Detective Alex Tardio: Come on boys, pull daddy like a chariot. Berger: This is straight out of a Hitchcock movie. I think I'm feeling vertigo. Kevin Caffrey: Hold your head up, 'cause you got that double-chin thing going on. Max Fairbanks: Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Max Fairbanks: Nobody talks to me that way! NOBODY! Gloria: I do! Max Fairbanks: That turns me on! Kevin Caffrey: Can I get a "ouch, that hurts"? Kevin Caffrey: I am full of de facto, habeas corpus, and Emancipation Proclamation. Most important, I have a very big pro bono. Uncle Jack: If he's cursing on TV, then, he's tight. Tracey Kimberly: Massaging you is like kneading dough. And as for the sex, let me be honest. It's like sleeping with a damp sheep! Amber Bellhaven: Very hip. Very cool. Very Vegas in the sixties. Berger: [as sheik] He says with that price, camel can dance up pyramid. It loses in translation. Lutetia Fairbanks: Max, you may be a butthole, but you're my butthole. Max Fairbanks: I robbed a thief! How can you not see the humor in that? Gloria: Tread a level course. Max Fairbanks: What did the Boston Times call me? Gloria: The Dark Prince of Plunder. Judge: Sell the house! Max Fairbanks: Up yours, you fat pig! Edwina:
Why is it that every time Kevin's in trouble, we drop our things, but when I want help, you act like you're through a tunnel and can't hear me?
Windham: Maybe because I *like* Kevin! Max Fairbanks: Total stranger. Très bizarre. Lutetia Fairbanks: Scandal and disease, Max. Shelly Nix: [when asked if he can find Max] Piece of cake. It's no harder than shutting down AOL for an hour. Not that I'd have any interest. Berger: It kills me. The leave the light on trick. Kevin Caffrey: Why don't they just put a sign saying welcome burglers no one home? Berger: You ever read the papers? Kevin Caffrey: I used to, but the news kept changing. [watching as Max makes a fool of himself on TV] Uncle Jack: Now this is entertainment!