[Max is almost run over leaving a French Supermarket with a trolley full of alcohol] Max: Hey. Le Beer. Le Dickhead. Watch it son. [a group of students are causing trouble in the club] Brian Potter: Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren't welcome. All of you leave. Stu: I'm not going till I get a refund. Brian Potter: Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up. Stu: I want my money back. Brian Potter: I want to moonwalk son, but life's a shithouse. Out. [Repeated Line] Brian Potter: I don't know whether you've noticed but I'm disabled. [Max is trying to purchase a watch from Armchair Superstore] Max: Hello... I'd like to order the divers watch... the divers watch love... the one with the light... I don't know love... I can swim. [Dougie Hayes has delivered a giant inflatable penis] Dodgy Eric: Well what do you think? Brian Potter: It's not a bouncy castle. Dodgy Eric: You never said a castle. Brian Potter: I said I wanted an inflatable. Dodgy Eric: It is an inflatable. Brian Potter: Inflatable filth. [talking about the inflatable Penis] Jerry St Clair: We're not having that. Brian Potter: You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back. Dodgy Eric: But Brian... Brian Potter: It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length. [discussing what to do with an Giant Inflatable Penis] Young Kenny: Can't we disguise it? Brian Potter: Yeah we can, we'll put a wool hat on it and say it's you. Dodgy Eric: It's not what it looks Brian. Brian Potter: Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening. [Max produces a package] Paddy: Have you done us a packed lunch? Max<
/b>: Have I. [Opens package to reveal a gun] Paddy: What on earth is that? Max: That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser. Paddy: I'm not using that... Max: Why, what's wrong with it? Paddy: It's an antique that's what it is. Max: Hey. It's not an antique. There's nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad's. He shot a German with this. Paddy: Was that in the Second World War? Max: No, it were in Benidorme. He had a row over a sun lounger. [receiving a prank telephone call] Brian Potter: Sick. Animals. Laughing at death, half past three in the bloody morning. Brian Potter: I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come. Les: Build what? Brian Potter: A new Phoenix. Jerry St Clair: Here we go again. Brian Potter: Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we'll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food. Jerry St Clair: Food eh? Brian Potter: But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread... Max: Garlic bread? Brian Potter: Garlic bread, that's right Max. Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it. Brian Potter: What's the matter with you, man? Jerry St Clair: What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns. Brian Potter: Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet? Jerry St Clair: ...and what made you apply for this job? Spencer: The DSS. Jerry St Clair: And why do you think I should give it to you? Spencer: Because it will be the DSS paying me wages and it won't cost you a penny. Jerry St Clair: Really? Spencer: Yeah. Jerry St Clair: When can you start? Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer lad. 'Crimetime' Presenter: Police probe Leeds girl's snatch. Can you help? [Brian has been told over the phone that the club has burnt down and someone was inside] Max: All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth? Brian Potter: False teeth? How the pissin' hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth? [laughing on other end of phone] Brian Potter: Who is this?
[realizing it's a prank]
Brian Potter: I know who ya are, who are ya? Brian Potter: We've got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together. Brian Potter: It just came to me in a dream, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos. Brian Potter: There is a horse in my cabaret suite. Brian Potter: I want to speak to the organist, not the monkey grinder. Jerry St Clair: [discovering the Captain dead] He's dead, Brian. Brian Potter: Oh, my God! He can't be dead! Who's going to do the door? Who's going to do the door? Brian Potter: [finding the dead body of the Captain] Put him in the Pennine Suite. Jerry St Clair: Why? Brian Potter: Why? Because in here's murder. Next door's natural causes. Dodgy Eric: [about the Bucking Bronco] I'll give you a week's free trial while I get your table fixed, then she's got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf. Brian Potter: Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take "das fruit machine" back with you. Brian Potter: Hey, toilet-mouth! There's a child's bike outside! Brian Potter: Don't talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive! Les: An' we all know why that is don't we? Too much "Trumpet Polishin'"