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Lois:
I just found out your family has a little nickname for me.
Hal:
What is it?
Lois:
"Lois Common Denominator."
Lois:
They have a special program for gifted children. They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't wanna waste on normal kids.
Malcolm:
I did the math once; it turns out, every 4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.
Malcolm:
Mom: 62, Kids:
Malcolm:
This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I'd only see half.
[We see Reese's nose]
Malcolm:
And this is my brother Reese's left nostril. It squeaks... all night long.
[We see Dewey's feet]
Malcolm:
And these are the feet of our little brother Dewey.
[We see a picture of Francis]
Malcolm:
This is my favorite bother, Francis. So naturally, my parents sent him off to military school.
[We see Malcolm]
Malcolm:
My name is Malcolm. You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.
Lois:
There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.
Malcolm:
Huh?
Hal:
Dewey, what did I tell you about raw meat?
Dewey:
[mouth full of raw meat] I'm not.
Francis:
Okay, I'm going to show you guys the coolest thing you have even seen. Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey's stuffed animals, the furrier the better.
Lois:
Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.
Commandant Spangler:
Ahh, passive resistance. The last resort for slackers and sissies.
Francis:
What about Ghandi?
Commandant Spangler:
Sissy.
Malcolm:
Why are you so happy?
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Dewey
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:
Gorak gave me one of his Babies.
Reese:
Oh Malcolm, you should see this, Francis is kicking ass.
Malcolm:
What happened to this book?
Reese:
I threw it at a duck.
Malcolm:
Okay, so where's your math book?
Reese:
Which half?
Malcolm:
Let's just start with Geography.
Reese:
I don't TAKE Geography.
Malcolm:
Yeah you do, you got a grade in it.
Reese:
Oh, that can't be good.
Reese's History Teacher:
I don't see why you would sacrifice the good son for, well, Reese.
Lois:
You don't think I would give this one up? Let me tell you something. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat for Reese. Sure, he might have to go to Blue Collar or something, but he'll do fine. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Reese's History Teacher:
Nobody could be that cruel to their own son.
[Francis appears in the window]
Francis:
Mom, please let me come home. I'm cold and I'm hungry. Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house. I'll do anything, Mom, just please let me be warm again.
Dewey:
Is Malcolm a robot?
Dabney:
If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher.
Hal:
One man's garbage is another man's anniversary present.
[Malcolm is playing the video game "The Sims" with his family]
Malcolm:
Why am I five hundred pounds?
Lois:
God, they're just boobs, lady. What's your problem?
Reese:
What am I thinking?
Malcolm:
I'm smart, not psychic.
Dewey:
Can you understand dogs?
Malcolm:
No.
Dewey:
[smiles] I can.
Lois:
[on phone] Hey, Francis. How's school?
Francis:
Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.
Teacher:
Now, kids, Malcolm may not look different from the rest of us, but he is. In his brain.
Hal:
So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little
[Lego]
Hal:
community needs a school.
Dewey:
Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.
Hal:
Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.
Dewey:
And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal:
Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.
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Reese:
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... Puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over...
Dewey's thoughts:
Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you're going to be the president of Idaho, and anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.
Policeman:
What is it you said you're doing here?
Hal:
We're watching the cat.
Policeman:
I don't see a cat.
Hal:
We're not doing a very good job.
Hal:
These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.
Lois:
Drink your milk.
Dewey:
It's lumpy.
Lois:
Then chew it.
[Reese is holding a spoonful of mashed potatoes, aimed at Lois]
Malcolm:
[to the camera] It would take hours to explain the psychology of this event, so I'll just simplify.
[points to Lois]
Malcolm:
Dynamite.
[points to Reese]
Malcolm:
Kid with matches.
Otto:
Oh. Darling, I didn't want you to see me in my fury.
Gretchen:
Otto, I love your fury. Francis, isn't his fury magnificent?
Francis:
I... try not to look at his fury.
Reese:
Dewey. I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money. There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin.
Dewey:
He's my evil twin?
Reese:
No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin.
Dewey:
But, I don't want to be an evil twin.
Reese:
Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas.
[Malcolm learned to enjoy life and to stop thinking]
Francis:
[on the phone] Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
Malcolm:
What's the flavor?
Francis:
I don't know.
Malcolm:
Is it chocolate?
Francis:
I don't know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it's chocolate?
Malcolm:
No. I just like chocolate.
Francis:
Uhh, Malcolm, you didn't find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?
Malcolm:
I feel like crap and no one understands. Even you. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie:
And yet... you keep... talking.
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Lois
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:
Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids? They electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? Just remember, any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who will end up working in a car wash.
Malcolm:
This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.
Malcolm:
Now my brain is filled with mom-guilt.
Lois:
You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.
[Fixing dinner, Lois drops a roast on the floor, picks it up, begins to brush it off, and turns to find Dewey watching her]
Dewey:
Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side and I didn't see a thing.
Lois:
Deal.
Hal:
If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.
Piama:
My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit to eat the crap between your toes. Someone ought to cut that woman's belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails."
Francis:
I love you, too.
Malcolm:
I never even knew we had fancy silverware. When was the last time you used this?
Lois:
The night you were conceived. You want more details?
Doctor:
[after Dewey's stomach pump] He's fine. We didn't find any candles, but we did find some marbles. And the waistband to a pair of underpants.
Dewey:
Don't ask.
[the end of Francis' bedtime story to a group of young children]
Francis:
And the little boy, about your age, was found hanging in the moonlight. Strangled by his own intestines. And there was just enough life left in him to say, (Points at all the children) 'YOU'RE NEXT.'
Hal:
Think they got a beer guy around here?
Lois:
This is a charity event at an elementary school.
Hal:
Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?
Reese:
Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What's her name?
Dewey:
Ragina Tucker.
Reese:
Hmm, we'll think of something.
Lois:
Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.
Hal:
You're right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool there will be consequences.
Malcolm:
When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now.
Malcolm:
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Sorry, Damn. Stupid. I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything... and I'm fat.
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[Lois demands Hal get a vasectomy]
Hal:
Those parts mean a lot to me.
Lois:
You're not that guy, Hal. You never were that guy.
Hal:
When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.
Malcolm:
That's the way discussions go down in this family. I tell them my needs, and they say no. Then dad reveals another cartoon character he's afraid of.
Lois:
Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we would ever see is crap.
Reese:
I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on Earth.
Hal:
Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming, but you don't have to be. Yes, you're not going to be the youngest any more, and it is true the baby will get all of our attention for quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work around the house, and probably have to share the bedroom...
Lois:
What your father is trying to say is, there is no reason for you to be acting up like this. Now, get this mess cleaned up. And the baby is not talking to you.
Dewey:
It said you'd say that.
Lois:
So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.
Francis:
Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the guy who can't run fast.
Hal:
The baby's not due for a month. I told you it wasn't conceived in the elevator. It was Dewey's parent/teacher conference.
Lois:
Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.
Hal:
Now remember, boys, if you see the bobcat, don't be a hero. Stand on a chair and use your whistle.
Malcolm:
Just remember, as far as we know, Dewey has always been missing the tip of his finger.
Lois:
I think that if we gave Reese a little more responsibility, he would rise to the challenge. Now, I'm not talking about giving him a key to the house or anything.
Dewey:
That's my piggy bank. That was in my room.
Reese:
Relax, dipwad. I got two bucks for it.
Dewey:
It had sixteen dollars in it.
Reese:
Waa-waa. Spilt milk.
Lois:
Hal, just say it again, please. I really need to hear it.
Hal:
Okay. Reese... is hopeless.
Lois:
Thank you.
Hal:
This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago.
Reese:
What if we want to watch it again?
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Hal
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:
I found it in the dishwasher.
Malcolm:
I don't know what he did last night, but there's no hot water, and the toilet's full of sawdust.
Dabney:
Look, Malcolm, I know you think I'm a mamma's boy.
Malcolm:
No, mamma's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.
Reese:
You can't make me take a bath. I'll go outside and roll in the mud, and I'll go to bed that way.
Dewey:
[eating carrot sticks] I don't know what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.
Malcolm:
[to the camera] Francis and Piama came to visit at the same time Grandma is here. Eight people, seven sleeping places - guess who gets the shaft? This is my reward for being at the library when they asked for a volunteer.
Dewey:
[to Grandma Ida] We'll miss you.
Grandma Ida:
Even the little one lies!
Hal:
If you don't tell your mother, I'll let you squash something.
Dewey:
Can I squash Reese's bike?
Hal:
Sure. It's in the trunk.
Francis:
Is there some scientific way to find out if something is pudding without actually tasting it?
Reese:
That's the good thing about cheerleaders. They stampede easy.
Lois:
Honey, this is just a phase. Every teenager goes through it. I did, your father did; Francis cried in the shower every day for six months. Reese wouldn't get out of the dryer. It's awkward, and it's painful, you think it's never going to end. Now get out of bed. We're going to the zoo.
Reese:
I'm going to go hit the monkeys - I mean, go see the monkeys.
Clown #1:
Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now, buy a giraffe or go to hell.
Hal:
If this baby's half as bad as our least bad one, we're still ruined.
Malcolm:
Sleeping is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile. I can dream I'm somewhere decent.
Hal:
Dewey, go easy on the orange juice. That stuff doesn't grow on trees - wait, it does. So why is it so damn expensive?
Dewey:
All I ever had was being the youngest. Now I won't even have that.
Malcolm:
I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom.
Francis:
Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right.
Reese:
You take that back.
Francis:
Okay, and now you're smiling, which means in about two seconds I'm going to look like a jackass.
Piama:
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[indicating note from boys]
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I'm afraid it starts off a little antagonistic.
Francis:
[reading] Is that last word 'lick' or 'wipe?'
Piama:
I think you're safe either way.
Malcolm:
It's amazing all the different kinds of kids you meet when you're tutoring after school. In the last six weeks alone, I've met morons, idiots, lunkheads, jackasses and one imbecile.
Merl:
Our ranch has used this trail for over fifty years. We're not about to stop for a bunch of city boys playing 'horsey.'
Francis:
Look, just because it's a dude ranch doesn't mean I don't bust my ass the same as you.
[cell phone suddenly rings in musical fashion]
Earl:
Hey, cowboy, your fanny-pack's ringing.
Francis:
We might consider trying to reach a compromise.
Otto:
Do I look French to you ?
Lois:
It's so nice to have a boy in the house who's not a rude little monster.
Reese:
Hey, was that a shot at me?
Lois:
Yes, honey. It was.
Hal:
That's melba toast. If you can't make a sandwich out of that, you're just not trying hard enough.
Hal:
Keys. Where the hell are the keys?
Reese:
[Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go.
Francis:
Isn't that the bread maker Mom asked for last year?
Grandma Ida:
If she wants bread so much, she should write back when her mother writes to her. This was for Cousin Nicola. I spent a day shopping for it, then she marries a Protestant. That camera, for your father, right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store. All the nice things I do for people.
Francis:
Oh my God, you're crazy. I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts. Grandma, gifts aren't conditional. They're gifts. You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them. They don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?
Grandma Ida:
A lonely, bitter old woman. Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could've brought somebody some happiness and instead they rot here.
[Sarcastically]
Grandma Ida:
Oh. My hear... My heart. I think it's... Melting. Yes, it's melting. You've showed me the way, Francis, by yelling at me. Quick, go get my magic sled. And me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas to other mean, rude, stupid people. We'll all join hands and sing songs and we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust and...
Reese:
[Dewey wants to go to the arcade] What are you, twelve?
Dewey:
Yes!
Chad:
Pictures of things belong with the things that they're pictures of.
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Francis
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:
Hey, no-one ever said raising a pig would be easy!
Piama:
No-one ever said we'd be raising a pig! Listen, Francis, either you return Ralph to his pen tonight, or he's gonna be looking up at you from an omelet.
Lois:
[about Hal] He's battling his arch enemy.
Francis:
Is the squirrel back again?
Francis:
My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid.
Lois:
I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.
Hal:
I want Dewey to be proud of his old man.
[under his breath]
Hal:
One out of four wouldn't be so bad.
Reese:
Kids like me are dreaming about something like this. We look around the playground, we see normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse. Who do you think's gonna get creamed.
Dewey:
Is one of the normal kids fat?
Reese:
It doesn't matter. He's gonna be fat every day, but the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.
Commandant Spangler:
In my thirty years at this academy I have never caned the wrong cadet.
Hal:
Sir, did you say "caned?"
Commandant Spangler:
No.
Reese:
If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name, you can only ruin someone else's.
Dewey:
Mom, dad, guess what? The tooth fairy came.
Lois:
He did?
Hal:
Oh, so what'd he give you? A couple dollars?
Dewey:
I got a rock and a half a stick of gum.
Lois:
Malcolm. Reese.
Malcolm:
[to the camera] It's weird, all my life, Dad has been getting up every morning and dragging himself to a job he hates with every fiber of his being. I can't believe I never noticed. I guess I've been pretty self-centered... Oh, my God... What if that happens to me?
Stevie:
With my intelligence and tokenism, the sky's the limit.
Reese:
Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who...
Hal:
I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.
Reese:
Okay, thanks.
Francis:
I'm working for a moron.
Lois:
Of course you are, honey. Your boss is an idiot, your co-workers are incompetent and you are underappreciated. Welcome to the working world.
Hal:
Dewey, don't be scared, but there is a big spider next to you.
Dewey:
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Yeah dad, there's always a spider on bacon day.
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Hal:
Yes, Mr. Jackson, there is a perfectly good reason why I did not come in to work today. Because, I decided that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just did not sound like much fun. Well, I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree.
Reese:
Dewey, do you trust me?
Dewey:
No.
Reese:
Do you fear me?
Dewey:
No.
[pause]
Dewey:
Not in the long run.
Hal:
Okay, I'm not smart enough to figure out what you're up to. But when something bad happens, I am blaming you.
Malcolm:
Okay, maybe I was trespassing and I did hip-check her. And who knows, maybe she won't be that bad. Maybe she'll be like a grandma. Well you know, not like my grandma. Like a nice grandma.
[Knocks on the door; Mrs Griffen answers]
Malcolm:
Hi, I'm Malcolm. I'm the kid who broke your arm, I'm real sorry.
Mrs. Griffen:
[Hands him a jar] Fill this up. I'm not having any druggies in my house.
Malcolm:
Mom, I hate wearing Reece's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois:
Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.
Francis:
[Malcolm and Reese want to get rid of some strangers in their house and call Francis for help, who talks to the leader] You don't want me to get the cops over here, do you? And I'm sure you don't want me to tell them who pulled over the water tower.
Teen:
That was you, Francis.
Francis:
Really? So what about the highway overpass?
Teen:
That was also you.
Francis:
Car wash? The sink hole!
Teen:
All you!
Francis:
Well, you guys want to be in the house and I think that's ok.
[the guy closes the door]
Francis:
[to Malcolm and Reese] I think we gave them enough to think about.
Malcolm:
Reese, give me your pocket knife.
Reese:
Ok, but if you miss her you'll only make her madder.
[talking about Lois]
Malcolm:
I can't believe he could really be gone.
Dewey:
I know. Wow, this diaper's gotta be a 5-pounder!
Malcolm:
I'd like to think Jamie knew what it was for. It's so weird. It seems like all my life I wished that something horrible would happen to Reese. And now that is has I... I...
Dewey:
Miss him?
Malcolm:
Yeah.
Dewey:
I do, too. Remember when he shaved my eyebrows and glued them back on so I looked permanently surprised? That was genius.
Malcolm:
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Remember the pure joy he got on Christmas morning when he was smashing our presents? No matter how hard I tried, I could never make Mom's face turn to that special purple color... Reese purple.
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Francis:
You don't belong here, you belong at home.
Reese:
All right, fine. Tell me one thing about my life that would be better if I still lived at home.
[next scene - Malcolm, Francis and Dewey are coming out of Reese's apartment]
Malcolm:
I thought the toilet-seat-never-needs-warming argument was pretty good.
Dewey:
Maybe we honor Reese the wrong way. Reese wasn't into helping people and doing good deeds. He loved to smash things and destroy stuff for no reason. If we want to honor Reese, maybe we should think about doing it his way.
Malcolm:
You have something in mind?
Dewey:
[shows him a brochure] This kind of caught my eye.
Malcolm:
An art fair?
Dewey:
Just think what Reese would have done with it. They've got fold dancing, dream catchers, face-painting...
Malcolm:
They are kind of begging for it. I don't know...
Dewey:
And rapping grannies.
Malcolm:
Let me see that!
Malcolm:
[after Lois got mad at them for no special reason] What's her problem?
Reese:
Mom and Dad's life is so boring they have to invent stuff to be upset about.
Francis:
[talking about his grandma] I am not visiting this woman. She's evil and she hates me.
Lois:
Francis, this is family. This is grandma's first Christmas since grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?
Francis:
Well, did you invite her to your house?
[pause]
Lois:
She knows she's always welcome.
Francis:
Hey, maybe we'll both get on a bus and come down and surprise you.
Lois:
Don't you threaten me!
Reese:
Ok, I was thinking something like this lifeguard. Is there a straight guy version of that, cause that would be perfect for me.
Hal:
Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.
Reese:
Most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper; they've got no laws named after them. That's fine for most people, but I want more.
Reese:
This will be the most magnificent day of my life. I plan to float above the clouds and experience the joy that only birds can know.
Dewey:
You're going to fry yourself on high voltage wires.
Reese:
I'm not afraid. I have faith in my vision. I love you, Dewey.
[Starts to float off]
Reese:
This is incredible! I can see the top of Dad's car from here!
Dewey:
I'll miss you at first! No, I'M as surprised as you are. No, I'm as SURPRISED as you are. No, I'm as surprised as YOU are.
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Malcolm:
You like clouds?
Reese:
Yes, I like clouds! I call them sky kittens.
Young Malcolm:
I tried to make invisible ink, but I think I made chlorine gas.
Malcolm:
Okay, Reese. I finished your essay. A guaranteed A.
Reese's Girlfriend:
But I need an essay, and I can't afford an F.
Reese:
[rips his essay in half] Now we'll both get C's.
[Francis is being pursued by a gang and calls home]
Francis:
[over answering machine] Mom. Dad. Sorry I gotta whisper, but I'm calling from inside a washing... Hey, guys. What are you doing with those quarters? No! No! NO!
[screams]
Lois:
[entering the boys' room] What did you do?
Malcolm:
What?
Lois:
Don't give that look. What did you do?
Malcolm:
Nothing.
Lois:
Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
[opens a drawer]
Malcolm:
Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything.
Lois:
[notices the curtains are closed] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
[opens curtain]
Reese:
Are you done? Wanna frisk me?
Lois:
You just consider yourselves lucky.
[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door]
Dewey:
[tied up on back of door] That was close.
Malcolm:
Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.
Francis:
[finds cadet Finley in a cupboard] Finley, what are you doing in here?
Cadet Finley:
Poquito Cabeza!
Francis:
Get out of there.
Cadet Finley:
I can't. I've been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse!
Francis:
Please. Five seniors with limited imaginations.
Cadet Finley:
Easy for you to say. You've got Stanley protecting you, and you're not holding Poquito Cabeza.
Francis:
Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza" so much?
Cadet Finley:
I can't. Poquito Cabeza! Would you turn in my math homework for me?
Francis:
[erasing Finley's name and writing his own] Poor Finley. He's good at math, right?
Brothers of the Apocalypse:
[chanting] Finley, Boom-ba-yay. Finley, Boom-ba-yay.
Cadet Finley:
[gets carried away by gang] Oh, no. Aaaah!
Cadet Stanley:
Hold it. Fruit Loops?
[Finley hands him a cereal box]
Cadet Stanley:
Continue.
Cadet Finley:
[as gang continues to chant] No! No! No!
Hal:
Dewey, what have I said about snitching?
Dewey:
Only snitch when asked to snitch.
Lois:
I brought Brownies.
Dorene:
Well, isn't that thoughtful. Are those nuts?
Lois:
Walnuts.
Dorene:
Well, we can't have that. Some of the children are severely allergic.
Lois:
Oh, my gosh, I had no idea. Whose child is allergic?
Dorene:
Well, no-one in this class specifically, but you can never be too careful
[dumps the brownies in the trash]
Dorene:
Believe me, this wasn't meant to publicly humiliate you. I'm sure they were delicious.
Malcolm:
We have asbestos in the ceiling! Yay!
Dewey:
I just want you to know, if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl, it's on your head.
Lois:
No, it's not.
Stevie:
Outwitted... by a dumbass.
Francis:
I don't even know how to pronounce your last name.
Piama:
TA-NA-NA-HA-AK-NA.
Francis:
Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.
Grandma Ida:
I never know what you're talking about. You talk like a jackass.
[Francis gives her a card that plays "Jingle Bells"]
Grandma Ida:
You do this... to torture me?
Francis:
Well, look at that - 8:00 already. Way past my bed time. Where do I sleep?
Grandma Ida:
You're sitting on it.
Francis:
Does it turn into a bed?
Grandma Ida:
Yes, it becomes a bed.
[sarcastically]
Grandma Ida:
It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid.
Francis:
All right! It doesn't fold out!
Hal:
Before you saying anything, I don't want you to think of this as Christmas cider. This is non-denominational winter cider.
Craig Feldspar:
Malcolm, I think you're forgeting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"
Lois:
Fresh fruit? All-cotton underwear? A decent book? We don't sell this stuff!
Dewey:
Dad! The toilet lid was up and Jamie's tongue is blue again.
Malcolm:
Rhonda's a lesbian.
Lois:
Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked your shirt in.
Stevie:
Freedom's a glorious thing.
Otto:
Quiet please! If everyone could just stop their drunken revelling for one second...
Malcolm:
Grandma, I'm not going to hit you!
[turns to camera]
Malcolm:
No kid should ever have to say that.
Francis:
[earnestly] Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help.
Lois:
Mom, you hate boy bands, right?
Grandma Ida:
They're making a living. Give 'em a break.
Malcolm:
Why do we have to go shopping?
Lois:
Because you ruin everything you own. Your clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers.
Dewey:
Mine do.
Hal:
Lois, I keep finding your mother's teeth everywhere. Is she spitting them out or are they escaping?
Reese:
I'm the one who spit in Dewey's cereal this morning. I mean...
Dewey:
I drank that milk! I licked the bowl! I hate you!
Reese:
Hey, Dewey. You know I never gave you anything for your birthday?
Dewey:
Yeah.
Reese:
Well. Here.
[gives him a backpack]
Reese:
Happy birthday!
Dewey:
I already have a backpack.
Reese:
Not like this one. See this one has a whistle. Why are you flinching? I'm trying to give you something nice.
Dewey:
But I'm not gonna take it.
Reese:
Here, just hold it.
Dewey:
No.
Reese:
[pushes Dewey in his mattress] Why won't you let me do something nice? You're gonna wear this and there's nothing you can do about it!
Lois:
[about her parents] But at least we can be happy when they're gone.
Malcolm:
You mean when they drive back to Alaska?
Lois:
Yeah. That's what I meant.
Jessica:
So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks, and they still haven't carted him off yet!
Reese:
No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here everyday like you own the place! Go back outside and knock, and then go away!
Jessica:
Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the kerb in his underpants rolling burning trash cans down the street!
Reese:
The sad thing is that we're still the worst family on the block.
Hal:
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You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
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[the boys are teaching Craig how to fight dirty]
Reese:
For convenience, we have divided the human body into the three major theaters - the head...
[a watermelon with eggs for eyes]
Reese:
... the torso...
[a garbage bag full of sausages]
Craig Feldspar:
What are those?
[points to a bag of plums]
Reese:
You know what those are.
Malcolm:
Okay, let's think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?
Dewey:
Take me to the ice rink!
Reese:
Why would you want to go to the ice rink? It's cold there.
Dewey:
But they have good hotdogs.
Reese:
No, they suck! The ones at the train station are the good ones.
Dewey:
Why would a *diving board* want to go to the *train station*?
Reese:
I dunno, maybe it wants to visit relatives, or something.
Malcolm:
Okay, back inside the box.
Reese:
Guys! Guys! I just made an amazing discovery! When you mix blue and yellow together, you get a totally new colour! I call it... Blellow!
Reese:
[singing amazing grace] Amazing race, how sweet the tast, that saved a wretch for me. I once was in the lost and found, was blind but found my keys.
Hal:
[Bursts into the boys room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm:
How?
Lois:
[background] Oh my God!
Malcolm:
What did you do?
Hal:
Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois:
[background] Oh my GOD!
Malcolm:
Make it
Hal:
OK. You're a good son.
Lois:
[background] OH MY GOD!
Hal:
[grabs Malcolm and opens the door] Don't worry honey. I got him!
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