好汉两个半 (2003) 5.9

[Charlie has arranged a "play date" for Jake] Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins. Alan: Are you happy? Charlie: I have my moments, but they're getting farther apart. Alan: What's the matter with you? Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy. Alan: Show me the better. Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that. Evelyn Harper: I'm not speaking to you. Charlie: OK Evelyn Harper: Do you want to know why? Charlie: No, I trust your judgment. Charlie: Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here. Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more. Jake: I don't hate you. Charlie: Good. Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you. Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother. Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear. Jake: Lucky for you, huh. Alan: This is not who I am. Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen. Judith: How was your weekend? Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you. Alan: Jake, go to your room. Jake: If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room? Alan: [turning to Jake] Now! [looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date] Alan: That her? [blows his nose] Alan: I'm cured! Charlie:

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I remember your high school friend Jamie Eckleberry. We used to call her Eckleberry Hound.

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Alan: You used to call her that. Charlie: I didn't name her that. I just spread it around. Hey, be sure to keep her off the rug. Alan: Very funny. You know she's very successful in her field. Charlie: Oh, how nice. She has a field to run around in! Alan: This is getting old. Charlie: In people or dog years? Look, I'll be nice. I'll say hello... then scratch behind her ears. Alan: Are you done yet? Charlie: I hope she looks fetching. OK, now I'm done. [There's a knock at the door. Jamie enters, wearing a curve hugging dress and showing off lots of cleavage] Charlie: [with his mouth hanging open] Woof! Sean Penn: Back off, Mary Poppins. Elvis Costello: [while writing down song lyrics based on Sean Penn's thoughts, Elvis Costello comes up with an excuse for what he's writing down] Shopping list. Charlie: Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats. Alan: Hold on Mom, [puts a hand over the phone] Alan: Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not. Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull. Alan: Mom, Charlie on board. Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost. Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two. Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread. Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason. Alan: She just throw me out after ten years! Charlie: How did you get in my house? Frankie: You're gonna get laid tonight. Alan: [starts tearing up] I think I might cry again. Jake: I understand. Charlie: Do you? Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore. Charlie: I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane. [Charlie has run into some financial trouble] Charlie: I can't do this anymore. I quit. Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie. [Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend who is now a man] Alan: Holy mother of god!

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Charlie