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[first lines of the series]
Brent LeRoy:
Want me to fill it up?
Man:
Sure. You know I've never driven across Saskatchewan before.
Brent LeRoy:
Well, you still haven't really. About halfway to go yet.
Man:
Sure is flat.
Brent LeRoy:
How do you mean?
Man:
You know, flat. Nothing to see.
Brent LeRoy:
What do you mean, like topographically? Hey Hank, this guy says Saskatchewan is flat.
Hank Yarbo:
How do you mean?
Brent LeRoy:
Topographically I guess. He says there's nothin' to see.
Hank Yarbo:
There's lots to see. There's nothin' to block your view.
Brent LeRoy:
There's lots to see. Nothin' to block your view. Like the mountains back there. They're uh... Well, what the hell? I could've sworn there was a big mountain range back there. Juttin' up into the sky all purple and majestic. I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'. Hey, it is kinda flat, thanks for pointin' that out.
Man:
You guys always this sarcastic?
Brent LeRoy:
There's nothin' else to do.
Brent LeRoy:
Don't point your pickle at me!
Brent LeRoy:
Dad look, you're gonna be around for a long time.
Oscar Leroy:
How can you be so sure?
Brent LeRoy:
Because, I've angered the Karma Gods, and you're my punishment.
[repeated line]
Oscar Leroy:
Hey, jackass!
Mrs. Jensen:
With him the customer was always number one. Oscar always treated people with great respect.
Oscar Leroy:
[suddenly enters] Hey jackass, stop talking to this old wing-nut and pump my gas!
Brent LeRoy:
Well, he's a people person.
Fitzy:
My plan to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist came here accidentally.
Wanda Dollard:
Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colors, red, green, flashing lights.
Brent LeRoy:
So old Chistmas decorations?
Wanda Dollard:
Yeah!
Brent LeRoy:
Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.
Wanda Dollard:
Okay.
Davis:
[after losing the Grey Cup tickets] Well, I'll have to go to a scalper.
Karen Pelly:
Isn't it weird for you to go to a scalper?
Davis:
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Why? Because I'm a Cree man? I resent that!
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Karen Pelly:
Because you're a police officer and scalping tickets is illegal.
Davis:
Oh yeah.
Lacey:
We're sorry if this town seems a little, you know... boring.
Dr. Chris Garner:
Oh, it's all right. I'm quite accustomed to slower life.
Emma Leroy:
It gets slower than this?
Brent LeRoy:
[Davis hands Brent a parking ticket] Why are you giving me a ticket, Davis? I always park here.
Davis:
Sorry Brent, you can't park here during peak hours.
[Brent's is the only car along a long stretch of road]
Karen Pelly:
I got a riddle for you, Hank. Okay. A plane crashes on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do they bury the survivors?
Hank Yarbo:
Hmmm. Tough one. Right on the border, huh? Well, is there one larger chunk of the airplane on one side?
Karen Pelly:
No. It's broken directly in half, distributed over the two sides.
Hank Yarbo:
Wow, that's really tough.
Karen Pelly:
[Repeats herself] A plane crashes directly on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do they bury the SURVIVORS?
Hank Yarbo:
OHHHHH! The *survivors*.
[pause]
Hank Yarbo:
Bury one on each side.
Hank Yarbo:
So how's that new doctor guy?
Karen Pelly:
Actually, "he" is a she.
Hank Yarbo:
He's a transvestite?
Karen Pelly:
No, she's a woman!
Hank Yarbo:
It's a woman transvestite?
Theme Song:
["Not A Lot Goin' On"] You can tell me that your dog ran away / Then tell me that it took three days / I've heard every joke / I've heard every one you'd say / You think there's not a lot goin' on / Look closer baby, you're so wrong / And that's why you can stay so long / Where there's not a lot goin' on.
Oscar Leroy:
Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?
Emma Leroy:
Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty
[holds up a spoon]
Oscar Leroy:
Really?
[Oscar starts to clean the spoon]
Lacey:
You should seriously consider starting your own cult.
Brent LeRoy:
I'm thinking about it. Play your cards right and you could be wife number thirty.
Davis:
New music sucks, and it sucks too loud!
Lacey:
Karen, I'm glad you're here. Look, we need to talk about the book club.
Karen Pelly:
I thought the first rule of book club was, you don't talk about book club.
Lacey:
That's fight club.
Karen Pelly:
How do you know about fight club?
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Hank Yarbo
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:
[heckling the crowd at Comedy Night] Hey you! Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?
Oscar Leroy:
Let me answer that question with another question: Shut Up!
Oscar Leroy:
Let me answer that question with another question: shut up!
Oscar Leroy:
Let me answer that question with another question - shut Up!
[Wanda is reading a book]
Customer:
What's that, quantum physics?
Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, I've always been fascinated that light could be a particle and a wave. I was gonna study it in college, but then I got interested in biochemistry. And then on a whim settled on liguistics with minor in comparative religion.
Customer:
Wow, how'd you end up in a place like this?
Wanda Dollard:
The last girl quit, can you believe it?
Emma Leroy:
You're going to the doctor.
Oscar Leroy:
Over my dead body!
Emma Leroy:
That'd speed things up.
Hank Yarbo:
[upon seeing the changes to the coffee shop] What the hell did she do to this place?
Brent LeRoy:
Here we go. Would ya settle down Hank? It's just a little different.
Hank Yarbo:
Different? We're in the seventh circle of Hell here! Look, look at this, where's the old clear salt and pepper shakers? I mean you can't see inside these ones, how are you supposed to know which is which?
Emma Leroy:
One shaker's black and one shaker's white.
Brent LeRoy:
Take a leap of faith.
Hank Yarbo:
What if it's a trick?
Wanda Dollard:
Then shake some on your hand first.
Hank Yarbo:
That's unsanitary.
Brent LeRoy:
I've seen you eat gum off your shoe.
Hank Yarbo:
What's that got to do with anything?
Emma Leroy:
I'm going out to get plant food Oscar, do you need anything?
Oscar Leroy:
What are you getting plant food for?
Emma Leroy:
Because my tomatoes are pathetic and wrinkling. And when things are pathetic and wrinkly they need food. Eat your sandwich.
Karen Pelly:
Sir, do you know how fast you were going back there?
Stephen:
Uh... ninety seven?
Karen Pelly:
That's a relief, radar gun's workin'. Thanks for your co-operation.
[Lacey's ex-fiancé is in town and Hank is trying to scare him away]
Hank Yarbo:
I know what will scare off Kolchak. We'll pretend there's a lottery and the loser gets stoned to death.
Wanda Dollard:
I can't believe you read that story.
Hank Yarbo:
What story?
Davis:
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Uh... I came to use your skate sharpener.
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fe1
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Oscar Leroy:
Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.
Davis:
I heard we almost lost Brent.
Oscar Leroy:
What do you mean?
Davis:
The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.
Oscar Leroy:
They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?
Karen Pelly:
That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?
[at the end of a hockey game, the crowd is cheering loudly]
Oscar Leroy:
What happened?
Karen Pelly:
The boys didn't lose.
Emma Leroy:
No, seriously, what happened?
Davis:
[referring to their Billy clubs] Meet my friend Billy.
Karen Pelly:
And this is my friend Jennifer!
Hank Yarbo:
Hey Wanda, what do you know about this Lacey?
Wanda Dollard:
I know she doesn't have cataracts, so you don't have a chance.
Brent LeRoy:
Scorch!
[there is a knock at the door]
Lacey:
Who is it?
Davis:
Open up ma'am, police business.
Lacey:
[opens the door] Is this official police business, or do you just want a cup of coffee?
Davis:
Do you have any on?
Emma Leroy:
[after teaching Brent how to babysit and handle children] A child's mind is their strength and their weakness.
Brent LeRoy:
You're like Yoda.
Emma Leroy:
I don't know what that means.
Brent LeRoy:
[in Dog River's extremely small library] Hey Alice, I was wondering if...
Alice:
Shh!
Brent LeRoy:
Pardon?
Alice:
[whispering] This is a library. Shh!
Brent LeRoy:
Well, we're the only ones in here.
Alice:
[whispering] I'm sorry Brent, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you don't keep it down.
Brent LeRoy:
[whispering] Okay, I was just wondering if you had a book on child psychology.
Alice:
[still whispering] On what?
Brent LeRoy:
[still whispering] Child psychology.
Alice:
[still whispering] "Jives on top of me"?
Brent LeRoy:
[sarcastically] That's right Alice, I want a book about jives on top of you.
[repeated line]
Karen Pelly:
I didn't sleep with Hank!
Davis:
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Do you think my new cell phone is small?
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Karen Pelly:
I don't know.
Davis:
Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose, he had it out and I just glanced at it.
Karen Pelly:
Right.
Davis:
But mine is small right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone mine is small, smaller than average.
Karen Pelly:
I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works.
Karen Pelly:
I can't believe you're sending me in without back-up.
Davis:
It's just a fishing trip Karen.
Karen Pelly:
But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish.
Davis:
If it gets to you, you don't have to kill him, just throw him into the lake.
Karen Pelly:
I wasn't worried about the fish.
Davis:
I wasn't talking about the fish.
Brent LeRoy:
Morning, want me to fill it up?
Marvin Drey the Taxman:
Do you work here?
Brent LeRoy:
It'd be a pretty weird hobby.
Marvin Drey the Taxman:
I just need to speak with your father to verify a few things.
Brent LeRoy:
I don't think he's here, I think he went to Hawaii.
Marvin Drey the Taxman:
Hawaii?
Brent LeRoy:
Not Hawaii, somewhere cheaper than that... Red Deer.
Marvin Drey the Taxman:
I can appreciate that you don't wanna help me. I get that a lot, sometimes I get outright hostility. Just because of my job.
Brent LeRoy:
Well, no offense but I mean I can't just turn over my father. There's a bond between father and son that's strong and sacred.
Oscar Leroy:
Hey idiot! You left the lid on the dumpster up last night! Crows have scattered garbage all over the place out there. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it, it'll be you out there on your hands and knees scrapin' up crow crap!
Brent LeRoy:
I'll tell you whatever you need to know.
Oscar Leroy:
Why'd you come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention, I'll show you how it works sometime.
Marvin Drey the Taxman:
We did call.
Oscar Leroy:
You did not!
[flashback, Oscar is on the phone]
Oscar Leroy:
What are you calling me on the phone for? My taxes paid for this call! You got something to say, you come here and say it in person. Get in the car, you ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention, I'll show you how it works sometime!
[hangs up]
Emma Leroy:
Who was that?
Oscar Leroy:
I don't know, some jackass!
Emma Leroy:
What are you looking for?
Oscar Leroy:
Nothing.
Emma Leroy:
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Nothing? You're just rummaging around in a box for no reason?
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Oscar Leroy:
Not for no reason, I'm looking for something.
Emma Leroy:
Well, what are you looking for?
Oscar Leroy:
Nothing!
Emma Leroy:
If you're looking for your "Garfield" books, I threw them away.
Oscar Leroy:
I'm not looking for my "Garfield" books. Why would you throw away my "Garfield" books?
Hank Yarbo:
Hey, Davis just gave me a parking ticket.
Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, he gave me on too, and I'm parked in the parking lot.
Hank Yarbo:
Yeah, well I wasn't even parked. I was stopped at a stop sign, he came running out from behind a bush.
Brent LeRoy:
Well, let's say hypothetically my Dad can't find these sales records, what's the deal then, prison?
Marvin Drey the Taxman:
Well, there's no tax prison in Canada, you don't have to worry about that.
Brent LeRoy:
I wasn't worrying, I was suggesting.
Lacey:
If I start a Pilates class will you join?
Brent LeRoy:
That depends.
Lacey:
On what?
Brent LeRoy:
On what is Pilates?
Lacey:
Oh okay. Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body...
Brent LeRoy:
You lost me.
Lacey:
Oh, come on Brent. Don't you wanna unify your mind and body?
Brent LeRoy:
No, I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket!
Brent LeRoy:
What are you guys watching?
Hank Yarbo:
Soccer, you want in on the action? I got a good feeling about Brazil.
Brent LeRoy:
Naw, I don't know anything about soccer.
Hank Yarbo:
It's a complex sport. It took me quite sometime before I fully understood the subleties of the game.
[shouts]
Hank Yarbo:
Hey what's he doing? You can't pick up the ball and run with it like that you moron!
Paul Kinistino:
Uh... this is rugby.
Paul Kinistino:
Hey Lacey, what can I get you?
Lacey:
I feel like a glass of wine, what's your house red?
Paul Kinistino:
I'm not sure.
[Yells to the backroom]
Paul Kinistino:
Hey, what's it say on that bag of wine over there? No, that's ketchup, the one beside it!
Lacey:
You know what? Beer's good.
Karen Pelly:
[Karen is trying to figure out who spray-painted "Grad '68" on the water tower] I think I got a good lead on a cold case.
Davis:
Hey, great work rookie. What is it?
Karen Pelly:
Well, take a look at this picture of the water tower.
Davis:
[Uninterested] Not "Grad '68".
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:
This picture was taken in
Davis:
How much did it cost to get these pictures blown up?
Karen Pelly:
But look the water tower's unmarked.
Davis:
You got 'em dry-mounted, that's like 20 bucks each!
Karen Pelly:
Why would someone paint "Grad '68" if it wasn't 1968?
Davis:
I don't know. But if you figure that one out, you'll be halfway to; I don't give a damn!
Karen Pelly:
Everybody was in on this crime, it's sort of like "The Orient Express".
Brent LeRoy:
I think I ate there once.
Karen Pelly:
No, the Agatha Christie book. All the suspects teamed up to do the crime.
Hank Yarbo:
Well, I guess I don't have to finish reading that one!
Hank Yarbo:
[Brent and Hank are wearing the same shirt] Look at us, we're identical!
Brent LeRoy:
We're not identical, I have different pants than you.
Hank Yarbo:
Yeah, I don't even wanna get into your pants.
Brent LeRoy:
You're not gonna with that kinda whining.
Karen Pelly:
How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly!
Davis:
It wasn't willy-nilly, it was at crows.
Davis:
Proper billy-club use Karen, that's the secret. I find it helps if you give your billy-club a name. You know what I call mine?
Karen Pelly:
Billy?
Davis:
Anyways, a billy-club is a cop's best friend.
Karen Pelly:
I thought you said a gun was a cop's best friend.
Davis:
Well, a gun is more like a cop's lover. There's some things you tell your gun that you'd never tell a lover. And sometimes your lover and your best friend don't get along. Or maybe you go out with one and the other gets mad at you 'cause you didn't go out with it!
Karen Pelly:
You're divorced right?
Hank Yarbo:
[referring to the changes to the coffee shop] I'm gonna fight this.
Emma Leroy:
It's her place, she can do what she wants with it.
Hank Yarbo:
Well, I got two words for you; boycott. I'm gonna put this place out of business.
Brent LeRoy:
Hank, if you had the power to put companies out of business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash?
Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, and deodorant.
Emma Leroy:
Clean underwear.
Brent LeRoy:
Books.
Wanda Dollard:
Pants that fit.
Emma Leroy:
Nail clippers.
Brent LeRoy:
Dandruff shampoo.
Wanda Dollard:
Um... dental floss.
Emma Leroy:
Toilet paper.
Oscar Leroy:
Pick-up trucks.
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:
You don't know what we're doing, do you, Dad?
Oscar Leroy:
Shut up!
Oscar Leroy:
I'm a senior!
Oscar Leroy:
A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's going to get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town will be talking about how I can't...
Brent LeRoy:
Dad!
Emma Leroy:
What's he talking about?
Brent LeRoy:
Viagra.
Emma Leroy:
Oh, for Pete's sake... well if you're going there anyway, you may as well ask.
Brent LeRoy:
Ah, Mom!
Wes:
Hey Oscar, what can I do you for? Liquor or insurance?
Oscar Leroy:
Neither, I'm droppin' off.
Wes:
What's this?
Oscar Leroy:
A birthday cake, what's it look like? It's a case of empties. A buck twenty.
Wes:
Stubby Heidelbergs?
Oscar Leroy:
Stubby who?
Wes:
I can't take these back, Oscar, they don't even use them anymore.
Oscar Leroy:
I bought them here, I'll return them here.
Wes:
They don't use these any more, they're no good to me.
Oscar Leroy:
Well maybe my business is no good to you, you ever think of that?
Wes:
Maybe you could sell them on ebay?
Oscar Leroy:
They're not going to take them at the Bay!
Lacey:
Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's Grandma in the eye and give her one good reason this town can't build a great big dirty ho.
Brent LeRoy:
Now, no more dirty talk. Hand me that big tool so I can mount this.
Davis:
[after a tiring period in a hockey game] Good hustle out there guys.
[pause]
Davis:
Anyone seen my pancreas?
Hank Yarbo:
Is knuckles legally binding?
Karen Pelly:
I don't understand that sentence.
Karen Pelly:
"... and any firing of the sidearm shall warrant a full and thorough internal report to be executed and filed by a fellow officer."
Davis Quinton:
How are we supposed to know what's right and what's wrong, when they keep adding new rules?
Karen Pelly:
This was published in
Davis Quinton:
I wasn't even a cop in '64, how am I supposed to know that stuff?
Oscar Leroy:
Listen, if we are going to do this wedding, I'd be proud if you'd be my best man.
Brent LeRoy:
Aw, geez, Dad, I'd love to.
Oscar Leroy:
Thank you, son.
Brent LeRoy:
But I can't, I'm giving Mom away.
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:
You're useless!
Brent LeRoy:
Hey, I'm, uh, I'm sorry about that crack I made at the Ruby. Which, although it was funny, may have seemed insensitive. Although it was funny.
Davis Quinton:
It's okay.
Brent LeRoy:
Why didn't you tell me you couldn't smell?
Davis Quinton:
I did.
[flashback]
Brent LeRoy:
Can you smell propane?
Davis Quinton:
No, I can't smell anything.
[flashback ends]
Brent LeRoy:
Anyone could've missed that.
Davis Quinton:
Well, you obviously don't remember the rest of the conversation.
[flashback]
Davis Quinton:
It's not that I can't smell propane, it's that I can't smell *anything*. Propane, skunk, leftovers. I have no sense of smell!
[flashback ends]
Brent LeRoy:
Ah, you talk in riddles.
Brent LeRoy:
Can I help you, Wes?
Oscar Leroy:
Hey, I was here before him!
Wanda Dollard:
Age before more age.
Oscar Leroy:
Oh sure, big spender! Go ahead! But just remember, money talks. But it don't sing and dance. And it don't walk!
Lacey Burrows:
Who's your mommy?
Brent LeRoy:
I'm not up on that new stuff.
Wanda Dollard:
You're not up on it? Or you're not into it?
Brent LeRoy:
I might be into it, if I was up on it. But I'm not up on it, so I'm not into it. What I'm into, I'm up on.
Lacey Burrows:
I'm mostly into what I'm up on, but even though I'm not up on the new stuff, I'm sort of into it.
Brent LeRoy:
I'm down with that.
Wanda Dollard:
Prepositions are fun, aren't they?
Brent LeRoy:
What's a preposition?
Karen Pelly:
Where'd you get the cash for that stun gun? I though you were gonna use the surplus to buy bullet proof vests.
Davis Quinton:
I saved a little money by buying bullet *resistant* vests.
Karen Pelly:
Listen, Oscar, I would prefer it if you didn't tell anyone I was cooking for you.
Oscar Leroy:
Done.
Karen Pelly:
Don't you wanna know why?
Oscar Leroy:
Does it seem like I wanna know why?
Karen Pelly:
I read an article that said career women shouldn't exhibit traditional woman skills, like cooking. Because it can undermine our status and we could lose the respect of our male colleagues.
Oscar Leroy:
[chuckles] Whatever you say, Toots.
Emma Leroy:
You gotta stop with this revenge.
Oscar Leroy:
This is not about revenge, this is about getting even!
Karen Pelly:
[over the police radio] Davis? Come in, Davis.
Davis Quinton:
Go ahead, Karen.
Karen Pelly:
We got a 10-19 in progress.
Davis Quinton:
Trouble at the Mini Putt?
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