Derek: [shouting] Do you wanna do something illegal? Whittier: Uhh... Okay? Derek: Really? What kind of girl are you? Marni Potts: You're the towel girl. It's an honor. Janice: How is it an honor? Marni Potts: Well let's just say there is no towl girl, say Greg hoisted Tina up into a QP, and there is no one to towl off his sweaty hands, Tina slips, Tina falls and lands on her spinal chord and spends the rest of her life doing watercolors with her teeth. Do you want that to happen? Janice: I guess not. Janice: I didn't think so. Tina Hammersmith: I want you to know that just by trying out today, you're already a winner. Tiny Blonde: [giggles] Tina Hammersmith: Unless of course you get cut, in which case, technically a loser. Penelope Hope: The Nutcracker is a patriarchal ballet. The only good thing in the Nutcracker is the rats and they die! Penelope Hope: Well, some people look at an impossible situation and ask, "Why?" Others look at the same situation and ask "why not?" For the competition on Saturday, I'm asking myself, "Why?" Why bother? In a billion years, we're all gonna be obliviated by a black hole anyway! Tina Hammersmith: Sweety, no double earrings. You're a state cheerleader, not a state HOOKER! Greg: Hey Smart Guy! Why don't you say something smart, Smart Guy? Derek: Ok, how about something foreign and exotic like "Adios!" Greg: That's right, I quit too! Tina Hammersmith: Greg you'll lose your cheerleading scholarship. Greg: That's right, I'm stayin here! But under a cloud of shame! Monica Jones: Whit, what is a sign without glitter? That is why no one showed up! Whittier: Don't be all up in my kool-aid! [snaps and walks away] Tina Hammersmith: [softly to herself] What does that mean? Tina Hammersmith: Congratulations, my little pumpkins. You have now joined the best of the best of the best. From here on out, you must be the bomb diggity.
[Marni pulls out a dry erase pad and writes Bomb Diggity]
Tina Hammersmith: You must eat leaner, train meaner, jump higher, yell louder and out-pep anyone who stands in your way. You must brush better, floss better, later rinse-and-repeat better and in other words you must *be* better... [Marni holds up board that says Better] Tina Hammersmith: ... in every aspect of your life. Are you ready for all that? Greg: Well, what I lose in scholarships, I gain in testicles! Marni Potts: ...so make like a Tom, and cruise. Tina Hammersmith: Sheila? Marni Potts: Too fat. Tina Hammersmith: Kenny? Marni Potts: Too dorkey. Tina Hammersmith: Brenda? Tina Hammersmith: Psycho. Marni Potts: Oh psycho. Tina Hammersmith: Cindy? Marni Potts: Snaggle tooth. Tina Hammersmith: Carol-Anne? Marni Potts: Excema. Tina Hammersmith: It's called lotion Tina Hammersmith: Theo? Marni Potts: Too gay. Tina Hammersmith: Patrick? Greg: Not gay enough. Tina Hammersmith: And finally Whittier... Derek: This next track is dedicated to all the guys out there whose hearts have been ripped out of their chests and devoured for breakfast by cute, peppy, social climbing blonde girls. Gimme a hey, gimme a ho, gimme a I Don't Know You Any More. I know it sucks.