[After catching his daughter dating a teenage boy] George: From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you! George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud! Angie: You think your only contribution to this family is a paycheck? George: That's my job in this family, Angie. When I was a kid my mom always complained about how there wasn't a man around to help her with the bills. Look, a man isn't a man unless he's a provider. I'm a hunter! I'm a provider! Angie: A hunter? You can't even give the dog eye-drops! George: If he looked away I could. George Lopez: Hey, how was church? Angie Lopez: Fine. Father Rick called you "one of the angels among us" 'cause you're donating a kidney to your dad. George Lopez: I like that. Y'know Angie, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday. [daughter Carmen enters the kitchen in frustration] Carmen Lopez: Hahhhh. George Lopez: Carmen, it's okay, you're beautiful on the inside, they all don't hate you, you'll find something you're good at, there'll be other boys, you probably need some time alone, see you tomorrow morning honey. Carmen Lopez: Dad, I went to, like, fifteen stores at the mall. Nobody wants to give me a job. George Lopez: Since when are you looking for a job? Carmen Lopez: Well, I just got my learner's permit so I'm trying to save up for a car. George Lopez: My baby's growing up. [kisses her head] George Lopez: Seems like just yesterday you were my little girl on the tricycle. Now you're gonna be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on the tricycle. Carmen Lopez: Hey, I'm gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car. George Lopez: Y'know, look, if you really want a car that bad I could help you find a job. Carmen Lopez: Really? Where? Please tell me it's the record store, the clothing store. Oh my god, is it a receptionist at a male modeling agency? [mockingly] George Lopez: Well, I could make a phone call. Y'know after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts. [primping in a mirror] George Lopez: And Travis, so, owes me. Carmen: Dad. [her father in a primping zone] Carmen: Daaaad. George Lopez: Huh? Carmen Lopez: Where's the job? George Lopez: I'll talk to Mr. Carillo. Carmen Lopez: Mr. No! Not Mr. Carillo! I don't wanna work in some crappy dive folding burritos! George Lopez: Hey, I work there all through high school, okay. You'd be lucky to have a boss like Mr. Carillo. Carmen Lopez: What if one of my friends see me working there? George Lopez: Hey, it'd less embarrassing than being a senior and rollerskating to all the parties. Carmen Lopez: Okay, I'll do it. [when their daughter is late from school] George: Okay, I'm here. Have you found Carmen yet? Angie: No, And I'm worried sick. It's her first day at a new school, and she should've been home an hour ago. George: Come on, it's an hour. She's got no money. She's got no friends. She's probably walking around the mall crying. George: Carmen, we need to talk. Come on, let's go for a ride. Carmen: [suspiciously] Am I coming back? George: As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house. [having a father-daughter talk while driving] Carmen: Where are we going? George: I just want to talk. And the first thing I want to say is I should've punished Max a lot more than I did. Carmen: [sarcastically] Well, I should call the newspaper. "George Lopez Admits When He's Wrong." George: [murmur] Be the adult, be the adult. George: Ok look, maybe I went easier on Max because I know why he peeped. I was a boy. I get that. I don't get you anymore. I did when you were a little girl 'cause you were just like a little boy except you never got caught on your zipper. Carmen: Well, I'm not a little boy or a little girl anymore. I'd like a little privacy. And I'd like some respect. George: That's fair. Carmen: And I'd like my feelings listened to. George: Ooh, that's a tough one. Carmen: Why? George: Because everything's a crisis with you. There are no small problems. George: I'm on overload, Carmen. I mean, I thought teenagers were supposed to lock themselves in their rooms and never talk to their parents. I was kinda looking forward to that. Carmen: Well, I'm sorry I tell you all my problems. George: No, you shouldn't be. I have to get better at this. George: Look, I promise to start listening to your feelings if you promise not to have so MANY of them. Carmen: Deal. George: And don't ever think I love Max more than I love you. 'Cause that's not right. Carmen: [voice breaking] Okay. George: Why are you crying? Carmen: I'm happy. George: [voice breaking] I got you this cellphone to make up for everything. Stop crying. Carmen: [crying] Oh my god. It's a cellphone! (hugs George) [to the car beside him at the light] George: [crying] Hey, what are you looking at? We're feeling in here! George: Go, man! The light's green.