Denis Leary: The only reason why Pete Townshend got busted was because he borrowed Mario Cantone's laptop. Dane Cook:
Mario Cantone has a real soft spot for young comedians. It's called his asshole.
Nick DiPaolo: Let's take a look back at Denis' film career, since his agent didn't. Adam Ferrara: A new spinoff series will be starring Jeff Garlin on HBO soon. It's called "Curb Your Appetite". Nick DiPaolo: Lenny Clarke, holy shit! What, did your Bowflex get lost in the mail? How's it possible to have a coke problem and a weight problem at the same time? What are you snorting, confectionary sugar? Dane Cook: Mario Cantone is so gay, that when gay people walk down the street and see him, they're like, "Fag". Mario Cantone: I'm still waiting for you to come out, bitch! [Two-word reviews of Denis Leary's movies] Doctor Dré: Ice Age. Ed Lover: Not "Shrek". Doctor Dré: Double Whammy. Ed Lover: Triple crappy. Doctor Dré: Company Man. Ed Lover: You're fired. Doctor Dré: Jesus' Son. Ed Lover: Holy shit. Doctor Dré: The Thomas Crown Affair. Ed Lover: Watch original. Doctor Dré: True Crime. Ed Lover: ...against cinema. Doctor Dré: A Bug's Life. Ed Lover: Call exterminator. Doctor Dré: Wide Awake. Ed Lover: Not us. Doctor Dré: Monument Avenue. Ed Lover: Bad title. Doctor Dré: Wag the Dog. Ed Lover: Dog crap. Doctor Dré: The Matchmaker. Ed Lover: The Craptaker Doctor Dré: Operation: Dumbo Drop. Ed Lover: Operation fuckin' boredom. Doctor Dré: A classic: "The Ref." Ed Lover: Personal foul. Doctor Dré: Judgment Night. Ed Lover: It sucked. Doctor Dré: Demolition Man. Ed Lover: Why, Denis? Doctor Dré: Who's the Man. Ed Lover: Now, that's classic. Doctor Dré: The Sandlot. Ed Lover: The litterbox. Doctor Dré: Loaded Weapon. Ed Lover: Loaded diaper. Doctor Dré: And ladies and gentlemen, the Oscar-winning performance: "Two If By Sea". Ed Lover: Fuck you. Colin Quinn: You're lucky Kiefer Sutherland said yes. Otherwise, I'd be up here making "Mighty Ducks" jokes to Emilio Estevez. Nick DiPaolo: Why are we roasting you? You're Irish, shouldn't we be boiling you? Adam Ferrara: You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you. Colin Quinn: [about Doctor Dre and Ed Lover] They brought black culture into white suburbs. They're the guys to blame when your daughter comes home and says, "Daddy, this is Antonio McDyess." When you come home early from work and your daughter's standing there in just a Trailblazers jersey, eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles with Rasheed Wallace, these are the sonofabitches you can blame. [about "The Job"] Mario Cantone:
That show was so bad, TiVo would reject the repeats!