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[in a childhood flashback]
Mother Gagante:
Ralphie, get you hand out of your pants.
Grandmother:
What, he should be different from all the other men in the family?
Ralph:
I'm half Italian-half Jewish. Which, I guess makes me a pizza-bagel.
[Ralph descibing his vanity process]
Psychiatrist:
You get your back WAXED?
Ralph:
Yeah.
Psychiatrist:
Ouch.
Ralph:
Yeah, tell me about it. I'm Italian and Jewish. Twice the hair and the guilt.
Johnathan:
Let me tell you something. This happens to be real life. Money and power. That's all that counts out there in the world.
Ralph:
No, I don't think so. I...
Johnathan:
You're the best I ever had, kid. But pending a major change in your sex life - and I mean a MAJOR change - you are... on extended leave.
Ralph:
What?
Johnathan:
That's right. No chicks, no checks.
[long awkward pause]
Johnathan:
Get the fuck out of here.
Ralphie's First Little Girlfriend:
Women still remember their first kiss long after men have forgotten the last.
Johnathan:
It's a snatch- You love women and they hate you for it.
Elizabeth:
You are really, really, really not well.
Elizabeth:
Face it, Ralph. Everything you say and do is designed to attract members of the opposite sex.
Peter:
Dude, you can't change your life. I love your life. It's like a porno movie, but with better lighting. There's great cheesy music, lots of hot women. You could use more lesbians, though.
Ralph:
Oh, you think so? Thanks for the tip.
Ralph:
Yeah, I'm up for more of this ego-deflating banter.
Ralph:
He who loves and runs away lives to love another day.
Ralph:
Listerine - the only thing to reach BEFORE the snooze button.
Peter:
Genius. Pure genius.
Dr. Hubbins:
Why are you stroking your fallus?
Raplh:
I don't know. It... it just feels good.
Dr. Hubbins:
Are you afraid it'll dissapear? Are you afraid that it'll fall off? That a woman will castrate it and take it away? Why don't you just accept it as a natural appendage like your foot?
Rex:
Oh, fresh oysters. Hey, do you like oysters?
Ralph:
No, I don't really get in to putting slippery, slimy, disgusting, wet, living organisms in my mouth.
Rex:
I guess you don't eat pussy, then.
[she walks away, Ralph follows after her]
Ralph:
I could.
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