Evil Queen: I hope you like dogs, Wendell. You're going to spend the rest of your life as one. Evil Queen: I've turned Prince Wendell into a dog. Wolf: Good idea. Wolf: [singing] A shepherdess makes quite a mess, but little lambs are lovely. Wolf: No, no! "Rare" implies dangerously cooked. When I say rare I mean just let it look at the oven in terror, then bring it out to me. Burly: Suck an elf! Virginia: I've gone crazy. How can I be talking to a dog? Prince Wendell: Bark! Bark! Virginia: Yes, I have. Don't try and reassure me. Wolf: Doc, I met this terrific girl and I really really really like her. But, the thing is... Dr. Horowitz: Well, go on, say it. Say it! Wolf: I'm not sure whether I wanna love her or eat her. Burly: This could be a long torture session. Virginia: I'll tell you anything you want to know. Burly: Torture first, then you talk. It's better that way. Rush a torture, ruin a torture. Wolf: Don't worry, I'm not who I used to be. I've had extensive therapy. I realize I have been using food as a substitute for love and I have the books to prove it - "Breaking the Cycle", "Heal Yourself in 7 Days", "Stop Blaming Yourself, Please", and "Help for the Bedwetting Child", which I picked up by mistake. Wolf: I get the feeling you still don't completely trust me. Virginia: I don't trust you at all! You tried to eat my Grandmother. Virginia: I'm gonna die of long hair! Wolf: Forgive us, noble woodsman, but have you seen a gorgeous girl with very long hair? Woodsman: I haven't seen anything, I'm blind. Tony: A blind woodsman? Woodsman: Have you ever seen a tree move?
: I've always wanted to say this. Love of my life, let down your lustrous locks. Tony: [about Virginia] I need to know if your intentions are honorable. Wolf: No, not really. Virginia: Well, at least things can't get any worse. Prince Wendell: Happy ever after didn't last as long as we'd hoped. Prince Wendell: This has been a test of kinghood, and I have failed dismally. Evil Queen: Is there something you wanted to get off your chest? Prince Wendell: I refuse to be a man. I won't do it any longer. I insist on being a dog. Prince Wendell: I demand to be a happy puppy! Virginia: I have a hard time trusting people. I just never wanna jump unless I'm sure somebody's gonna catch me. Wolf: Oh, I'll catch you. And if I miss for any reason, I'll sit by your bedside and nurse you back to health. Gustav the Magic Mirror: An answer only will I chime, when questions put are asked in rhyme. Dwarf Librarian: All early mirrors talk in verse. Tony: Yes, of course. Virginia: Our mirror's smashed, what can we do? Where the hell are the other two? Gustav the Magic Mirror: Mirror one shattered be, by an oaf named Antony. Mirror two is on a bed with barnacles upon its head. Tony: A bed... with barnacles. Virginia: The sea bed! Dwarf Librarian: Yes. One fell into the Great Northern Sea. I think you can safely discount that one. Gustav the Magic Mirror: What you seek has not been seen, since it was stolen by the Queen. Tony: The Queen! That's all we need. Prince Wendell: Antony, uh, any chance of a little biscut? Tony: No, no, no, um... [sputtering] Tony: Very helpful you have been, just tell us where we can find the Queen. Gustav the Magic Mirror: Near she is, but not alone. In a place that is not her home. In a castle, out of sight, where once the Queen was called Snow White. Tony: That's Prince Wendell's castle. Virginia: For seven men she gave her life. For one good man she was his wife. Beneath the ice by Snow White Falls, there lies the fairest of them all. Snow White: Hello, Virginia. You look tired. Virginia: Are you dead? Snow White: Well, yes. I think you'd have to say so. I'm more into the fairy-godmother, occasional-appearance sorta thing now. Snow White:
You're cold. You're cold, Virginia. How did you become so cold? You are still lost in the forest. But lonely, lost girls like us can rescue themselves. You are standing on the edge of greatness.
Snow White: This mirror will show you what you do and do not want to see. Snow White: You many ask for one wish, and I will try and grant it. But be sure to ask for the right thing. Virginia: Okay, I wish... I wish that Dad's bad luck was over. Oh! And that his back wasn't broken anymore. Snow White: Strictly speaking, that's two wishes, but it's done. Wolf: I picked up your trail a few days ago. Virginia: But how? We went through a mountain. Wolf: Virginia, I could follow your scent across time itself. Virginia: I really do like you. I like you a lot. And, I never - I never wanna hurt you. I think I love you. Prince Wendell: And now, for the greatest bravery imaginable. For courage in face of relentless and terrible danger, I award my dear friends the highest medals in my Kingdom. Firstly, my temporary manservant, Antony. My people, look upon my friend. No longer is he spineless and wallowing in self pity. Tony: Thanks. Prince Wendell: No longer is he a balding useless coward who would rather run than fight. Tony: I think they got the message. Prince Wendell: No longer is he selfishly driven by envy and greed. Tony: Wendell, the medal. Prince Wendell: No. He is heroically transformed. What braver man could exist? Antony the Valiant. Wolf: You are as safe as a brick-built pig house. Singing Ring: [singing] You cannot win her / You cannot choose her / You are just a hopeless loser! Prince Wendell: [Sniffing a box the Queen has brought to the carriage] Is this breakfast? Evil Queen: Not unless you enjoy Troll Head. [after a mass poisoning] Evil Queen: Anyone for seconds? [pauses to look around] Evil Queen: No? Huntsman: I know your destiny. You'll ask a question, and die before it's answered. Old Elf: Who are you? Union Leader: Ignorance is no excuse. Snow White: Why did I let her in? Didn't I know she was bad? I did. Of course I did. But I also knew that I couldn't keep the door closed all my life just because it was dangerous. Just because there was a chance I might get hurt. Wolf: You don't trust nobody. Virginia: I don't trust you, no. Wolf: Well, you may not get hurt, but huff puff, you won't get loved either.
: Butter would not melt in my mouth. Well, it would melt. Of course it would melt, but very slowly. Prince Wendell: And what is your plan now, Antony? Tony: Get drunk. Restaurant Owner: I am the greatest chef in the Nine Kingdoms! Folks travel hundreds of miles just to eat my food! Wolf: Yeah, well my date's from a different dimension, so don't slip up. Gypsy Queen: Stretch it, twist it, make it grow. Like a river, make it flow. Make it pull and pinch and tweak. Make it grow 'til she grows weak. Make her moan and scream and cry. Make her wish that she would die. Tony: What is it with you people? What kind of twisted upbringing did you have? You know, why can't you just say; 'Oh, that'll be 100 gold coins.' Why does it always have to be, 'No! Not unless you lay a magic egg, or count the hairs on that giant's ass!' ["Saturday Night Fever" plays] Blue Bell: They are called 'The Brothers Gibb'. Blabberwort: And the song: it concerns a deadly fever that only strikes on Saturdays. [why he's in jail] Acorn: Aggravated assault. I'm very easily aggravated. Acorn: If you get stabbed... save the knife for me, won't ya? [reading gravestone] Tony: Here lies Ivan The Optimist. Tony: All right, all right. Wait, wait, wait! I have a question! What is the point in having a door that has a horrible death behind it? Huh? [picks up frog] Frog: Get your hands off me! Tony: What does that achieve? Frog: What are you doing? Tony: What is the purpose of your life? Just to be a pain? Frog: Don't touch me there, only my girlfriend touches me there! [Tony throws the frog through one of the doors] Frog: WHOA! [Tony slams the door, there's a large explosion and fireball] Wolf: I guess it's the other one. Governor of Prison: What in the fairying forest do you think you're doing? Wolf: But you don't understand, I won't be here next week! Dr. Horowitz: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, you're not going to intimidate me with suicide threats. Wolf: [singing the bacon song] Baste it! Roast it! Toast it! Nibble it! Chew it! Bite right through it! Wobble it! Gobble it! Wrap it 'round a couple of chickens and I am *ravenous*! Wolf: I give you my solemn wolf word. Wolf: Wolfies just PRETEND to do naughty things. Sally Peep:
If my door wasn't locked, I'd be scared you'd come into my house and huff and puff and blow all my clothes off!
Wolf: Where do you live, Sally? Wolf: [catching scent of Wendell in a crowded restaurant] I smell dog! Tony: It's no use, the man is a complete idiot. Village Idiot: If only. Now my father, he was a *complete* idiot. I'm still a half-wit. Wolf: We either live happily ever after or we get killed by horrible curses. Tony: That's not funny! Wolf: It can get funnier if we keep on doing it. Singing Ring: [singing] There's no doubt / and there's no maybe / the three of us are having a baby. Yippee! Singing Ring: There's no doubt and there's no maybe / The three of us are having a baby! Singing Ring: How I long to linger / On your sweethearts finger! Dr. Horowitz: Now I'm going to give you a word, and I want you to say the first word that comes into your mind. Wolf: Oh, a game. Dr. Horowitz: Here we go. Home? Wolf: Cooking. Dr. Horowitz: Coward. Wolf: Chicken. Dr. Horowitz: Wedding. Wolf: Cake. Dr. Horowitz: Dead. Wolf: Meat. Dr. Horowitz: Sensual. Wolf: Ooh, appetite. Dr. Horowitz: Love. Wolf: To eat anything fluffy! Ah, sorry, sorry, more than one word. Start again? [running into the Village Idiot] Tony: Do we have magnets in our pockets? How do we attract people like this? Virginia: You haven't seen my father walking around anywhere here, have you? Oh, he might have been singing "Whiter Shade of Pale". Christine Lewis: Once upon a time, there was a lovely, little girl who lived on the edge of the forest. Her mummy told her never to go into the forest, but do you know what she did? Virginia: No. Christine Lewis: Yes, you do. She went into the forest and she met a monster. And then she died. And everyone forgot about her, and we all lived happily ever after. Tony: Well, it's "slice the fruitcake" time again. Virginia: I don't intend to have any children, thank you very much. Wolf: Well, it's a little bit late for that. Virginia: What do you mean? Wolf:
You got a little wolf cub growing inside of you! A little furry chap, just like me, only much smaller. Believe me. I'm a wolf. I know these things.
Virginia: Really? Wolf: I just know. Virginia: You come an inch closer and I swear I'll shout my head off. Wolf: Oooh... that is what is known as an empty threat. Virginia: [voice over] My name is Virginia... And I live on the edge of the forest. Tony: Alright, Mr. I-don't-have-to-look-but-I-can-chop-wood, your name is Rumpelstiltskin. Woodsman: No. Tony: I said, "Rumpelstiltskin". Wolf: [Frustrated and scared] That's not his name! Woodsman: Guess again. Tony: Oh, ah, Rumpelstiltskin Junior? [Wolf sighs and shakes his head] Tony: Rumpelstiltskin the Fourth? Woodsman: No. Tony: Does it have a Rumpel in it? Prince Wendell: Antony, I know this is highly irregular, but, would you mind giving me a cuddle, please?