Ira Kane: If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be? Harry Block: Lingerie. Ira Kane: Not you, the bird. Harry Block: Lingerie. Ira Kane: Give me back my friend, you big sphincter! [Dr. Paulson is going to pull the alien bug out through Harry's rectum] Nurse Tate: I'll get the lubricant... Dr. Paulson: No time for lubricant! Harry Block: There's ALWAYS time for lubricant! Ira Kane: Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College. Harry Block: Harry Block, United States Geological Survey. Wayne Grey: Wayne Grey. I took some chemistry in high school. [the heroes just killed a dinosaur-like creature] Ira Kane: So, what do you want? Light meat, or dark? Harry Block: You have to ask? Harry Block: So, do they give the Nobel Prize out in yearly payments or is it just one lump sum, like the lottery? Ira Kane: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Harry Block: Oh, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I've very concerned about the potential tax consequences. [an alien bug is crawling inside Block's leg] Dr. Allison Reed: What are you gonna do? Dr. Paulson: We might have to amputate. Harry Block: Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg. Ira Kane: Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete. Nurse Tate: Doctor, look! Dr. Paulson: It's headed for his testicles. Harry Block: Take it! Take it! Take the leg! Wayne Grey: [as they arm themselves in the sporting goods store] You ever use one of these things before? Harry Block: Just 'cause I'm a schoolteacher, that don't make me a pussy. Ira Kane: Ladies, ladies, there's a terrifying alien bird menacing the mall. Can we focus?
: [after an alien fly is pulled out of Harry's rectum] You should have seen the size of that thing you had inside you, it was like this! [measures with his hands] Ira Kane: You took it like a man. Harry Block: Great googa-mooga! Wayne Grey: [trying to get the alien's attention with an open mike] Ka Ka! Tukki Tukki! Harry Block: Wayne, I think we've established that "Ka Ka" and "Tukki Tukki" don't work. Wayne Grey: Right. Sorry. [He starts singing into the mike] Wayne Grey: You are so beautiful, to me... Ira Kane: Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him. Harry Block: Uh-uh, stand down! I'm taking this one out myself. Wayne Grey: Can't you see... Harry Block: Wayne, would you please stop, because you are embarrasing me. [Wayne starts singing louder and directly to Harry] Harry Block: Testing, testing, one, two, one-one-one-two... this is D.J. Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius... Ira Kane: Harry, would you stop it? I can hear you. Harry Block: Don't you snap at me, unless you want an angry solid gold dancer on your hands, Ira. Ira Kane: You wouldn't understand. Dr. Allison Reed: No, how could I? I'm just a humorless ice maiden in desperate need of a good humping. Ira Kane: Oh... you heard that, huh? Dr. Allison Reed: Loud and clear. [after an alien bug crawls into his body] Harry Block: For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out of me! Nadine: I really need these credits to get into nursing school. Harry Block: Nursing school? Don't you think you'd be happier in a different profession, one where people's lives were NOT dependent on you? Dr. Allison Reed: I would've rocked your world. Ira Kane: You already have. [Harry has just had an alien removed rectally] Dr. Allison Reed: It's over, it's over. You did great! Do you need anything? Can we get you anything? Harry Block: Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream please. Dr. Allison Reed: Okay, what flavor? Harry Block: It doesn't matter. It's for my ass. Harry Block: Shouldn't we call the government to help us out on this? Ira Kane: Absolutely not! I know those people. Harry Block: Liar Liar Pants On Fire!