"QI" (2003) 9.4

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians. Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles? Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs. Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army? Jo Brand: They have a pulse. [During a discussion on the future of Aviation, Stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog] Stephen Fry: The job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. The job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything. [advice on airline food] Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat. Stephen Fry: [quoting boxer Alan Minter] Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none have been serious. Stephen Fry: [quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe. Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world? [the contestants are discussing elephants] Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk? Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere. Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that. Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk. Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again. Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...? Alan Davies: Scandal. Rich Hall: [after being informed that Earth has a second moon called "Cruithne"] So why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky"? Or "Cruithne River"? Or... Alan Davies: No-one can see it, it's miles away. Stephen Fry: Because it was discovered in [shouts] Stephen Fry: nineteen-ninety-fucking-four! Sean Lock: No! That can't be right. Because the song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend". Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for. Stephen Fry: Have you met any American Jeremy? Jeremy Clarkson: No, It's too complicated - three syllables. Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.

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Stephen Fry

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: You heard it here first, folks. Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet. Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break. Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons? Rich Hall: The Pentagon. Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead. Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense. Sean Lock: This is like the Early Learning Centre. [Stephen admits to asking a trick question about the birth of a historical figure] Stephen Fry: There was nothing unusual about the birth. [pointing to Alan] Stephen Fry: We just wanted Laughing Boy to fall into our cunning trap. Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand, [bringing out his right fist] Stephen Fry: What have I got? Alan Davies: Two moth balls? Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth. Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident. Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk. Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long? Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on. Rich Hall: You can develop film in the Lee river, but you can't Kayak in it. Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world? Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson. Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry. Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think! Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be. Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning? [pause] Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword. Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why? Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this? Stephen Fry: Fair point. Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."

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Stephen Fry