"Ed" (2000) 5.9

Ed Stevens: I am a lawyer, I own a bowling alley. Two separate things. Ed Stevens: The fact of the matter is you can't live without me. Carol Vessey: What? Ed Stevens: That's right you could move away to Guam, Borneo, Harrisberg Pennsylvania, god knows where, the truth is you'll be making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville. You know why? [Carol shakes her head] Ed Stevens: Capital "E" lower case "d"! Phil Stubbs: Shave my poodle! [Ed is throwing waffles on Carol's roof after she broke up with Nick because she couldn't throw HIM a waffle] Ed Stevens: Hi! Carol Vessey: I don't think I can handle you being adorable right now. Ed Stevens: Sorry, I can't turn that off. [Ed compliments Shirley's "S" on the Stuckeybowl wall] Ed Stevens: It's very good Shirley. Shirley Pifko: Are you coming on to me? Carol Vessey: My one chance at something vaguely resembling happiness, and you destroyed it. Ed Stevens: What? Carol Vessey: You ruined my wedding, and... and you made me lose Dennis. Ed Stevens: How could I have ruined your wedding? I wasn't even there. Carol Vessey: Of course you were there. You're always there. Because no matter what I try to do Ed Stevens is always there. Ed Stevens: I... I don't know... I don't know what you're so upset about. Carol Vessey: Ed, do you want to know why Dennis walked out of the wedding? Ed Stevens: Why? Carol Vessey: I'll tell you why. I'll... I'll tell you why! Because he thought I was looking around the church for you. He thought I was looking for Ed Stevens. Ed Stevens: Were you? Carol Vessey: Yeah. Yeah, I was. Ed Stevens: Why Carol? Carol Vessey: Because you never stop. It's been this way ever since you came back to Stuckeyville. You didn't even know me. Ed, you did not even know me, and yet you made it your life's work to just, to wear me down. It's like, it's like you crawled into my skull, and you found a nice, comfy little place to rest, and you refuse to leave. No matter what I said, no matter what I did, you just never stopped coming after me. You, you just never stopped! Ed Stevens:

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You never wanted me to stop! And you wanted me to stop. It's true Carol. I did all these things. I dressed up as a knight. I sang. I danced. I threw waffles at your bedroom window. I hired a skywriter. I got up on a horse named Crazy Jimmy, and you loved it. You loved it. And you hated it. Because you didn't think you deserved it. And you know what Carol? You were right. What, what are you doing?

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Carol Vessey: I don't know. I don't know. Ed Stevens: Carol, look at me. I'm dying. I gotta get off this ride. Warren Cheswick: What's zeroing down? Donna Tozzi: What? Warren Cheswick: You know instead of what's going down... What's zeroing... never mind. [Ed shows up at the high school in a suit of armor to give Carol flowers] Warren Cheswick: This sucks! I was up all night carving Jello! [At Stuckeybowl] Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you yell "I love kitties" at the top of your lungs. Ed Stevens: I LOVE KITTIES! [everyone stares] [Ed show up to the prom in a light blue tux with a yellow ruffled shirt underneath] Carol Vessey: Hello my Powder blue friend. [In a duck suit] Ed Stevens: Quack quack. That's all I got... beer's over there. Mike Burton: These crazy Belgian bastards know how to live! Phil Stubbs: Hey! You like sex? Come to the Festival of Ducks! [Ed is preparing Thanksgiving dinner] Mike Burton: I've got my money on grease fire. [Ed just bought a bowling alley after Carol kissed him] Molly Hudson: You're lucky you didn't sleep with him. He would have bought a strip mall. Molly Hudson: I just thought I'd spice it up a bit. I mean, why say 'Hello' when you can say 'Hellooooooooo'? Mike Burton: Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy? Mike Burton: I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees. Nancy Burton: Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month? Mike Burton: Medically speaking, you have a brain the size of a marble. Mike Burton: Ed, Lewis and Clark had a journal. You, my friend, have a diary. Shirley Pifko: Bendy straws make drinking more pleasurable. Ed Stevens: We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingoes engaged in a complex mating dance. Warren Cheswick: Ok, like, we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda. For the love of God! No one can! Mike Burton: I disagree, Dr. Jerome. Dr. Walter Jerome: You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin! Ed Stevens: In the criminal justice system, Bonnie Hane's day is divided into two separate yet equally important parts: prosecuting offenders, and having lunch. This... is her story. Ed Stevens: I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say, bombed Belgium? Mike Burton: Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head! Ed Stevens: You don't see that every day. Phil Stubbs: Oh man, I am so drunk! I drank too much alcohol! You can call me Mr. McDrunko! Ed Stevens: It says here you went to Tufts University. Kenny Sandusky: It's in Massachusetts. Ed Stevens: I know... you graduated with a 3.7? And then you went to nursing school. Kenny, you're a nurse? Kenny Sandusky: Pediatric nurse. Ed Stevens: Why do you work in a bowling alley? Kenny Sandusky: Life is a journey. Dr. Walter Jerome: What a marvelous piece of craftsmanship! Whoever forged this diploma must really take pride in his work. I mean, it looks just like the real thing! Carol Vessey: Mr. Calculus Teacher Man is in the hay-ouse! Carol Vessey: I can never decide if you're totally adorable or totally creepy. Warren Cheswick: What about that time you busted into our class wearing that fruity-ass knight suit? Judge: Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney? Ed Stevens: Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing myself in this matter. Judge: Haven't you heard the saying, "He who represents himself has a fool for a client?" Ed Stevens: Yes sir, I have, and I tried my best to convince me not to hire me to represent myself, but I simply refused to listen to me. Ed Stevens: Ten bucks if you call Reverend Carver "Padre". Nancy Burton: I've always wondered where that phrase came from - speak of the devil. Ed Stevens: Well, according to ancient legend, if you said the devil's name three times... he would appear. Mike Burton: According to ancient legend? Dude, you got that from "Beetlejuice". Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you touch that guy's bald spot. Ed Stevens: 'Tis a beautiful night. Carol Vessey: 'Tis indeed. Ed Stevens: Way to pick up on the 'tis! [Warren is talking with friends about the possibility of asking out Jessica Martel when he bumps into his girlfriend] Donna Tozzi: What's so exciting? Mark Vanacore: Uh... they're making Superman into a movie. Donna Tozzi: Didn't they already do that? Mark Vanacore: No. Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you order your meal in rhyme. Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you go over to that guy and ask him where the lettuce is... only, you don't say lettuce. Ed Stevens: What do I say? Mike Burton: Letoos. Ed Stevens: A relationship like ours can't work; things buried deep down are bound to come to the surface and destroy us. It's like building on an ancient burial ground. Mike Burton: Hey, ten bucks... Ed Stevens: I'm not really in the mood. Mike Burton: No, you're gonna like this one, it's conceptual. Ed Stevens: ...Okay. Mike Burton: Ten bucks... if you give me ten bucks. Ed Stevens: I said some things I shouldn't have. Carol Vessey: Well, sometimes that's how friends get closer. Phil Stubbs: I never liked kids. They're like small drunk adults. Mike Burton: I'll give you six bucks to hug the giant chicken. Ed Stevens: Six bucks? As you know the traditional wager is ten bucks. Mike Burton: But I've only got six. Ed Stevens: Forget it!... Wait. I'll give you ten bucks to hug the giant chicken. Shirley Pifko: [On her lost Mexican jumping bean] Please let me know if you see it. It looks like a regular bean, but every so often it bounces in a rather disappointing way. Warren Cheswick: [his anti-SAT rallying cry] Pencils DOWN! Mike Burton: Can't talk. Eating fried pie. Experiencing nirvana. Mark Vanacore: Down is up, left is right, and Logic is on a ski vacation with his buddy Reason! Molly Hudson: Mr. Nowell, your son is a geek. He's smart and he's witty and he's sensitive. All rare and wonderful qualities to have, but when you're 15 they get you duct taped to a locker. [To Ed] Eli Cartwright Goggins III: You kill me with that surprised look on your face after you leave Phil here all day by himself. [Dr. Jerome has hired another young doctor to compete with Mike] Mike Burton: Dr. Jerome, what's going on? Dr. Walter Jerome:

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Many things, Dr. Burton, many things. The universe is expanding, the art of cinema is dying, and my daughter Melissa is marrying a Moroccan. The man wears a fez.