"Dead Ringers" (2002) 8.0

Fiona Bruce: Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel. Nick Ross: Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella. Kirsty Wark: I'm Kirsty Wark and welcome to Newsnight. I'm getting a bit up there but you still would, wouldn't you? George W. Bush: [addressing the US nation] My fellow Uma Thurmans... General: Mr. President, military intelligence advises... George W. Bush: I learned a long time ago not to rely on intelligence. Ozzy Osbourne: [a customer at a chemist wants some echinaecia] Here, she says she wants a bottle of "Euthanasia" or something... Obi-wan: I require passage to Aldershot. Kirsty Wark: Hello, I'm Kirsty Wark. You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, merry Christmas your arse, I pray god it's our last. More on that story later. Kirsty Wark: Hello, this is Kirsty Wark. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right, It's better than yours. More on that story later. Narrator: [singing about the brightly coloured blobs] We're just like the others at first sight / But we don't infringe copyright. / Otherwise auntie BBC's arse would get sued by the teletubbies. Frodo: Oh, wise Gandalf, where will my quest take me? Gandalf: Young Frodo, you must travel across the Misty Mountains, through the perilous forests of Fangorn, until at last you will set sight on Ithilien. Frodo: And when I get there, shall I find the One ring? Shall I bring it back to you? Gandalf: No, just get 20 Silk Cut and a box of matches. But don't tell Bilbo, he thinks I've quit. George W. Bush: [Bush has just imprisoned Big Bird in Camp X-Ray] How else can the american people know that the next terrorist attack will not come from Al-Qaeda, but will be brought to them by the Children's Television Workshop? God bless pancakes. Narrator: Bobo, are you a boy? [Bobo shakes his head] Narrator: Bobo, are you a girl? [Bobo shakes his head] Narrator: Are you totally asexual to make this show appealing to the lucrative middle-eastern markets? Thought so... <

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a name="qt0026876"> Greg Dyke: My name is Greg Dyke. And I, am director general of the BBC. Shut it, I am! Now, bring back "Doctor Who"? OK. But there won't be any daleks this time. No. They've crossed me once too often! George W. Bush: I have visited foreign land. Its name? Abroad. [Osama and Saddam are in bed, when Osama looks over at the book that Saddam is writing in] Osama Bin Laden: What you got there, little Sadd? Saddam Hussien: It's a fatwa, against Des O'Connor, what I wrote. Osama Bin Laden: A fatwa? Against Des O'Connor? Steady on, son, we're supposed to be unpopular in the West! BBC Announcer: You're watching BBC four. Quiet, isn't it? Tony Blair: Well, Kirsty, the new extension on the M25 will run straight through the BBC newsroom. Kirsty Wark: But Prime Minister, aren't you just being vindictive against the BBC? Tony Blair: Nope. Kirsty Wark: Then why are you kicking my leg under the table? Tony Blair: Didn't. Andrew Neil: Mr Blunkett, surely policemen carrying stun guns isn't a bit over-opressive? David Blunkett: Let me make myself perfectly clear. I am only in this Home Secretary game for the arse-kicking. Mark Lawson: Hello, you're watching Newsnight review. I'm Mark Lawson, Britain's brainiest potato. Kirsty Wark: Hello, you're watching Newsnight. Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later. Ozzy Osbourne: Christmas is a time for remembering. So that's me f [beep] Ozzy Osbourne: ed. Kirsty Wark: If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later. George W. Bush: My fellow umbrella stands. I know many of you will be astonisherated that the former Iraqer Defence Minister Sultan Akhmed, who surrendered in Mousehole on Friday, will not be charged with war crimes. But there is a very good reason why the CIA has granted Sultana Bran immunity from prostitution and that is because he has promised to lead us to Saddarm's weapons of mass destruction. What he has already told us about their location explains why we haven't found them. Turns out we've been looking in completely the wrong place. He says to find Saddarm's penguins of mass destruction my troops must first cross Jezaloor Gorge then press deep into the Fanghorn Forest. Beyonce that lies the Bridge of Kazad-dum and the fiery mount of McMordor where he says our quest will be at an end. Just as soon as we find this Gandalf guy, we're all set! Fiona Bruce: Hello, and welcome to celebrity Crimewatch, with me, Fiona Bruce. Rhhrrr! Hear me roar! Nick Ross: And I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak, it'd say Hello, I'm Nick Ross. Kirstie Allsopp: Welcome back to Location, Location, Location. I'm Kirstie Allsopp, tog value 14.5 Delia Smith: Hello, and welcome to my interminable cookery show. Obi-wan: [talking to a used car salesman] Yes, I know it's got six months' road-tax left, but will it take me to Alderaan? Kirsty Wark: He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later. Joan Blakewell: We have been granted an exclusive interview with God. That's right... God. Here. On the BBC. Up yours, Martin Bashir, we're the daddy now. Greg Dyke: My name is Greg Dyke, and I am Director General of the BBC. Bring back Chorlton and the Wheelies? Are you mad? Think of the Congestion Charge! Ozzy Osbourne: I look like Nigella Lawson with a f**king bad hangover Mark Lawson: Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, post-match-analysis for toffs, and the latest book to get the big-screen treatment is "The Cat in the Hat", starring Mike Myers. Germaine Greer, what did you think? Germaine Greer: I thought it was terrible, so boring and predictable, and that awful way they spoke - I mean, does anyone really speak like that? I went to the cinema and I hated it. Mark Lawson: Well, would you watch it on a train? Germaine Greer: I would not watch it on a train. Mark Lawson: Would you watch it on a plane? Germaine Greer: Not on a train, not on a plane. I would not watch it here, I would not watch it there, I would not watch it anywhere. George W. Bush: America kick butt. Last one to bomb Syria is a Frenchy. Sharon Osbourne: What's the matter, Ozzy? you haven't looked this depressed since you remembered you were from Birmingham. Delia Smith: Hello. I'm not going to be doing any of my cookery shows, as I've actually done every recipe that's existed in the world, ever. As I found out last week, when I tried to serve up wooden barrel shavings, on a bed of lightly flogged horse. [in an inset, "translating" a speech Tony Blair is giving] George W. Bush: America, good. Bad man oblidifried. George W. Bush:

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My fellow Invertabrates, this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship. Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well. As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program. A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region. And also because it's a program that has not once featured the Fonz. But be warned, King Kong. Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth. God Bless Pancakes.

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Mark Lawson: Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, a high-fibre diet in programme form. First tonight, a book by the Danish novelist Piers Van Hoostrung. Tom? Tom Paulin: I thought it was an astonishing novel, over 400 pages explore the notion of identity as glimpsed through the idealogical canope's of language itself. For me, it's one of the novels of the year. Mark Lawson: Uh, Germaine? Germaine Greer: Well, I was totally blown away by the distopian vision of the novel as a sort of trope for our own fragmented lives, and Mark Lawson: I'm sorry Germaine, I'll have to stop you there, because I've just heard in my earpeice that our last viewer has finally fallen asleep. Well done everyone. Kirsty Wark: [on how the P.M. makes vital decisions] What is the point of all this? Tony Blair: Nothing, really. It just passes the time until George starts another war! Fiona Bruce: David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss of during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing off! 4th Doctor Who: [talking about the New Doctor] He goes around with Billie Piper - a fine bit of skirt with a mouth you could lose a submarine in! Narrator: New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD all Alan Rickman fans can treasure forever. Yes, "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie in Hollywood films". Who can forget Alan's carefully honed performance in "Die Hard"? Alan Rickman: I'll get you, John McClane! Narrator: His unique interpretation of the Sheriff of Nottingham in "Robin Hood"? Alan Rickman: I'll get you, Robin of Sherwood! Narrator: And of course his towering performance in "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"? Alan Rickman: I'll get you, Harry Potter! Narrator: Also includes Alan Rickman confronting his agent the moment it dawned on him that he was now hopelessly typecast forever. Alan Rickman: I'll get you, you lousy agent! Narrator: Buy "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie" and get "Dame Judi Dench plays every woman over 40 in every British Film" completely free! Judi Dench: Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch. I'll get you, A.S. Byatt. Alan Rickman: This cardboard cut-out baddie role has to be mine. Steven Berkoff's washing his hair, Anthony Hopkins is sick, Christopher Lee's on holiday and Kenneth Branagh wasn't even told where the auditions were being held. David Dimbleby: