Ice T: And the winner of playa-hater of the year is... Silky John-ston. [applause] Pit Bull: Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! I'm the biggest hater! Intervention Counselor: Harold, what time did you tell him to be here? Harold: 5:00. But he's always late. Rhonda: Oh, he'll be here. In 3, 2, 1... Tyrone Biggums: [bursts inside room] Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway? Clayton Bigsby: Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be *me*." Tron: Hey, it's white boy, ok who ordered the pizza. Hey white boy find the square root of this room. [ask a Gay Dude segment] person on street: Yo, is gettin' oral sex from a man better than gettin' oral sex from a woman? Mario Cantone: Pfff, how the fuck would I know? Next question. [pause] Mario Cantone: IT'S BETTER! Tyrone Biggums: Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it. [from the "Ask A Gay Dude" segment] Rapper: What the fuck is up with the rainbow? I'm not feelin' the rainbow! Mario Cantone: I'll put a band-aid on your face and make you my Nelly. Tron: America wanna see me live, not work. Look at this America, look at how Tron is livin' in the city. [holding up a wad of bills] Phaze 2: Yo, go in there and get me a Philly blunt son. Tron: And a banana Cognac, biotch. Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda? Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you asleep in it high on crack! Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you. [speaking to elementary school class] Tyrone Biggums: Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high. Tyrone Biggums:
...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack.
Dave Chappelle: Knock-knock... Audience: Who's there? Dave Chappelle: Some skits, biotch. [Clayton Bigsby's truck pulls up next to a group of white kids listening to rap] Clayton Bigsby: Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie! Hip-Hop Fan: Did he just call us niggers?... AWESOME! Chad: Be careful if you ever get a sleeper hold. The next day your anus will really hurt. Tron: Night. Night. Keep yo butthole tight. Dave Chappelle: It's not HBO. It's regular ass TV. Tyrone Biggums: You know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... delicious. Tyrone Biggums: [hands full of money] Crack, here I come. News Reporter: What about people who say you're only interested in the Middle East for oil? President Black Bush: What? Huh? Oil? Who said somethin' bout oil, bitch. You cookin? Oil? Man, I don't know what... [knocks over water pitcher] President Black Bush: Come on, y'all! Get out of here! Dave Chappelle: Ever since I've been doing this show a lot of rappers have been offering me to be in their videos. Which is nice but they get me to do stupid stuff. Like, whadda got to do, Snoop? Dave Chappelle: [imitating Snoop Dogg] Okay, here it is, Dave. It's a club scene and like you is dancing and then you slip on a banana peel and land in some doo-doo. Splat. Then you rollin' around got doo-doo all over you and then here I come with my gatas', my now an' lata' gata's, steps over and then you see me walk off in slow-motion. Dave Chappelle: And I'm like, "Hold up nigga! Why can't I be the one in slow-motion? I'm tired of being the one in the doo-doo!" Black Gallagher: Hope you all like my outfit. The queer guys came by and had an eye for me. Dave Chappelle: Fuck Nick Cannon! Dave Chappelle! Chappelle's Kid: He's 'ilarious. Dave Chappelle: You know what you're acting like a little bitch! Dave Chappelle: [on the phone with a director] Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English! Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned. Rick James: [to his bodyguards] Do with him whatever you like. Charlie Murphy: Motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfucking window. Rick James: Cubbie, freeze! Charlie Murphy:
You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face!