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[Charlie has arranged a "play date" for Jake]
Charlie:
The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
Alan:
Are you happy?
Charlie:
I have my moments, but they're getting farther apart.
Alan:
What's the matter with you?
Charlie:
I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan:
Show me the better.
Alan:
I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Evelyn Harper:
I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie:
OK
Evelyn Harper:
Do you want to know why?
Charlie:
No, I trust your judgment.
Charlie:
Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Charlie:
Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more.
Jake:
I don't hate you.
Charlie:
Good.
Jake:
I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie:
Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Alan:
Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake:
Lucky for you, huh.
Alan:
This is not who I am.
Charlie:
Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.
Judith:
How was your weekend?
Jake:
Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
Alan:
Jake, go to your room.
Jake:
If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room?
Alan:
[turning to Jake] Now!
[looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date]
Alan:
That her?
[blows his nose]
Alan:
I'm cured!
Charlie:
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61
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I remember your high school friend Jamie Eckleberry. We used to call her Eckleberry Hound.
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fd6
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Alan:
You used to call her that.
Charlie:
I didn't name her that. I just spread it around. Hey, be sure to keep her off the rug.
Alan:
Very funny. You know she's very successful in her field.
Charlie:
Oh, how nice. She has a field to run around in!
Alan:
This is getting old.
Charlie:
In people or dog years? Look, I'll be nice. I'll say hello... then scratch behind her ears.
Alan:
Are you done yet?
Charlie:
I hope she looks fetching. OK, now I'm done.
[There's a knock at the door. Jamie enters, wearing a curve hugging dress and showing off lots of cleavage]
Charlie:
[with his mouth hanging open] Woof!
Sean Penn:
Back off, Mary Poppins.
Elvis Costello:
[while writing down song lyrics based on Sean Penn's thoughts, Elvis Costello comes up with an excuse for what he's writing down] Shopping list.
Charlie:
Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
Alan:
Hold on Mom,
[puts a hand over the phone]
Alan:
Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not.
Charlie:
[doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan:
Mom, Charlie on board.
Alan:
Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake:
Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie:
Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Alan:
Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.
Alan:
She just throw me out after ten years!
Charlie:
How did you get in my house?
Frankie:
You're gonna get laid tonight.
Alan:
[starts tearing up] I think I might cry again.
Jake:
I understand.
Charlie:
Do you?
Jake:
No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.
Charlie:
I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
[Charlie has run into some financial trouble]
Charlie:
I can't do this anymore. I quit.
Alan:
You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
[Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend who is now a man]
Alan:
Holy mother of god!
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Charlie
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fed
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:
Welcome to the matrix.
Alan:
[Alan is sleep walking] Gort. Klatuu, barada, nikto.
Charlie:
What?
Alan:
[seductively] You know...
Charlie:
You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan:
We don't know that.
Charlie:
A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Charlie:
Drugs! Get me drugs!
Alan:
No. Medication will only mask the pain.
Charlie:
Fine, mask it! Give it a cape and let it fight crime, I don't give a damn!
[after Alan forgot to pick him up at school]
Jake:
How many kids you got?
Alan:
[to Charlie] Does your penis have an off switch?
Alan:
How do I look?
Charlie:
[doesn't look at him] Great. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.
Alan:
Charlie, can you at least look at me before you answer?
Charlie:
[looks up] I stand corrected... All men want to be with you.
Alan:
How do I look?
Charlie:
[not looking] You look great. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.
Alan:
You're not even looking.
Charlie:
[looks] I stand corrected. All men want to be with you...
Berta:
Gadzooks! Sparky's getting his freak on.
Charlie:
We live in an age of miracles.
Berta:
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.
[Charlie is working out; Alan drink from his bottle]
Alan:
What is this?
Charlie:
Bourbon.
Alan:
You're drinking bourbon while working out?
Charlie:
Gin makes me sweat.
Jake:
[a little while after he breaks wind] Everybody save yourselves. Run for your lives
[runs outside]
Alan:
...And as a general rule, when he says it's bad, take his word for it.
[rises from the table]
Rose:
Oh, please, Alan, I grew up with three older brothers and *oh, my God*!
Charlie:
[after Jake spends a night at Evelyn's house] Do you realize that he
[Jake]
Charlie:
did in one night, what we could never do in our lifetime.
Alan:
He broke her.
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Charlie
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ff8
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:
He chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan:
It was a beautiful thing.
Sherri:
[standing in the bedroom, wearing a negligee] You're unbelievable, Alan.
Alan:
Now, that could be taken a number of ways...
Sherri:
Get out!
Alan:
No ambiguity there.
Charlie:
[Alan is complaining about Judith wasting the money he pays in child support] You're like an Alzheimer's patient at a whore house - you keep forgetting that you've been screwed, and you keep refusing to pay for it.
Charlie:
[making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal] Want to shake on it?
Charlie:
[their mother just came to visit] So... to what do we owe the...
Evelyn Harper:
Pleasure?
Charlie:
No, that's not it.
Evelyn Harper:
Well, I just felt like coming by to see some people who I love very much.
Alan:
And they weren't home?
Evelyn Harper:
[Evelyn left her bra in Charlie's car] Now go get Mommy's bra.
[Charlie stands and pulls the bra out of his pocket. Pause]
Evelyn Harper:
Oh, darling, that's just sick.
[Evelyn takes the bra. Starts to walk away, then turns back to Charlie]
Evelyn Harper:
Seek help.
Evelyn Harper:
[Evelyn's in the hospital. Charlie keeps pulling out a plug and re-inserting it] Charlie, what are you doing?
Charlie:
Practicing.
Judith:
Now was that so hard?
Alan:
No, actually, it was surprisingly easy.
[shuts door]
Alan:
All I had to do was bend over and unclench.
Evelyn Harper:
I need to find something black.
[for the funeral]
Charlie:
I think your heart counts.
Charlie:
[Alan is supposed to have a colonoscopy, and is very worried about it] Count your blessings; in the old days, they had to send a sketch-artist up there.
Isabella:
[chanting] Annoint him, annoint him, annoint him.
Charlie:
[singing] I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl, you just don't realize what you do to me.
Rose:
When your psyche is iffy, you can't get a stiffy.
Charlie:
Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.
Charlie:
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3b
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People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.
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f66
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Judith:
I think he needs to see someone.
Alan:
What, you mean like a shrink?
Judith:
No, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce - he's not processing his emotions in a healthy way and I think therapy could help unblock him.
Alan:
Where did you get that?
Judith:
From my therapist.
Alan:
[sarcastically] Who's working wonders for you.
Judith:
Excuse me!
Alan:
[sincerely] Who's working wonders for you.
Alan:
He's just a normal 11-year-old boy who happens to be grumpy.
Judith:
And I'm just a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by patience I mean Prozac.
Alan:
Wait a minute, you can't still be
Jake:
Hey uncle Charlie, what's green, has four legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you it will hurt
Charlie:
I don't know what.
Jake:
A pool table ha ha ha ha that's funny because you wouldn't think of that.
Dr. Linda Freeman:
Do you like puppets?
Jake:
Not really.
Dr. Linda Freeman:
[taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!
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