"My Family" (2000) 5.9

Susan: I have decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives. Michael: You're going to kill dad? Michael: I hate you. Ben: No, that's my line. Susan: [to Ben, after her mother leaves the house] Don't even think about locking that door! Ben: Locking it? I was thinking of bricking it up! Susan: My mum's like a horror movie. If we all don't stick together, she'll pick us off one at a time. Nick: Good evening. I believe you require my services. [gives Abi his card] Abi: [reading his card] "Nick Harper, Swimwear Model"? Nick: No, turn it over. Abi: [turns card over] "Nick Harper, Exorcist"? Nick: That's right. Ben: [to Abi] You, you're unhinged! [to Michael] Ben: You, you're demented! [to Nick] Ben: You... you're just you! [to Ben] Michael: Sometimes you're treating me like I'm you. Susan: Remember the goldfish? Nick: It was an accident. Susan: Nick. You put Alka-Seltzer in his bowl. Nick: I thought he'd like a jacuzzi. Susan: A day in which nothing is accomplished is a day wasted. Ben: Why do you always make this my fault? Susan: Experience. Ben: I promise on my children's lives. Susan: So either way you win. [repeated line] Ben: Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! [about Susan's mother] Ben: What did Batwoman want? Roger:

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You'll kill me one of these days.

ffb

Ben: That's the plan. Ben: I've got one rule. Never sleep with crazy people without marriage. Ben: I assure you, I said nothing wrong. All I said was, "Hi there, I'm Michael's Dad, what's that game about?' And that was all. Michael: [From inside the kitchen] And his flies were open the whole time. Michael: Nick, I gave you money for a film. Nick: I know. I rented Stuart Little 2. I love that talking mouse. Michael: I meant go to a film. Ben: Nick, I don't know whether you are genuinely insane or just winding me up. But I'm tired, I'm stressed and I'm fighting for one third of the duvet. I've got three things to say to you - shut up, shut up and shut up. Michael: The fact is, now that Mum's "hands-off", it's like there's two Bens, and one of you has to go. Ben: What? Michael: You're expendable. Ben: Erm, I'm what... expendable? Michael: You see? That's another thing. You're very slow on the uptake. Ben: Michael, are you firing me? Michael: Very, very slow. Ben: I don't believe this. You can't fire me. I quit years ago. Michael: Sorry about the dish crisis, Nick. Nick: What do you mean? Michael: Never mind. I just want Mum to learn her lesson. Nick: How to live with a pig? I taught that years ago. Susan: There's no time for that. I've hired you a costume for tonight. Ben: I am not wearing a costume. Susan: Oh, but it's a really, really good one. Ben: It'd better be a warm one, 'cos when I put it on, it'll be a cold day in hell. Ben: Old dentists don't retire, Susan. They just recede like rotting gums. Ben: What are you doing? Susan: Choosing some wool. Ben: Good. What for? Susan: I'm making a cardigan for Janey's baby. Ben: Oh, good. Hang on, you can't knit. Susan: Are you saying I'll make a bad grandmother? Ben: No, I'm saying you'll make a bad cardigan. Ben: How did a day of TLC suddenly turn into a weekend of DIY? Susan: PMT. Ben: Why is it no one in this family wants to be with me? Susan: I want to be with you. Ben: You're my wife. You've no choice. Ben: Nick, you really do have the morals of a convent educated dingo. Nick: Thanks, Dad. Ben: Wait. Maybe I am dead and nothing I do affects the physical world. Susan: That explains Thursday night. Ben: I wasn't dead then, Susan. I was just tired. Susan: Whatever. Susan: What are you gonna do with that? Nick: [Holding a hammer] Break into my piggy bank. Susan: How conventional. From you, I'd expected a ski mask and a getaway car. Abi: [Moodily] Hello, Judith. Ben: Firstly, it's "Judas' and secondly, I'm not betraying anyone. Ben: This is not a family. It's... it's a cheese nightmare. Teacher: You have a rather nihilistic view of love. Ben: That's because I'm married. Susan: Don't you understand that our marriage is based on a lie? Ben: How dare you say that. Our marriage is based on many lies. Abi: Thanks, Ben. You've been saying really nice things lately... Actually they're the same things but without the sarcasm. Michael: If I was smart, I'd have run away with the circus already. Susan: And the plastic lobster is still there - not that I've seen it before... Ben: [pulling Abi's arm] I'm desperate! Roger: [pulling Abi's other arm; shouting] Then buy a magazine! Nick: I've decided to dedicate my body to science. Ben: Great. When's the autopsy? Susan: I was tidying Michael's room and I found this [coughs] Susan: his desk. Ben: Was that [coughs] Ben: on his desk or [coughs] Ben: in his desk? Susan: Is there a difference? Ben: In a court of law, yes. One's invasion of privacy the other's being sneaky. Susan: Well, what you call sneaky I call being a parent. Nick: Hey, look! They've got washing powder here, only it's called "Fairy"! [laughs] Nick: Those crazy guys! Susan: Nick, we have Fairy in England.

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Nick