Jeremy Osborne: How thick is wall? Jeremy Osborne: [crouching behind a bush with Mark, in Sophie's back garden] It's payback time. And she's going to pay back... in fear dollars! Jeremy Osborne: We're just gradually sliding into a fuck buddy scenario. Mark Corrigan: Fuck buddy? Jeremy Osborne: Yeah. A buddy you can fuck. Mark Corrigan: Listen, you know Kerry. Cancer Kerry? Jeremy Osborne: Yeah? Mark Corrigan: I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about. Can you remember? Jeremy Osborne: Sure. It was Dr Ying Fu Yip. Wang Shong. Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Ning Po Ku. Mark Corrigan: Oh, right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon. Mark Corrigan: Yeah, so, er, Jeremy tells me you two watched a porno together. You know, I'd be into... Toni: No, that was "The English Patient". Jeremy Osborne: What joke is next? "Hey, Jez, your mum's dead!" Jeremy Osborne: Super Hans got a bass loop for our track that is so good that when he tried turning it off, he physically couldn't do it. Jeremy Osborne: [masturbating while looking at a "Fantasy Figure Modeller" magazine] [thinks] Jeremy Osborne: I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf so she might be... "Oh! You dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin." "Oh, yeah... pixie ears. But that sword." What if she was a hobbit slayer? I'd just use my enchanted amulet. "Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit-slayer. You will touch my magic cock." Mark Corrigan: [thinks] She's ignoring me. Of course, she's ignoring me. I sent her a swastika. Jeremy Osborne: Ah, you see! He did do it, but for a nice reason. Who's the racist now, Mark? Mark Corrigan: [on telephone] Er, Sophie. If you heard that, please ignore it. I'm not a racist. Far from it. Anyway... it's good to hear your voice. I know it's only a recording but you have got a bloody nice voice and... [laughs lamely] Mark Corrigan: God, I just called up to say hi and then... [singing] Mark Corrigan:
Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like... I like you. I mean, not that. But anyway... I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low so... I know it's not really your job but... You know, so... see you tomorrow.
[puts the telephone down] Mark Corrigan: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Jeremy Osborne: Oh, fuck! Mark Corrigan: Oh, my God. Jeremy Osborne: Jesus! Mark Corrigan: I've really fucked it. Have I fucked it? Jeremy Osborne: [thinks] Shit, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious. I'm Di, she's Bashir. Jeremy Osborne: [holding some Mansize tissues] Look, people will think we spend the whole time wanking. Mark Corrigan: Don't be ridiculous, they're for wiping up mess. Jeremy Osborne: Yeah, man mess. That's why they're mansize. Mark Corrigan: They're for men - men's noses, big manly snot. Valerie: Just like, be honest about it. I mean let's line up, two naked rows, best-looking people can pick the best-looking, the dregs get the dregs and we can all go home and get it over with. Toni: I had a steward eat me at Dubai airport. God, that was depressing. Mark Corrigan: So, old seat-sniffer didn't sniff any of the seats or anything, did he? Sophie Chapman: That's a rumor that isn't appropriate for you to... Jeff's a nice guy. Toni: The idea of getting caught turns me on! Jeremy Osborne: But we've already been caught. Alan: Are you a pathetic, worthless punk? Mark Corrigan: Er, well, no. Alan: Right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite. Mark Corrigan: [thinks] Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it. Alan: Then I'll make you feel like a turkey fucker. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shit heel, right? Mark Corrigan: [thinks] Brilliant. That is just so spot on. Jeremy Osborne: They should be more honest. At least, Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people." Alan: Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? She's got a fat arse. Say it. Mark Corrigan: Well, she's... Maybe it is a bit... nice, but in a sense... Jeremy Osborne: Well, he gave you the keys. Mark Corrigan: No, he forgot the keys after the pub. Then he called to put me in charge of the keys until he reclaims the keys. Jeremy Osborne: It's probably an initiative test. Will you... walk like some kind of stupid duck or will you drive like... Clarkson? Mark Corrigan: I'm 85% sure I'm straight.