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Jeremy Osborne:
How thick is wall?
Jeremy Osborne:
[crouching behind a bush with Mark, in Sophie's back garden] It's payback time. And she's going to pay back... in fear dollars!
Jeremy Osborne:
We're just gradually sliding into a fuck buddy scenario.
Mark Corrigan:
Fuck buddy?
Jeremy Osborne:
Yeah. A buddy you can fuck.
Mark Corrigan:
Listen, you know Kerry. Cancer Kerry?
Jeremy Osborne:
Yeah?
Mark Corrigan:
I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about. Can you remember?
Jeremy Osborne:
Sure. It was Dr Ying Fu Yip. Wang Shong. Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.
Mark Corrigan:
Oh, right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.
Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, so, er, Jeremy tells me you two watched a porno together. You know, I'd be into...
Toni:
No, that was "The English Patient".
Jeremy Osborne:
What joke is next? "Hey, Jez, your mum's dead!"
Jeremy Osborne:
Super Hans got a bass loop for our track that is so good that when he tried turning it off, he physically couldn't do it.
Jeremy Osborne:
[masturbating while looking at a "Fantasy Figure Modeller" magazine]
[thinks]
Jeremy Osborne:
I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf so she might be... "Oh! You dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin." "Oh, yeah... pixie ears. But that sword." What if she was a hobbit slayer? I'd just use my enchanted amulet. "Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit-slayer. You will touch my magic cock."
Mark Corrigan:
[thinks] She's ignoring me. Of course, she's ignoring me. I sent her a swastika.
Jeremy Osborne:
Ah, you see! He did do it, but for a nice reason. Who's the racist now, Mark?
Mark Corrigan:
[on telephone] Er, Sophie. If you heard that, please ignore it. I'm not a racist. Far from it. Anyway... it's good to hear your voice. I know it's only a recording but you have got a bloody nice voice and...
[laughs lamely]
Mark Corrigan:
God, I just called up to say hi and then...
[singing]
Mark Corrigan:
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100
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Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like... I like you. I mean, not that. But anyway... I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low so... I know it's not really your job but... You know, so... see you tomorrow.
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feb
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[puts the telephone down]
Mark Corrigan:
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Jeremy Osborne:
Oh, fuck!
Mark Corrigan:
Oh, my God.
Jeremy Osborne:
Jesus!
Mark Corrigan:
I've really fucked it. Have I fucked it?
Jeremy Osborne:
[thinks] Shit, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious. I'm Di, she's Bashir.
Jeremy Osborne:
[holding some Mansize tissues] Look, people will think we spend the whole time wanking.
Mark Corrigan:
Don't be ridiculous, they're for wiping up mess.
Jeremy Osborne:
Yeah, man mess. That's why they're mansize.
Mark Corrigan:
They're for men - men's noses, big manly snot.
Valerie:
Just like, be honest about it. I mean let's line up, two naked rows, best-looking people can pick the best-looking, the dregs get the dregs and we can all go home and get it over with.
Toni:
I had a steward eat me at Dubai airport. God, that was depressing.
Mark Corrigan:
So, old seat-sniffer didn't sniff any of the seats or anything, did he?
Sophie Chapman:
That's a rumor that isn't appropriate for you to... Jeff's a nice guy.
Toni:
The idea of getting caught turns me on!
Jeremy Osborne:
But we've already been caught.
Alan:
Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?
Mark Corrigan:
Er, well, no.
Alan:
Right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.
Mark Corrigan:
[thinks] Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it.
Alan:
Then I'll make you feel like a turkey fucker. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shit heel, right?
Mark Corrigan:
[thinks] Brilliant. That is just so spot on.
Jeremy Osborne:
They should be more honest. At least, Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people."
Alan:
Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? She's got a fat arse. Say it.
Mark Corrigan:
Well, she's... Maybe it is a bit... nice, but in a sense...
Jeremy Osborne:
Well, he gave you the keys.
Mark Corrigan:
No, he forgot the keys after the pub. Then he called to put me in charge of the keys until he reclaims the keys.
Jeremy Osborne:
It's probably an initiative test. Will you... walk like some kind of stupid duck or will you drive like... Clarkson?
Mark Corrigan:
I'm 85% sure I'm straight.
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2d
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Jeremy Osborne
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f4a
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:
Stop pissing on my bonfire.
Mark Corrigan:
There is no bonfire!
Jeremy Osborne:
That's because you keep pissing on it!
Toni:
The first thing to say is this is definitely not pyramid selling.
Jeremy Osborne:
Right, yeah... What's pyramid selling?
Mark Corrigan:
I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, kicked a dog to death, and I'm about to pepper spray an acquaintance... I mean, what's happened to me?
Mark Corrigan:
Life's all pain. Pain, gloom and misery... Hey, 33% extra free. I am doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind means being even more frugal than usual.
Mark Corrigan:
I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?
Mark Corrigan:
That's a very attractive system you're proposing.
Jeremy Osborne:
This is good, this is just like watching a porn film, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard on, and I want to cry...
Mark Corrigan:
[thinks] If he hangs himself over this I can stick an orange in his mouth and call it a fatal wanking accident.
Jeremy Osborne:
[speaking at his uncle's funeral] Uh, yeah, I spent some time with Ray before he went and I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus. Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things, like science or the stock market and we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into, say, Enya before but that now I really, really was into Enya and that in fact, I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral. Yeah?
Mark Corrigan:
[thinks] Please don't touch my floppy cock.
Jeremy Osborne:
[after having finished jury duty] So finally justice is served. Well, not actual justice, just what I wanted. Which is basically the same thing
Super Hans:
Oh, so now we're "working" it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?
Jeremy Osborne:
Yes! Yes exactly!
Studio Technician:
[entering studio] Okay, guys, I've been here for six hours so I, I'm just gonna grab myself a coffee.
Super Hans:
Yeah, well if you're going now don't even fuckin' dream of coming back!
[unconvincingly tries to trash studio]
Super Hans:
Tell you what, that crack is really more-ish.
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