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Hesh:
Hesh wants some sex!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hesh! Get off! My tape's playing!
Hesh:
Shut up. Debbie, get down here... give Hesh some sex.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hesh, this isn't funny.
Hesh:
You'll be real funny when I crack you with a pipe.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Okay, I'm coming down there.
Hesh:
Shut up.
Debbie DuPree:
Well now... Hesh
Hesh:
Shut up!
Debbie DuPree:
Um, okay... why do you think you would make a good father?
Hesh:
Um... gimme a second... uh... sex.
Marco:
Calm down, I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy.
Captain Murphy:
It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes, with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. But the secret ingredient is love. Damn it.
Marco:
Just try to calm down, go have some pudding.
Captain Murphy:
Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
Captain Murphy:
Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Man, how'd you feel if everyone went around calling you "White" Stormy?
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
[Gasps] You mean there's a BLACK Stormy?
[Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots]
Captain Murphy:
Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?
Sparks:
Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.
Captain Murphy:
Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
I am a cyborg. My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century. So, using my I.Q. of 260 - that's 2-6-0 - I built a cybernetic body, and became this bastard child of science that you see before you. I'm not asking for your pity, and I don't want your apologies. All I want is your understanding and acceptance. I'm asking for your friendshi -
[Sealab explodes]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?
Sparks:
Selling pot.
[pause]
Sparks:
...Holders.
[pause]
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Sparks
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:
...Made of hemp.
Bebop Cola Machine:
[singing like Louie Armstrong] And I think to myself, I need exact change.
Marco:
Once again, your stupidity has killed us!
Marco:
When I wear blue, I am like the wind. A hot LATIN wind!
Marco:
I call this the "LATINATOR"!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
That shockwave created a subspace fracture.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Take that, subspace!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Shut up.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
No.
[Multiple Quinns and Stormys are caught in a subspace loop]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hey Quinns, check it out! We built a time machine! Stormy Two is gonna' go back in time, and, uh, fix it all... up, there. Fix it...
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
You don't have the brain capacity to build a time machine.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
You're right. So I guess it's not so much a time machine... as it is a dodge ball connon! Say hello to my little friend...
[the dodge ball cannon knocks all of the Quinns off of the screen]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Eat it! Eat it! Get some! Get some!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Debbie DuPree:
Humans! You have a human brain.
Sparks:
But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Marco:
We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Captain Murphy:
Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Debbie DuPree:
Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?
Marco:
That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
Captain Murphy:
There goes my nipples again!
Captain Murphy:
Quiet, fignuts!
Old Gus:
The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years frozen in carbonite!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!
Captain Murphy:
My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Captain Murphy:
Under Martian law doctors and other wizards are forbidden!
[the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots]
Marco:
I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?
Sparks:
Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Captain Murphy:
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fe3
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Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
Debbie DuPree:
[laughs] No we won't.
Captain Murphy:
Maybe YOU won't!
Marco:
Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!
Captain Murphy:
I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!
Sparks:
Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.
Marco:
What kind of benefits are we talking about here? Hypothetically.
Sparks:
Uhh, you gotta check with henchman resources on that, it's not my department. But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit. Oh yeah, and metal teeth.
[Marco imagines himself with helmet jumpsuit and metal teeth]
Marco:
That helmet makes me look like Ralph, you know, the motorcycle mouse.
Sparks:
How about a beret?
Marco:
Yeah, I can do a beret.
Sparks:
You're lucky. A lot of guys can't.
Captain Murphy:
It's time for the "I Hate Marco Show!"
Radio Singers:
I hate Marco, hate Marco, hate Marco, and his mailbox head!
Captain Murphy:
Go ahead caller, tell me why you hate Marco.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hi, Howlin' Mad: long time listener, first time caller. The reason I hate Marco is... he's a mailbox head?
Captain Murphy:
Oh yeah, real original. Sit on it, Potsie!
Debbie DuPree:
Are you the dying, kid?
Griff:
I, uh... I, um...
Debbie DuPree:
You stutter, too? Could you have worse luck? Oh well, at least you won't have to deal with it in high school.
Marco:
You know, you throw a pretty good punch, Captain.
Captain Murphy:
Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighborhood when I was a kid.
Marco:
Your dad got you boxing lessons?
Captain Murphy:
No, I just got beat up a lot. So now when I get the chance I like to sucker punch people.
Sparks:
Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip. It's like, remember the Caine Mutiny?
Captain Murphy:
Caine Mutiny? I love Michael Caine. "Goodnight you princes of SeaLab, you kings of the ocean. People are always asking me, 'Whats it all about, Alfred?'"
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Oh my God! Giant squid! Giant squid!
Frenchman:
Ah yes, loligo giganticus, with a razor sharp that can tear steel as easily as I tear a croissant. But at heart, he is a peaceful giant.
Captain Murphy:
Consider yourself zinged!
[Suspecting that a "sick" child has the bubonic plague]
Captain Murphy:
I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!
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2d
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Captain Murphy
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:
Save it for Queen Doppelpoppolus!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
I said it's dodgeball time, bitch.
Sparks:
Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Debbie DuPree:
Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.
Marco:
No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!
Captain Murphy:
Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!
Captain Murphy:
It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!
Captain Murphy:
What you Scrooges need is some eggnog! Plenty'a liquor and nutmeg!
Scuba Diver:
Haha! No fish can withstand the might of my powerful spear gun, so capably wielded!
[Almost directly taken from Apocalypse Now]
Captain Murphy:
Did they say why they want to terminate my command?
Marco:
They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Captain Murphy:
Are my methods unsound?
Marco:
I don't see any method at all, sir.
Captain Murphy:
Are you an assassin?
Marco:
I'm a soldier.
Captain Murphy:
You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. SO WET WILLIE FOR YOU!
Captain Murphy:
Lady, unless you got a baby up your skirt, tell your story walkin'.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hey, little dying guy! You like swimming?
Griff:
Afraid not, sir. My incredibly rare disease makes it far too dangerous...
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
That's great! 'Cause we're gonna be doing lots of swimming!
[Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew]
Sparks:
So how's the lava bath treating you?
Captain Murphy:
Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.
Sparks:
Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy:
How about you?
Sparks:
Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.
Captain Murphy:
Ass full of red hot coals...
Sparks:
Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy:
Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks:
Right to the rim, baby.
Captain Murphy:
You lucky bastard.
Sparks:
Yeah.
Sparks:
How can you worship that guy? He killed a man!
Captain Murphy:
Hey, only for revenge. "Vengeance is mine," quoth Alvis. Then he shot that guy right in the freaking face!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Cast off this taint, and become taintless!
[Hesh is forced to be a caddy for Captain Murphy]
Hesh:
Golf sucks. Hesh wants to go to the Nineteenth Hole. Hesh wants jalapeno poppers. Hesh wants poppers.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Why do you think they call me Dr. Quinn?
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Um, I thought it was just a nickname. Y'know like Dr. Dre..."Eastsiiiide!"
Captain Murphy:
[helium voice] Heelllooo... My name is Mr. Squeaky.
Hesh:
I'm gonna pull your legs off!
Captain Murphy:
Turns out they're... uh...
Bizarro Crew:
BIIIZZZAARROOOOOO!
Captain Murphy:
[quiet/resigned] Man, I hate the Bizarros.
[Suggesting they eat Debbie's child]
Sparks:
Like veal... only babies.
Debbie} WHAT?:
WHAT?
Sparks:
And I'm talkin' real baby-back ribs...
[the Sealab crew are trapped in the utility closet and Murphy has badly beaten the technician "Beard Guy" and he's just woken up]
Beard Guy:
Ugh... my face...
Marco:
Oh, you're awake! Excellent.
Beard Guy:
[badly disoriented] When old guy hit me...
Marco:
Fix away!
Beard Guy:
...I think I got my think a concussion.
Marco:
Waitin' on you!
Beard Guy:
...now... cause remember I can't fix stuff?
Debbie DuPree:
Oh, great! Now what do we do?
Beard Guy:
I gotta lay down back... 'cause our concussion had me sleepy.
[Beard Guy drops to his knees and collapses onto the floor]
Marco:
...can't fix it laying down, baby.
Captain Murphy:
There can be only NONE!
Captain Murphy:
Oh Alvis! We were gonna have a festival for you, with ham and pomp!
Alvis:
Believer, you have forgotten the true meaning of Alvis Day. Neither is it ham, nor pomp. Nay, the true meaning of Alvis day is drinking. Drinking and revenge.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
How can you afford it?
Sparks:
Selling pot.
[pause]
Sparks:
That's it. Just pot.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
I am Stormy, SMOKER OF BITCHES!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Looks like we're all missing something.
Captain Murphy:
That's the whole point. We don't know whose throat to slit?
Sparks:
What?
Captain Murphy:
What do you mean, what? There a throat that needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!
Captain Murphy:
Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!
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Sparks
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:
Um, I think its martial law.
Captain Murphy:
Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?
Sparks:
Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...
Captain Murphy:
That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.
Captain Murphy:
I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass. Be a hitter, babe.
Sparks:
And there goes Pod Six.
Debbie DuPree:
God, it so depressing.
Captain Murphy:
What? Pod Six was jerks!
Captain Murphy:
Alvis was the holiest man ever to slap iron! He killed for your sins!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Most religions think Alvis' love of liquor and guns and revenge was...
Debbie DuPree:
Creepy.
Captain Murphy:
Well, maybe most religions can hash it out in hell for all eternity.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Alvis'll smoke those bitches.
Alvis:
Now drink with me deeply of the bourbon, scotch, and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk. Then we shall find, and beat the asses of, the nonbelievers who ruined my feast.
Captain Murphy:
Do you want the moustache on, or off?
Debbie DuPree:
Off, please.
Captain Murphy:
Too bad.
Captain Murphy:
Punch it, ho-bag!
Master Loo:
[to Debbie] You are a complete dirty whore.
Griff:
[he and Olly have found Brock trapped] Well, well, if it isn't Brock. I haven't seen you since that nasty business in Pidgeon Falls.
Brock:
Griff! You've gotta help me! My leg's trapped!
Griff:
Just a moment, I'm drinking in the irony of it all... okay.
Griff:
Well, whatever you do, don't use that explosive-tipped speargun over there
[points]
Griff:
to shoot those rocks up there
[points]
Ollie:
Splendid idea! Splendid!
Brock:
No! I said don't!
Griff:
Well Brock, got any... final requests?
[chuckles]
Brock:
Uh... don't kill me?
Griff:
[laughs] ... No.
[swims over to Ollie]
Griff:
Put him out of my misery!
[Ollie fires, crushing Brock as he begs for mercy]
Ollie:
Ah, Brock, we hardly knew you, ya dead bastard!
Hesh:
[playing with a stuffed bear and giraffe] "Noooo! We can't! It's forbidden!" Come on! Hump her! Make a bearaffe!... or a giraffeabear.
Sparks:
All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
Beck Bristow:
[talking about working on the set of 'OZ']
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Funny story about that... see... one time I was filming this scene where this guy was raping me...
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fc5
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Debbie DuPree:
Ummm... how exactly is this story funny?
Beck Bristow:
Oh, I forgot to say he was wearing a clown suit at the time.
Sparks:
Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
[concerning the gloops overrunning the station] Marco, are you in or out?
Marco:
Man... I'm torn between my love of gloops and my love of killing
[the gloop in his hand farts]
Marco:
... OK! Let's grease 'em!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
T.V. God, I want porno bloopers!
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks:
I just got one thing to say; you dont like me... fine. Go watch anie-may.
Robot Security Gaurd:
[quickly] Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub my robot ass.
Marco:
[sung to the tune of Jingle Bells] Dolphin meat! Dolphin meat! Nature's greatest treat! Oh what fun, it is to eat That damn, damn dolphin meat!
[seeing a child tourist wearing a Wisconsin cheese-head hat]
Captain Murphy:
That boy's head is made of cheese!
Sparks:
Uh, I think it's just a hat, sir.
Captain Murphy:
Well, still...
Sparks:
Still WHAT?
Master Loo:
See the way my body's glowing? Yeah. A lot of people can't do that.
[Murphy is finishing a joke]
Captain Murphy:
...and so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?"
[Murphy laughs]
Master Loo:
Yeah. Wow, sexist *and* racist. Two in one. You have a gift.
Sparks:
Debbie, I have something for you.
Debbie DuPree:
Oh yeah? What?
Sparks:
A book.
Debbie DuPree:
What's the book?
Sparks:
"A Modest Proposal".
Debbie DuPree:
Who's it by?
Sparks:
Jonathan Swift.
Debbie DuPree:
And what's the book about?
[pause]
Sparks:
Eating babies.
[Murphy thinks Griff has the bubonic plague]
Griff:
There's a bit of a chill in here, don't you think?
Captain Murphy:
That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
Sparks:
Don't expect any mercy during the great robot wars.
Marco:
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I have the strength of a bear that has the strength of *two* bears!
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Marco:
Stormy, get ahold of yourself! Now, use your pincer and grab the squid's tentacle.
Captain Murphy:
Oh, yeah, and tell him to cough.
Marco:
I said *tentacle*!
[Quinn and Stormy are fighting a squid for Murphy's toy oven]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
It just wants the oven! If we give it the oven...
Captain Murphy:
No! Absolutely not! You are expendable. That oven is not!
Sparks:
How many times do I have to hear the word "womb" today?
[while on the phone trying to buy golf balls]
Captain Murphy:
Look, all I want is some sweet, new balls.
Operator:
Excuse me?
Captain Murphy:
Aww, clean your ears out, woman! I want some BALLS!
Captain Murphy:
Now, you people find that oven, or die trying. You hear that, Stormy? DIE.
Hesh:
[rapping] You're one year older / One year wiser / Rock 'n' roll star, king, czar, and a kaiser / A room full of friends / A mouth full of cake / Every present is for you, and it feels pretty great / You're the man of the hour, the V.I.P. / You get the first slice of the P-I-E / So blow out your candles and make a wish / Put a smile on, 'cuz it's your birthday, bitch!
[talking to a scorpion while trapped beneath a vending machine]
Captain Murphy:
What's that? You laid your brood of eggs in my navel? That's wonderful! Ben, we're gonna be mommies!
[Murphy wants to put his brain into a robot body]
Captain Murphy:
I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years. Even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.
[Debbie runs past in her underwear, screaming]
Debbie DuPree:
I am a fertile goddess and I must have a baby!
Marco:
So, uh, how you been?
Debbie Love:
[flirtatiously] Actually, I've been a little under the weather.
Marco:
Sounds like you need a shot of "Vitamin M".
Debbie Love:
You know, I think I might.
Marco:
It's a pretty big needle.
Debbie Love:
I get it. Come on in, honey.
Marco:
This doctor makes house calls.
Debbie Love:
[irritably] I GET it!
Marco:
Oh, you GONNA get it!
Debbie Love:
[impatiently] Would you just get in here?
Marco:
Oh, I'm gonna get in there!
Debbie Love:
[exasperated] All right, already!
Debbie DuPree:
Do you want to end up like the Bosnians?
Sharco:
What?
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Captain of FCC Search and Destroy Vessel
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:
[holding up a magazine with his picture on the cover] Hey, does this make me look fat?
Captain's Son:
No.
[pauses]
Captain's Son:
But your ass does.
Captain's Son:
[laughs loudly] Your ass!
[laugh trails off]
Captain's Son:
I'll go swab the deck.
Captain Murphy:
Marco! Hey, buddy, you wanna... I don't know, hang out or play a game?
Marco:
I'm a little busy here, sir. Trying to keep a trillion-dollar research station running smoothly.
Captain Murphy:
Ooh, fun. I'll be the mommy.
Captain Murphy:
This is Chopper Dave's made-for-TV movie: Blades of Vengeance. See, he's a helicopter pilot by day, but by night he fights crime... as a werewolf.
[Murphy has sent the crew to salvage treasure from a wrecked ship]
Captain Murphy:
No pirates, they're paranoid! They've probably got the gold hidden in their butts! Bust open a few skeletons.
Marco:
We're not messing with those nasty old skeletons.
[pause]
Captain Murphy:
You're an ass.
[speaking on a bullhorn while riding in the "Murph-mobile"]
Captain Murphy:
Attention all personnel: the black death is here. The great pestilence is finally upon us. Repent! Repent!
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks:
Now, are you in? Or does miniature John Wilkes Booth shoot you in the face about a billion more times?
Debbie DuPree:
So... it must be fascinating to be a big Hollywood movie star.
Beck Bristow:
You know what's fascinating? Hot, nasty sex with Hollywood actor Beck Bristow.
Debbie DuPree:
[seductively] Are you... propositioning me?
Beck Bristow:
No. Merely stating a fact.
[Quinn and Bizarro Debbie are having sex]
Bizarro Quinn:
[to Debbie] You wanna make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge, okay? Mmmmm. Delicious.
Debbie DuPree:
Get off of me, you disgusting little monster!
Bizarro Quinn:
You likey, likey, likey, likey, likey, likey!
Debbie DuPree:
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Bizarro Quinn:
Bizarro! You can do it! You can do it in there! Just put it... put it in my pants!
Debbie DuPree:
Oh, no!
Captain Murphy:
That's it, resist his charms.
[Murphy has just prevented Quinn from taking a vacation]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
No way! You ain't doing this!
Captain Murphy:
I need you here in case Holo Gram gets sucked back into the spirit world.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
I have plane tickets! A hotel!
Captain Murphy:
Look, what's done is done. There's no reasoning with me.
Debbie DuPree:
I wouldn't have guessed he was Jewish.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
He also knows karate!
Captain Murphy:
Well, as long as the baby doesn't touch my stash.
Debbie DuPree:
Your what?
Captain Murphy:
...Heh, heh, moustache!
Captain Murphy:
Screw it! We've got bigger problems than a butter shortage.
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