Town Hall, New York City, 26 June 2000. An evening with Eddie Izzard in which he moves back and forth in time, with religion as the loose bu...更多>
Eddie: There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going. Eddie: He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat. Eddie: This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America. Eddie: Whales are intelligent. They do whale song. [imitates whale song] Eddie: We don't know what it means. But I think whales are travelling at 78. They're travelling at 78 speed, if we take them up to 45 speed we'll find they're singing. [sings] Eddie: I love you baby and if it's quite alright I love you baby, throughout the night, I love you baby, trust in me when I say. Eddie: Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos. Eddie: The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece. Eddie: But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?" Eddie: It was the Renaissance. The Re-Naissance. French for "rebirth". And that's why everything happened slap-bang in F - Italy. But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain... Jacques Chirac. A certain... pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne. Fuck it. Eddie: [Leonardo da Vinci] And he invented the helicopter... that did... not... work. And so did I! Yeah. Did not work. Eddie: [as Jesus, talking about the last supper] Well, what would you have done? Eddie: [as God] I would have done cheese and wine, cheese and wine goes together much better than bread and wine. "Eat this cheese for it is my body." Eddie: [as Jesus] But it's Judea, Dad. Cheese melts. Eddie: [as God] Alright then, "Eat this cheese for it is my central nervous system." Hmmmm. Alright, alright, "Now eat these chicken drumsticks, for they are my legs, eat these carrots, they are my arms, eat this tomato, it is my head, and eat these oysters, they are my kneecaps." Eddie: [as Jesus] If you do that Dad, your holy community is going to have priests with big trays yelling, "Who ordered the Body of Christ?"
: What I'm talking about is blasphemy! Blasphe-you! Blasphe-everybody in the room!... hm. 6 person joke, that. There we go. Eddie: [about Jesus] Christianity is his best film. That's where he was the 'Son of God'. Starring Jesus as the 'Son of God', where he said that famous line "Take your hands off her, you bitch!" Eddie: They're not very good at naming Popes as well. They had a run of Piuses, it went like Hollywood, they had Pope Pius the first, the second, Pope Pius the third "The revenge of Pope Pius". Pope Pius the fourth, "This time he's pissed off." Pope Pius the fifth in 3D! Eddie: During the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a genocidal fuck-head with bunny rabbit ears. Um, but he didn't say that; he wimped out, and he's been renamed now, as Pope Gutless Barstard the first. Eddie: [about the Crusades] But they went down to get the Muslims out, the Islamic people out of Jerusalem, I believe it was that. And they were hacking into them 'I kill you! I kill you in the name of Jesus.' But the Muslim people 'No! Jesus is a prophet in our religion. We kill you in the name of Jesus.' 'Do you? I didn't know that. Jesus in your, oh right! Well I kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford." 'No he wasn't! He bloody was not! He was from Judea, dark-skinned man, such as we.' 'Really? Look, we've come all this way, would you mind awfully if we hacked you to pieces? Just for the press back home." Eddie: Whats that star? Its the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.