Based on the real-life dysfunctional family of comedy in Christopher Titus, the show deals with his character, his brother, and their friend...更多>
Christopher Titus: In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. Christopher Titus: My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. Christopher Titus: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. Christopher Titus: Dad can score new tail in three minutes. Juanita Titus: [yelling at Ken in a bar] I want a divorce! Ken Titus: [turning to the woman sitting next to him] Hi. Ken Titus: Tommy, this is Clyde. He knows how to squeeze a ball! Christopher Titus: I was raised by Ken Titus. I can see BS through eight miles of led enforced concrete through a blizzard and... hey, where are you going? [repeated line] Erin Fitzpatrick: Hey you! Erin Fitzpatrick: Hey! Car drive not work me, everything think that solves you? Christopher Titus: Something from me hiding you are? Christopher Titus: Dad, you know, she can't work in a place like that. You should've done something. Ken Titus: All right, how much? Christopher Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell outta there. Ken Titus: Numbnuts. How much money do you want to keep her from working there? Christopher Titus: Numbnuts? Ken Titus: Erin is not gonna work in that bar. I don't wanna have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Ken Titus: Three grand? Christopher Titus: What? Ken Titus: Five grand? Christopher Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But, my girlfriend makes you self-consious about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of a sudden you're willing to fork over five grand. Well you know something Dad? I'll take it! [Titus ruins Erin's therapy session when he finds out she used him] Erin Fitzpatrick: [seeing his family] Hey, I didn't know they were watching, I thought it was just my class! Christopher Titus: Oh, so it's all right to gut me emotionally in front of strangers, huh? Erin Fitzpatrick:
Oh my God... but we had a breakthrough, and you still trust me, right?
Christopher Titus: Yeah - hope you get an A... [He leaves] Erin Fitzpatrick: Christopher...! Dave Titus: Erin, there's glass - don't hurt your feet! [Cut to black-and-white screen] Christopher Titus: No one's really happy. And until therapists realize that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a necessary part of existence, the sooner they will realise that their use is COMPLETELY WORTHLESS! No - they have WORTH DEFICIT DISORDER! [Switches off the bulb] [Erin and Titus are seeing a therapist, while the rest of the family is watching them, hidden by a one-way glass panel. Erin has finally gotten Titus to confess he trusts her] Christopher Titus: [crying] You're right, I do trust you, I do! Ken Titus: Wussy! Erin Fitzpatrick: It's OK, Christopher, it's OK, we trust each other now, and it's all OK. Christopher Titus: Come on, let's make out on the shrink's desk! [Everybody rushes for the panel for a better look... ] Christopher Titus: Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy. [flashback] Ken Titus: I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning! Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory! Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, what's gay? Ken Titus: Son... gay... is when, two men... make God cry! [Tommy is delivering a baby after everybody refuses to do so] Tommy Shafter: Oh yeah, you can all talk, but when push comes to shove, who's the man, huh? [He looks at the woman, and passes out. His head falls on the woman's thighs. Everybody stares] Ken Titus: Tommy's head in a woman's crotch. I never thought I'd see that. Christopher Titus: Yeah, he's right. Dave, take a picture. [Later, when Tommy comes around... ] Tommy Shafter: [groggy] Hey Titus, I had the strangest dream... I dreamt I was stuffing a turkey and I passed out with my hands inside it... [a hung-over Ken comes around in a houseboat decorated for Christmas... ] Ken Titus: Crap, I died and went to a Mexican restaurant! [Titus is encased in a block of ice - the result of trying to teach Dave independence and self-reliance... ] Christopher Titus: The truth HURTS. [Mumbles unintelligible sentences and an expletive that was deleted] Christopher Titus: DAVE! Christopher Titus:
Dad, I'm not going to Vegas. I have a great woman at home who takes her clothes off.