Eddie Izzard: Good evening Wembley! The largest Wembley venue they've got - 'cause the other one's got a wheelbarrow in it. Jeremy Hardy: There's a sign outside here saying "do you want to sponsor this roundabout?". It's a roundabout, it's not going to do a bungee jump for multiple sclerosis, is it? Nina Wadia: God dammit guys. Bombay is the restaurant capital of the world, right? So how come every Friday night we end up in this dump? Sanjeev Bhaskar: Because that's what you do, innit? You go out, get tanked up on Lassies and you go for an English. Richard Blackwood: And no, it's not a camera trick, no special effects. I am the only black person in the fucking show. Richard Blackwood: I read, I don't know if this is true or not, I read that the Queen Mum is getting air jabs. And the reason they're giving her these air jabs in her arse or her back or wherever they put them is that it will help her to have a long life. No disrespect but the woman is 100 years old. If you're 100 years old, that means that when you was a kid and the phone would ring, that shit would scare you. Phill Jupitus: Big mistake, I bought the Blair Witch Project the other day. Am I alone in thinking this is the biggest piece of shit ever committed to celluloid? Dave Nice: Good evening Cardiff! Khulvinder Ghir: [to an English waiter] Who asked you, eh? Clive of India! Jeremy Hardy: You're very kind to an old tart in the twighlight of his years. Eddie Izzard: [to a crew member who is moving a speaker from the front of the stage to the side] Oh no, leave it there. It's quite nice there. Oh yeah, that's better. Oh, I see. You're giving me space so my feet can be seen. Yeah, that's [pause] Eddie Izzard: a big part of comedy. Jeremy Hardy: The Countryside Alliance are interesting people, one of the good things about foot and mouth is they can't fucking move without walking in Dettol. They're just fucked. It's good. Because normally they would be marching into London with no respect for our urban ways. Jeremy Hardy: The police attack people and people forgive the police, people say 'well, it is a difficult job'. Of course it's a difficult job. Jobs are difficult. After all, they're just normal people. Police are not normal people. Who do you know who rides a horse round a shopping centre? Frank: Oi! Izzard! No! Eddie Izzard:
Taxidermy. It's definitely vocational. You can accidentally fall into taxidermy, you know, working at a chip shop and suddenly think 'I've got to stuff owls with sand'. Get as much sand into a rat as possible, the whole Ghobi desert. It's just a sand thing, nothing else. There's no 'I've done your dog with porridge. I know it's unusual, but you can move him about, see? Lean. Lie flat, just squash him down. Roll up. And I've done your cat with helium. You can tie him to your car and drive around'.
Sean Lock: Had a real shock on Tuesday. My parents found out I was gay, which was news to me. Just went round for tea with my girlfriend. Phill Jupitus: I'm in a bit of a shitty mood, because I'm a dad right, yes, someone has fucked me sir. I've got a bit of a situation at home, my eldest daughter brought a boy home for the first time. And I think it's safe to say I reacted rather badly. She said, "Hello Dad, this is Billy." I said, "Billy? Billy is it?" and I went up to this person and said, "If you so much as fucking touch her I'll cut you." This Billy started crying. Still that's seven year olds for you. Mike Smash: Nicey, you un-PC pilchard! Jonathan Ross: Chris Evans was going to be here but unfortunately his schedule clashes with this because at about this time of night he's reading Billie her bedtime story. Harry Hill: Nice to see one or two bald men in the audience. Tell me, was it the same for you? You just noticed it was taking longer and longer to wash your face? Eddie Izzard: Skipping. Huge fucking boxers and very small girls are the only two social groups in the world who do skipping. Eddie Izzard: Matthew Kelly cannot be with us tonight, he has exploded. Eddie Izzard: Star Trek. You know, the original one? Phasers? Yeah, liked it. But they had two settings: stun and kill and that's about it. Now they had a lot of technology, they could have had a few more settings I think. Loss of memory setting would have been good - loss of memory, loss of short term memory, the crew were very casual, you know, as the enemy attacked [enemy] Eddie Izzard: 'aaaaah... what are we doing here?'. Um, bit of a cough setting. Ice cream van nearby [enemy] Eddie Izzard: 'ooh! two choc ices - you want one? So three choc ices and two 99s please' and I think my favourite was oven left on at home setting [enemy] Eddie Izzard: 'oh fuck!'. Eddie Izzard: Beekeeping. You know when you're a kid and a bee comes round, your dad's like, "stand still," that's so the bee can come up and really get you. I think running around's better 'cause then they have a difficult job, but no apparently 'stand there' and wasps are just crap, they have a wasp's nest, they go in there, I don't know what they do, they just don't do anything, they're just like, "let's go out and sting someone," it seems. Jonathan Ross: [reading out apologies] There's a telegram from Geri Halliwell: "Sorry I can't be with you. I smelled some soup on the way there and have to spend the rest of the week working it off at the gym." Eddie Izzard:
And swimming's another one. I remember weird bits of shit like diving to pick up a brick from the bottom of a pool. As you so often need to... And I got my bronze survival award, I could survive in bronzy type way. Not in a silver or gold way, no just in a bronzy type way which is when you get out there and you're like 'are you drowning? Well, so am I now. The shore's over there so let's, no I can't pull you or then I'll drown and I'm only bronze'. I don't know what silver was, maybe they come out with a tray 'want a drink', gold they put you in a fucking speedboat. But my favourite part is when you're drowning in your pyjamas. Whip 'em off, tie knots in the end and make yourself your own personal life raft, and who goes on holiday in their pyjamas?