Lewis Black: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. Lewis Black:
Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.
Lewis Black: These guys believe that a 350 billion dollar tax cut will stimulate the economy, and they are full of shit. Because they don't know what stimulates the economy. The economy goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, nobody knows why the fuck it happens. And I know this because I took economics, and I'd explain it to yea'... but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolute nothing that you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. Lewis Black: If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. Lewis Black: Then of course, there's Dennis Kozlowski. He took from his company 463 million dollars because, well, he had to buy shit. Are you kiddin' me? He gets on the phone: I'd like all the corn in Iowa... 'Cause I'm having a ho-down. Lewis Black: You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks. Lewis Black: A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people... THREE people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? "Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!" Lewis Black: Today's really gonna suck... BUT AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE SMALLPOX! Lewis Black: And then there's the Homeland Security system, they had it colour-coded, like we're in fucking elementery school! Simplify it, there should be just three levels of security; Jesus Christ, Goddammit, FUCK ME! Lewis Black: It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been UNGODLY, where the FUCK is global warming when you NEED IT! Lewis Black: It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!