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Stephen Fry
演员
饰Host (49 ...
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Jo Brand
演员
饰Herself (14&#...
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John Sessions
演员
饰Himself (8...
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Jeremy Clarkson
演员
饰Himself (4...
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Stephen Fry:
Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.
Stephen Fry:
How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon:
Softly with their songs.
Stephen Fry:
What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand:
They have a pulse.
[During a discussion on the future of Aviation, Stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog]
Stephen Fry:
The job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. The job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.
[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry:
Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.
Stephen Fry:
[quoting boxer Alan Minter] Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none have been serious.
Stephen Fry:
[quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.
Stephen Fry:
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?
[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies:
Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson:
After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.
Clive Anderson:
I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.
Sean Lock:
Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry:
[looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.
Stephen Fry:
If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies:
Scandal.
Rich Hall:
[after being informed that Earth has a second moon called "Cruithne"] So why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky"? Or "Cruithne River"? Or...
Alan Davies:
No-one can see it, it's miles away.
Stephen Fry:
Because it was discovered in
[shouts]
Stephen Fry:
nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!
Sean Lock:
No! That can't be right. Because the song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend".
Stephen Fry:
Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.
Stephen Fry:
Have you met any American Jeremy?
Jeremy Clarkson:
No, It's too complicated - three syllables.
Jeremy Clarkson:
[Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
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Stephen Fry
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:
You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson:
It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies:
That must have been a Welcome Break.
Stephen Fry:
What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall:
The Pentagon.
Stephen Fry:
[signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.
Stephen Fry:
This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.
Sean Lock:
This is like the Early Learning Centre.
[Stephen admits to asking a trick question about the birth of a historical figure]
Stephen Fry:
There was nothing unusual about the birth.
[pointing to Alan]
Stephen Fry:
We just wanted Laughing Boy to fall into our cunning trap.
Stephen Fry:
[holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry:
What have I got?
Alan Davies:
Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry:
No, a very excited moth.
Rich Hall:
Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry:
There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.
Stephen Fry:
Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies:
I feel a trap coming on.
Rich Hall:
You can develop film in the Lee river, but you can't Kayak in it.
Stephen Fry:
What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson:
Jim Davidson.
Stephen Fry:
Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.
Alan Davies:
I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry:
No, you're not, you couldn't be.
Stephen Fry:
What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
[pause]
Stephen Fry:
"The Financial Times'" crossword.
Stephen Fry:
[during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus:
What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry:
Fair point.
Phill Jupitus:
"What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
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Stephen Fry
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:
Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus:
That's you.
Stephen Fry:
Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.
Stephen Fry:
[after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey:
Do we?
Stephen Fry:
"Hullo, what's that?"... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey:
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry:
You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.
Stephen Fry:
[regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock:
War criminals.
Sean Lock:
The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry:
Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock:
Because they're shit.
[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall:
I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".
Alan Davies:
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
[pause]
Alan Davies:
The parrots-eat-em-all!
Stephen Fry:
What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus:
They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.
Alan Davies:
[about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock:
You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?
Bill Bailey:
[who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!
Phill Jupitus:
[during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry:
Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey:
[laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus:
[putting on posh accent]
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"Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!
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Stephen Fry:
A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall:
You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies:
Should all else fail.
Stephen Fry:
Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand:
I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies:
I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.
Alan Davies:
[after his buzzer is a sexy woman's voice saying "Ahoy, hello sailor"] Hang on, hang on, who was that?
[pushes buzzer again]
Alan Davies:
Hells bells.
Rob Brydon:
[about whether Jesus could walk on custard] Actually this was one of the Lord's favorite past times. Out with the bread, out with the fish, oh, look what I got for desert, somebody hold my shoes.
Rich Hall:
[asked by Stephen whether Jesus could walk on custard] Maybe at one point when he was a children's entertainer. That's a sarcastic question to ask him, "Water? How about custard?"
Rob Brydon:
When I was small and my dad just happened to hit his finger with a hammer for something new, he used to say, 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.'
Stephen Fry:
That's a good saying 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.' I usually just say "Fuck it!"
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