Elle:
And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.
Elle:
The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.
Elle:
I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.
Vivian:
Nice outfit.
Elle:
Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.
Elle:
Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.
Boutique Saleswoman:
There's nothing I love better than a dumb blonde with Daddy's plastic.
Elle:
I'm reading about the LSAT's
Serena:
My cousin had that once. Apparently you get a really bad rash on your...
Elle:
I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.
C.U.L.A. Advisor:
Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.
Elle:
Okay.
C.U.L.A. Advisor:
And a heck of an admissions essay.
Elle:
Right.
C.U.L.A. Advisor:
And at least a 175 on your LSATs.
Elle:
I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.
Elle's Mother:
Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?
Elle:
Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.
Elle's Father:
Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
Brooke:
You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.
Elle:
Never!
Brooke:
I just liked to watch him change the filter.
Warner Huntington III:
If I want to be a Senator, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.
Elle:
Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.
Paulette:
Yeah, which must be a nice vacation for his balls.
Elle:
I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.
[someone whistles at her]
Elle:
I object.
Emmett:
I can't believe you just called me a butthead. I don't think anybody has called me a butthead since the 9th grade.
Elle:
Maybe not to your face.
Elle:
Excuse me.
[turns around and slaps David]
Elle:
Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.
David:
[pause] I'm sorry?
Elle:
Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?
David:
Both?
Elle:
Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.
Girl:
[after Elle has walked off] So, when did you wanna go out?
Elle:
Uh. I'm sorry. I just hallucinated.
Elle:
Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?
Warner Huntington III:
Uhh, ye... no
Elle:
Well this is so much better than that. Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.
Warner Huntington III:
Pooh bear, just get in the car.
Elle:
No.
[starts walking away, sniffling]
Warner Huntington III:
You're gonna ruin your shoes.
Elle:
Okay.
[gets in car]
Professor Callahan:
Do you think she woke up one morning and said: I think I'll go to law school today.
Warner Huntington III:
You got into Harvard Law?
Elle:
What? Like, it's hard?
Paulette:
Is she as pretty as you?
Elle:
She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking.
Elle:
Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.
Elle:
You're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde.
Paulette:
So what's a girl to do? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures. I'm a middle aged, high school drop out with stretch marks and a fat ass.
Elle:
This is what I need to become.
Old Lady at Manicurist:
What? Practically deformed?
Elle:
No, a law student.
Enrique Salvatore:
Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle:
These aren't last season!
[looks down, gasps, runs back into court room]
Elle:
He's gay! Enrique is gay!
Enrique Salvatore:
Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle:
They're last season?
[looks down and gasps]
Elle:
He's gay!
Elle:
Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidded to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?
Professor Stromwell:
If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.
Professor Callahan:
Let the blood bath begin.
Elle:
Bend and snap.
Maurice:
Oh, my God, the bend and snap works every time!
[Elle is presiding at her sorority meeting]
Elle:
It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".
Entire Sorority Group:
Aye.
Warner Huntington III:
How was your first class?
Elle:
Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.
Emmett:
Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?
Enrique Salvatore:
Yes.
Emmett:
Where?
Enrique Salvatore:
A restaurant in concord, where no one could recognize us.
Emmett:
How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
Enrique Salvatore:
Three months.
Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is...
Enrique Salvatore:
Chuck.
Emmett:
Right.
[Everyone gasps/laughs]
Enrique Salvatore:
Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.
Chuck:
YOU BITCH.
Elle:
All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.
Elle:
[to Emmett] So, if you don't know an answer they're just gonna kick you out.
Emmett:
So you have Stromwell, huh?
Elle:
27
Yes. Did she do that to you too?
fd4
Emmett:
No, but she did make me cry once... not in class I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah she'll kick you right in the balls, or wherever.
Elle:
Don't ask.
Emmett:
Wasn't gonna.
Margot:
Here, you're gonna need this.
Elle:
Your scrunchie?
Margot:
My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.
Serena:
You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.
Margot:
Yeah... Luckily!
[sees Elle in her Bunny costume]
Warner Huntington III:
Hey well don't you look like a walking felony.
Elle:
Thanks, you're so sweet.
Elle:
Warner, what kind of shoes are these?
Warner Huntington III:
Umm... black ones.
Serena:
Oh, look, there's Elle!
Serena:
Elle, we came to see your trial and look! There's like a judge and everything... and jury people.
Margot:
VOTE FOR ELLE!
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford:
Ladies, take a seat!
Paulette:
So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
Paulette:
[Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
Elle:
Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure.
Elle:
That's great, Paulette. Is that the only interaction you two have ever had?
Paulette:
No! Sometimes I say "okay" instead of "fine."
Warner Huntington III:
Excuse me, I'm sorry... are you here to see me?
Elle:
No, silly. I go here!
Elle:
Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?
Boutique Saleswoman:
Of course. It's one of a kind.
Elle:
It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.
Elle:
[from deleted scene] She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?
Elle:
I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood.
Professor Callahan:
Screw sisterhood! This is a murder investigation!
Paulette:
6f
[Paulette gets nervous talking to the UPS man and spills nail solution all over the table]
edb
Geez! Could I be any more goddamn spastic?
Elle:
For that matter, any masturbatory emissions could be termed reckless abandonment.
Professor Callahan:
You've just won your case.
Brooke:
Are you one of my lawyers?
Elle:
Sort of.
Brooke:
Well thank God one of you has a brain.
Brooke:
I would rather go to jail than lose my reputation.
Brooke:
I was getting
[whispers]
Brooke:
lipo
Elle:
What?
Brooke:
LIPOSUCTION!
Elle:
[after Warner asks her out after graduation] But if I'm going to have my own law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.