Ellen: When I was eight years old I told my dad that I wanted to take an acting class. He said, "There are five billion people in this world, if one-tenth of 1% of them wanted to be actors, that would still be five million people. Do you really think you're prettier than five million people? You're not even the prettiest girl in your class." Vlad: I think you're very pretty. Vlad: Have you ever experimented with heterosexuality? Michael: What? You mean sleep with a straight guy? What for? Vlad: Are you blushing? Michael: Are you kidding? I'm doing everything but bat my eyes! Ellen: Thirty foot rule? Spitzer: What's that? Ellen: Means Michael has to stay thirty feet away from him until we find out if he's straight or gay. Jill: Don't worry. You're only a few pounds heavier then Ellen. Spitzer: I think I've met your sister, Cinderella. Michael: I can't even straighten my hair! Director: Now, do it again. And try not to screw up the blocking this time, eyes, eyes, nostrils, silent scream! Jenna: I have to go to the bathroom. Director: Piss in the dumpster! Again! Michael: [after Vlad kisses his girlfriend, Julie] I give up! Jill: Are you new? Fritzi: No, I was here last year. Don't you remember me? [on her negative] Fritzi: We were in 'Night, Mother together. Bert: I'm gonna call it off. Glen: I think you'd better. Fritzi: Wait! Bert: Fritzi, what in the hell are you doing here? Fritzi: Well I... I knew you'd be discussing stopping the show and I just thought how disappointed all the kids would be after... Bert: You scheming little bitch! Fritzi: Oh please! I'm a child. Bert: If you think for one... Fritzi: Oh save the speech, rummy. She's fucked, I'm ready, and the goddamn show must go on. So let's get cracking, shall we? Spitzer:
My junior prom I stayed home with a roll of cookie dough and TV-Land.
Shaun: I watched my junior prom from outside in the bushes for three hours. Spitzer: Oh, that's so Stella Dallas! [first lines] [scene opens on Dee, Shaun and Company singing "How Shall I See You Through My Tears"] [as singing continues, scene shifts to Vlad in his bedroom] Vlad: To all the critics out there, I know they're gonna review this, and I know they're gonna try to knock me - is it OK if I say this to the camera, Amber? - Okay. I only am who I am 'cause I was born that way. I have a gift, and I'm trying not to be selfish about it, but to use it. Okay? If you're gonna knock me for that, that's your problem. Jealousy will get you nowhere. And I'm gonna keep rockin' on. [scene returns to singing cast, then shifts to Ellen's bathroom] Ellen's Brother: Ellen, what's the matter with you? Don't tell Mom I'm taking you to your stupid junior prom. Ellen: [in shower] Get out of here! Ellen's Brother: Your brother - how gross is that! Come on! Ellen: They don't know you're my brother. Please Ben you have to - I'll pay you. Ellen's Brother: Find someone who's not related to you. Loser. [scene shifts to Michael, in drag, attempting to enter his prom - the teacher rips up his ticket and he's beaten up by fellow students - Michael dreams himself back to the cast singing "How Shall I See You Through My Tears"] [last lines] Vlad: Well, now that camp's over - almost over - and we live kind of close to each other I was hoping that... we can go out sometime. Michael: I *know* you're not asking girlfriend out for a date after all this. Vlad: If she'll forgive me. Michael: This boy not only has cajones, but he's got burritos and huevos rancheros too. Ellen: [to Vlad] Okay. Michael: What? Vlad: Really? Ellen: I'll go out with you. Michael: Ellen, you're like some Jenny Jones guest! Ellen: Michael, eventually I have to start hanging out with boys who don't wear dresses. I thought we came here to go swimming. [to Vlad] Ellen: You coming in? Vlad: It's pretty cold. Ellen: I'll take my chances. Vlad: ...Okay. [they jump in lake] Ellen: It's not that cold. Vlad: It's freezing. Ellen: Don't be a girl - leave that to Michael. [Michael jumps in lake] Michael: You two are like a bad car wreck - I wash my hands of the both of you. Ellen: Oh yeah? Michael: Oh it's cold! Quit splashing! [scene shifts to the cast singing "The Want of a Nail"]