Avid Merrion: Hello to you. My name is Avid Merrion. I am number one celabrity superfan here in the world. This is my programme, I hope you like it, it is warm. Michael Jackson: Kiss my bad self motherfucker cha'mone! Reporter: So, David what's the latest on your transfer? David Beckham: It's not a transfer! It's a real tattoo and it says, "My Name is David"! Huh-huh! Craig David: Ya wot, Kes? Don't call her that, Kes! She's not a slag, she's me mum! Kelly Osbourne: [on Christina Aguilera] She's one of the most disgusting people in the world! Sure, she had an amazing voice, but that doesn't change the fact she's a total [bleep] Kelly Osbourne: ! I mean she looks like a [bleeping] Kelly Osbourne: drag queen! Right dad? Ozzy Osbourne: You're all [bleeping] Ozzy Osbourne: mad! Kelly Osbourne: Not me, I'm just slightly overweight. Ozzy Osbourne: [mutters] Fat bitch. David Blaine: Later on I'll be milking beer from a cow, keep watching! David Blaine: As a kid I would spend many hours in my bedroom jerking off to pictures of beautiful women. Now I can make actual beautiful women appear in my bedroom by using the magic. Shazam! Craig David: Channel 55 and a box of tissues, that's what I use for my sexual issues. Michael Jackson: Today is visitay day and I got that Liz Taylor bitch coming to see me, that's the American Pat Butcher. OW! Michael Jackson: When they say phat, they meant it with a P-H! So what's going down, Liz? You tape my TV shows? Liz Taylor: I sure did, Michael, you little motherfucker! I taped you The Cosby Show, the Diff'rent Strokes and a one hour documentary on Richard Pryor, on the Biography Channel! Michael Jackson: Chamone! Richard Pryor be a bad motherfucka in Superman 3! He put black on the map! Ow! Liz Taylor: He sure did, Michael! But what about Lenny Henry? Michael Jackson:
Lenny Henry be outta sight! With the red nose and the Ooooh-Kaaaay! Check it with me brothers...
[everyone] Michael Jackson: Ooooh-Kaaaay! Liz Taylor: [giggles] I'm gonna marry that bitch, Michael, just for you! You lil motherfucker! Michael Jackson: Chamone, Liz! Cha-motherfucking-one! Eh! Gandalf the White: Thou shall not pass! Unless you can do a handstand for your grandfather! Mary Jane: Do you love me? Peter Parker: Um... Mary Jane: Do you love me [starts to unbutton shirt] Peter Parker: Er... Mary Jane: [shows chest] Do you love *these*? Peter Parker: Ooh! Marilyn Manson: This is the living room, where I like to relax and sometimes stick my penis between my legs and pretend I'm a lady. Ant Man: I canny help it man, the blood rush round me head keep me pantin' all the time... weyhey man, I'm Ant Man. Dec Pet: An I'm Dec Pet, and this is the part of the show where we don't know what's gonay happen. Ant Man: So as always, lets take out our earpieces. Dec Pet: And lets turn off the autocue, howay gi' us the card. This week, Ant Man will be doin, or no pet someone doesn' like you! Ant Man: Why's it always me man! Dec Pet: Howay, don't be such a bairn, Join us afta the break to find oot what he'll be doin!... Weyhey that was a long one, alreet pet, this week, Ant Man will be getting' bummed by a special mystery guest, I go gan see if their ready Dec Pet: Alreet pet, this weeks guest, all the way from Byker Groove, it's me Declan Donnelly! I canny believe it man, I've been wanin' to do this since SMTV, he gives me a reet Wonkey Donkey, and no, I won't be usin' an implement, I'll be usin' me manhood, I haveney bummed him before but like me father said when I were a bairn, there's a first time for everything, so lets get crackin' with the knackin'! Dec Pet: Ooh, howay son. I donay need no butta, this is goin' straight in. This is better than Cat Deeley man, smile ya bastad, smile! Michael Jackson, Other Inmates: [protesting while in Prison] We all want some Country Fried Chicken! We all Want Some Country fried Chicken! Michael Jackson, Other Inmates: Tgat Country fried Chicken is finger-lickin'! That Country fried Chicken is finger-lickin'! Michael Jackson, Other Inmates: That Slop and Shit, it makes us mad That Slop and Shit, it makes us mad Michael Jackson, Other Inmates: Give us some Chicken, you'll know who's bad! Give us some Chicken, you'll know who's bad! Michael Jackson, Other Inmates: Who's Bad? You're Bad! Michael Jackson: That's Right, I'm a bad, invincible country fried chicken demonstrating muthafucka! Craig David: Reeto! Craaaiiig David 'ere with our Kes and we're in Lapland! And we're staying at the Snowland Hotel and as you can see, it's shaped like two tits! Bo' Selecta! Mel B: Ola! That's Spanish for how do, yer bastards, yer!