[a hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill] Nick Schaffer: What's this $110? Hotel Clerk: Those are your in-room movies. Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch any movies. Hotel Clerk: Okay, let's see... Afro Whores. Nick Schaffer: Afro Whores? Hotel Clerk: You watched it... let's see... uh, 11 times. Nick Schaffer: No, no, no... Hotel Clerk: Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4 o'clock. Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then switched back over to Afro Whores. Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record. Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir. Nick Schaffer: It... It's a delete. Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it? Nick Schaffer: None! I didn't watch it! Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters... Nick Schaffer: [screaming] I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it! I didn't. [hotel clerk raises her eyebrows] Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop? Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back. Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in. Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before. Lucy: [man's voice] Not necessarily. Vicki: So, what can I do for you, Harry? Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First... we both get naked. Vicki: So far so good. Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks. Vicki: What's that? Harold Grisham:
Naked... jacuzzi... Pepto-Bismol... toenails... shave my buttocks.
Vicki: Well, you have quite an imagination, Harry. Donald Sinclair: Go! [after Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail] Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go? Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door. Enrico Pollini: Look at us go! We're zooming! Zack Mallozzi: I told you! We're hauling ass! Enrico Pollini: We're hauling ass! All righty! Zack Mallozzi: Guess what I got back there. Enrico Pollini: You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass! Bev Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom! Randy Pear: All right, all right, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar. Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars. Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel. Enrico Pollini: I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name. Owen Templeton: No I wasn't. Enrico Pollini: No pun intended. Owen Templeton: What pun was that? Tracy Faucet: So what's wrong with her? Nick Schaffer: Who? Tracy Faucet: Your sister. You said it was serious. Nick Schaffer: Oh yeah... shark bite. Tracy Faucet: Shark bite? Nick Schaffer: Yeah. Tracy Faucet: And they took her to Silver City? Nick Schaffer: Yeah, they have a really good shark attack unit there. Blaine Cody: Why don't 'oo [you] Blaine Cody: do it? Duane Cody: Because, Einstein, one of us has to be the victim, one of us has to be the witness. What kind of a witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying. Vera Baker: We're not crazy, lady! We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel. Merrill: Which is why we stole the rocket car. The Squirrel Lady: They should have bought a squirrel. Randy Pear: Jason, where did you get that? Jason Pear: I found it under the seat. Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that. Jason Pear: Why not? Randy Pear:
Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.