Undercover Brother: You mess with the 'fro, you got to go. Undercover Brother: Solid! [after killing three bodyguards with his bare hands in a temper tantrum] Lance: They shouldn't have called me a sissy. [Stoned, walking into The Man's communications room] Lance: This isn't Taco Bell! Oh, man... Undercover Brother: [Whispering] I see white people. [Knock on door] Mr. Feather: Who's there? Undercover Brother: Kung. Mr. Feather: Kung who? [Anton kicks down the door] Undercover Brother: Kung Fu! General Boutwell: Move over Colonel, here comes the General! The Chief: Today is a great day for black people of all races. Conspiracy Brother: George Washington Carver made the first computer! Out of a peanut! A PEA-NUT! Undercover Brother: Wait a minute, how'd the white boy get a job at "the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D."? The Chief: Shit, what can I say? Affirmative action. Lance: I *feel* Black. Conspiracy Brother: But you *look* white... don't touch me! Undercover Brother: Hi. Conspiracy Brother: "Hi"? What you mean "hi"? Like "high yellow wanna be white"? "High" like the *white man* wants to keep us? Wait, you don't smell any weed on me, do you? Undercover Brother: Brother, when you get a minute, could I get a list of the words that trigger these fits? Undercover Brother:
Honey, is that Michael Bolton's version of "The Thong Song"?
Undercover Brother: Are you telling me there really is a Man'? Conspiracy Brother: What do you think? Things don't just happen by accident! Sometimes people - mostly *white* people - make things happen! Undercover Brother: So the conspiracies we've believed for all these years are true? The NBA really did institute the three point shot to give white boys a chance? Conspiracy Brother: Of course! Undercover Brother: Then the entertainment industry really *is* out to get Spike Lee? Conspiracy Brother: Come on man! Even Cher's won an Oscar! Cher! Undercover Brother: Then O.J. really didn't do it? [Everyone looks away and mumbles] Undercover Brother: What it is, chief? The Chief: What the hell you doing bringing a white girl up in my house, boy? Penelope Snow: Once you've been with Undercover Brother, there is no other. [after "The Boss" leaves him to die for failing] Mr. Feather: Hey! Don't go dissing me! General Boutwell: I used to work at the Pentagon, but now I help get your chicken on. Sistah Girl: Great, a Soul Train reject, with a Robin Hood complex. The Chief: I'm tired of you disrespecting me! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your black-ass? Undercover Brother: Because I... don't... work for you? The Chief: SHUT UP! Save the smart comments for the chunky brother in the smock! Conspiracy Brother: No, it's once your black there's no turning back. Conspiracy Brother: Jesus Christ: black man. Babe Ruth: black man. Madonna:... slept with black men. Conspiracy Brother: Oh, shit! It's Macy Gray with Porkchop Sideburns. Conspiracy Brother: Smart brother? Am I gonna die? Conspiracy Brother: The computer, another idea stolen from the black man. Undercover Brother: You know what they say, behind every great black man... Conspiracy Brother: is the police. Undercover Brother: No. Smart Brother: A bunch of slow white athletes? Undercover Brother: No! White She-Devil: A cute butt. Undercover Brother: NO! Lance: Probable cause. Undercover Brother: You know what they say. Behind every black man...