Bill: [Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" [Bill laughs] Bill: I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign." Ron White: Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah... Bill: Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long! Jeff: That is beautiful, did you just make that up? Bill: Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show. [Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers] Bill: That's where they compare things... [Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five] Bill: So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?" [Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands in 'scouts honor'] Bill: I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign! Jeff: I hate to stop you, 'cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" [audience cracks up] Jeff: I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign! Larry The Cable Guy: [very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders." [Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault] Jeff: I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up... Larry The Cable Guy: No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!" [audience and cast crack up] Larry The Cable Guy: My grandma, is uh, covered in moles. [cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show] Larry The Cable Guy:
No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill: I don't think he's kidding! [Jeff and Ron also shake their heads] Larry The Cable Guy: No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs. Jeff: Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother? Larry The Cable Guy: They had 'em there. Jeff: I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say? Larry The Cable Guy: [laughing] Get well soon! [Audience cheers] Larry The Cable Guy: Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign! [audience cheers and claps] Ron White: Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?" [Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture] Ron White: Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign! Jeff: [after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one? Bill: Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign! Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit. Jeff: [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit. Ron White: He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions. Jeff: He a over-achiever. Larry The Cable Guy: I don't know about all that, but... [Bill cracks up laughing] Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit Jeff: Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there. Ron White:
I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.