Judith: Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges! Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist. Judith: That's right. Wayne: I'm in a related field. Judith: Really? What is it? Wayne: Pest and rodent removal. Judith: How is that related? Wayne: We both help people. Wayne: Dude! J.D.: Dude! Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door? J.D.: I'm eatin'. Wayne: So? J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'. Wayne: Since when? J.D.: Since always. Wayne: I never knew that. J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay. Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me? J.D.: I got three balls. Wayne: Shut up! God! J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude! Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend? J.D.: Yes... No! Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man? J.D.: Which man? Judith: Any man! J.D.: You mean like a tall man? Judith: Sure, whatever! J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me! Judith: What about a short man? J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets! Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all? J.D.: Does that include celebrities? Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman? Wayne: Uhh yeah, yeah we snuffed that broad just like ya said Coach Norton: Good, how'd ya do it? Wayne: We um... J.D.: Ate her... Coach Norton: You ate her? Wayne: Yea, we ate her J.D.: Alive Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you, you boys are smart, that's the perfect crime. J.D.: Comingtoyaaaahaaaa Wayne: Our enemy is wicked, so...
: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger. Wayne: Damien. J.D.: Dude, she's Vader. Wayne: No! She's the Emperor. J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits. Wayne: Ok, now Sandy, that girl, she's a real nice girl. J.D.: Ah, yeah. Wayne: She's a sweetheart. J.D.: Dude, a saint. Wayne: A goddess. J.D.: A princess. Wayne: No what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa. J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits. J.D.: Die, replacement-friends! Wayne: Eat this, Fake Wayne! Darren: I love you too, Judith. Sandy: Judith? J.D.: Do you want anything to drink? Judith: Scotch on the rocks J.D.: Do you want ice with that? Coach Norton: When are you going to get hitched there, son? J.D.: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY. Coach Norton: Oh... me too! J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like, [making obscene gestures with his hands] J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha! Wayne: Dude, mime's don't talk. J.D.: They do when they're off duty. Judith: It took balls. Big balls. Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples. Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls. Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work. [after Sandy has left with Wayne and J.D] Mother Superior: Damn! Lost another one! Nun: Son of a bitch. J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember? Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall... J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body? Sandy: Um... J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong? Sandy: No, JD, I really... J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks. Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused.