Cheryl: [on Jim's behavior] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass. Cheryl: Jim, are you listening to yourself? Jim: Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time! Jim: Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich? Dana: I don't think that'll help, Jim. Jim: [pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...? Dana: [to Cheryl] You're cake angry. You didn't sound cake angry on the phone. Dana: [to Cheryl] If your gonna cry for anyone, cry for me. I'm the one who's gonna have to babysit a fourth kid for free one day. Gracie: Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys. Jim: OK, I stucked the cat in the freezer. Andy: [telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K! Jim: [confused] ... You want to have sex with a clock? Dana: [trying to distract their mother] Mom, I, uh... I kissed a girl in college! Andy: Uh... me too! Maggie: Andy, don't tell stories. Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches! Cheryl: [Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman? Jim: [brief pause] You or me? Jim: [under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say. Jim: You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex. Cheryl: Why? Jim: Why not? Ruby: Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles? Jim: How does that work? Ruby: She's our sister, we're part of her posse. Kyle: I want a sponge bath, from a nurse. Cheryl: What? Kyle: Uncle Andy says there the best! Jim: I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.
Dana: [whilst dancing with Andy] Wow, Andy, it's like someone connected your legs to your brain. Cheryl: Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it. Jim: What? I take you to the zoo. Andy: I once walked in on my grandparents doing it. I mean, Grandpa's in his 70's, but he was really putting Nana through her paces. Gracie: How do you knock someone up? Cheryl: Well, you know how you knock someone down. Well, it's the opposite of that. Gracie: [to Ruby] Hey, let's go knock Kyle up! Dana: I'm trying my best to stay neutral, like Switzerland Cheryl: You mean creepy Switzerland that hid nazi money? Dana: No, I mean fun Switzerland with the watches, and the chocolate