killin' a deer with a deer rifle is like magic in the forest. And now, I would like to do for you now my impression of my cousin Ray after the big kill. "Hell, it was four in the mornin', 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there. Pussy. I'm in a camouflaged deer blind. I've got grease paint on my face and deer urine on my boots. I'm not sure why." I made that part up. "I've got a 30-06 with a laser scope. This baby will fire a bullet 2200 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I hunged from the danged ol' tree... caught him right above the eye." Yeah, well, I hit one with a *van* goin' *fifty-five* miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blowin'! Ron White: What I like to do these days is talk about fireworks safety. See, it was the Fourth of July and my friend Timmy Smithers leaned back too far with a lit punk and ignited the main fireworks display for the evening. And I wake up every night knowing that I know I could've down more to save him... but it was so pretty. Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can not baptize cats. Ron White: Now I've seen people lose it over the death of a pet, but this dog lived for fifteen years. If you wanna beat that by very much, you gotta get a tortoise or a tree. Ron White:
So, her father dies, and I'm like, baby come on we're going to the nursing home. And she see's all these old men like pick me pick me. She wanted a black one, but I was like keep it simple, that's my motto.