Jackie:
I know gay men. I practically invented them.
Jackie:
I'm calling from a pay phone because I can't get my piece of sh*t cell phone to work unless I stand on my head with my fingers up my ass!
[during a game of Pyramid with Jackie and Bret]
Eli Wyckoff:
The ex-football player who allegedly killed his wife.
Tom:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Allegedly? What are you, nuts?
Jackie:
Oh my god, Eli was stalking you? That is so romantic.
[last lines]
Tom:
And the thing about Rhett Butler...
Eli Wyckoff:
Yeah?
Tom:
He wasn't very fuzzy. Was he?
[discussing the bad dates Brett's set Eli up on]
Brett Miles Sanford:
Look I know it didn't go all so, you know, that well last time with... Richard, was it?
Eli Wyckoff:
Rita! From UPS. She was a woman!
Brett Miles Sanford:
Whatever, she was still gay. That's your problem, you're so picky.
[discussing Eli's bad date with Tom the previous night]
Eli Wyckoff:
He kept saying, "You do the math," even when it made no sense sense. What a turn-off.
Brett Miles Sanford:
What's the turn-on? According to your mother you haven't had a hard-on since she first took you to see THE NUTCRACKER at the Jewish Community Center in first grade.
Eli Wyckoff:
Stop talking to my mother about my sex life.
Brett Miles Sanford:
What sex life?
Eli Wyckoff:
I have one!
Brett Miles Sanford:
Uh huh, right.
[makes jerking off motions]
Eli Wyckoff:
Ok, y'know, it counts. I spent 10 years learning which buttons to push, now I just have to look at myself and I cum.
Brett Miles Sanford:
Eww.
[Eli's mother has just left an embarrasing message on his machine that Tom overheard]
Eli Wyckoff:
Oh my God, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now and hope to God that I can overdose on Tums, or Maalox, or pine-scented Glade.