advertisement Debi: My work here is done. Time for the ritualistic sex! Debi: There is evil out there, and I'm gonna kick its ass! Anton: Who's your daddy now, bitch, huh? Who's your fucking daddy now? Mick: That is some one-hit shit. Pnub: As usual, marijuana saves an otherwise disastrous day. Anton: Hey, I didn't kill anyone on purpose, okay? Mick: Yeah, well, we weren't in hell! I mean, there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music... Anton: Music? Pnub: Yeah, kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices, they were saying, "come to us, come towards the light". Anton: So what happened? Mick: We figured, fuck it, I mean, it was really far! Mick: [to 911 operator] There is something wrong with my friend, I think he smoked some nutmeg or something. Anton: So, what are you guys doing here? Pnub: We need a place to kick it. Don't be selfish, Anton! No one else's parents are dead! Pnub: And if your mother had teeth, she wouldn't suck dick so well. What's your point?" Mick: I'm gonna go call 911. What's the number? Anton: [singing] Devil girl, with nothin' to lose, she's got wind in her hair and gum on her sho-o-o-es! Anton: We're gathered here today... um... because you're all dead. Mick: [holding an electric carving knife] Look at me! Look at me! I'm Leatherface! [Anton is about to chop off his 'evil' right hand] Mick: Wait a minute. If you chop off your right hand, how are you going to chop the other one off? Anton: Oh no, man, the lefty's a keeper. I mean, I guess it wasn't idle enough. Mick: Really? Anton: Oh yeah, I mean, I hit the remote with it, light up with it, relieve a little tension. No, this is the answer. Anton: You lied to me! Mick: You killed me, let's try to keep this thing in perspective here! Anton: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today because you're all dead... and it's all my fault. Mom, Dad, you fed me, kept a roof over my head until I killed you. Which I guess doesn't make me a very good son. But, I'm gonna try to change. [hand twitches] Anton: Mick, Pnub I'll never forget all those times we sat around, watched TV and got really, really stoned. And all those other times we just... well I guess that's all we did. [picks flowers from garden and throws them over the 'graves'] Anton: Amen. Anton: What the fuck are you doing, man? Come on, that's my dad! Pnub: CPR, man! I saw it on Baywatch, man! Pnub: Maybe we should clean that up. Mick: Yeah, and while we're at it, let's just clean the whole fuckin' house. Mick: Yeah, I was a little bitter about the getting killed by my best friend thing, but I've had time to get over it. Pnub: Why would we go to hell? We're not bad, we're not exactly good or anything, but at least we don't go around killing people! Girl outside Burger Jungle: Like this one time they asked me to go on a double date, and I thought they were 'tards or something... [starts crying] Girl outside Burger Jungle: ... so I told them to go blow each other. Randy: Wow! Did they? Anton: [while attempting to cut his hand off] This is it, I know it. Pnub: Those things won't even cut my bagel. Pnub: You scream like a girl. Anton: All I do is sit around all day, smoke pot, watch TV... Mick: No, no! No Kevin Costner speech, let's just go! Mick: Anton it's killing me to see me to see you this stressed out man. You cut off your hand in the interest of who knows how many others. So, what I want you to do is take a little Anton time. Okay just relax, kick back my man. Anton: No, no, no, you know what? Not this time. Okay I'm through with that, I mean all I do is I sit around all day I veg out, I watch TV, I smoke pot ... Mick: No, no, no, no Kevin Costner speeches okay? Let's just go. Pnub: Hey, don't forget my bong. Mick: You did not make that bong. Pnub: Yeah, I arc-welded it and shit. Mick: You don't even take auto shop. Pnub: Fuck you! Pnub: This ain't Dominos you lazy bitch, come get it yourself! Mick: It's Mighty Joe bong! Pnub: Why don't you just go over there and tell her your name. Maybe she'll think you're... funny or something. Anton: Everybody go home, there's a psycho killer here! I cut off my hand, and now it's gonna kill you all! Tanya: No, screw him! I mean, he'll be fine. [Molly's dress rips revealing her underwear] Pnub: Bet she wins best costume. Mick: SWEET JESUS! Pnub: Ok, that wasn't my fault, that thing should've come down a LOT slower! Mick: Let's go walk through a nurse. Mick: Hey, you're right, Anton screams like a girl. [after the anticlimactic destruction of the hand] Mick: That's it? That's it? No explosions, no hellfire, no - [screeches demonically] Mick: I mean, no, I'm glad everybody's all right, but... that was weak. Randy: Oh man, I cannot believe you cock-blocked me like that. I thought we were buds! [after seeing the message on the ceiling] Dad Tobias: It's just a prank [clicks off flashlight] Dad Tobias: Anton. Mom Tobias: Anton? Our little scooter would never do something like that! Dad Tobias: Quit calling him that baby name. Anton would not scoot his behind off the couch if the house was on fire! Anton: [Hears moaning coming from Mick's grave] Mick? Mick: Over here. Anton, help me. Come on, man, I can't breathe down here. Anton? Anton, can you hear me? Anton: [Kneels and leans over Mick's grave] Mick? Mick: Yeah man, it's Mick. Anton: You're dead! Mick: No I'm not! You conked me on the head pretty good. I must've been unconcious. Anton: You think? Mick: I know fucker, now dig me up! Pnub: Don't you watch the news? Anton: I hate that fucking show. Randy: Idle hands are the devil's playground. Pnub: Watch the head. It's on kinda loose.