[in a childhood flashback] Mother Gagante: Ralphie, get you hand out of your pants. Grandmother: What, he should be different from all the other men in the family? Ralph: I'm half Italian-half Jewish. Which, I guess makes me a pizza-bagel. [Ralph descibing his vanity process] Psychiatrist: You get your back WAXED? Ralph: Yeah. Psychiatrist: Ouch. Ralph: Yeah, tell me about it. I'm Italian and Jewish. Twice the hair and the guilt. Johnathan: Let me tell you something. This happens to be real life. Money and power. That's all that counts out there in the world. Ralph: No, I don't think so. I... Johnathan: You're the best I ever had, kid. But pending a major change in your sex life - and I mean a MAJOR change - you are... on extended leave. Ralph: What? Johnathan: That's right. No chicks, no checks. [long awkward pause] Johnathan: Get the fuck out of here. Ralphie's First Little Girlfriend: Women still remember their first kiss long after men have forgotten the last. Johnathan: It's a snatch-22. You love women and they hate you for it. Elizabeth: You are really, really, really not well. Elizabeth: Face it, Ralph. Everything you say and do is designed to attract members of the opposite sex. Peter: Dude, you can't change your life. I love your life. It's like a porno movie, but with better lighting. There's great cheesy music, lots of hot women. You could use more lesbians, though. Ralph: Oh, you think so? Thanks for the tip. Ralph: Yeah, I'm up for more of this ego-deflating banter. Ralph: He who loves and runs away lives to love another day. Ralph: Listerine - the only thing to reach BEFORE the snooze button. Peter: Genius. Pure genius. Dr. Hubbins: Why are you stroking your fallus? Raplh: I don't know. It... it just feels good. Dr. Hubbins: Are you afraid it'll dissapear? Are you afraid that it'll fall off? That a woman will castrate it and take it away? Why don't you just accept it as a natural appendage like your foot? Rex: Oh, fresh oysters. Hey, do you like oysters? Ralph: No, I don't really get in to putting slippery, slimy, disgusting, wet, living organisms in my mouth. Rex: I guess you don't eat pussy, then. [she walks away, Ralph follows after her] Ralph: I could.