"Tenacious D" (1999) 8.6

Paul: Ok, up next, these two guys have been here for the last couple weeks. They asked me to read this: "Warning. If you want your asses blown out, stay in the room." Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D. Jack Black: Where do songs come from? Inspirado. Jack Black: Sometimes you gotta leave your zone of safety. You have to manufacture Inspirado. You gotta get out of the apartment. You've got to run with the wolves. You've got to dive into the ocean and fight with the sharks. Or just treat yourself to a delicious hot fudge sundae. With nuts. Jack Black: Let's kick it. I'll say "Kick it," and you'll just kick it with a tasty groove, ok? One, two, three, kick it. Kick it. Come on, god DAMMIT. GOD, KYLE. COULD YOU ONE TIME KICK IT, WHAT THE FUCK? Jack Black: Kyle, if I was in a wheelchair, would you visit me? Feed me? Brush my teeth? Kyle Gass: Yes. Jack Black: Would you read to me? Kyle Gass: Why couldn't you read? Jack Black: Just don't want to. Kyle Gass: Yes. Jack Black: Would you take a bullet for me? Kyle Gass: No. Paul: Ok, this next act asked me to read this. "Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, and Molly Hatchet could not be here tonight, but they all had sex and are proud to announce the birth of their two-headed baby, Tenacious D." Groupie: Hey, boys. You were incredible. Your songs, the way you moved... you did it. You blew me away. So which one of you assholes is gonna fuck me? Kyle Gass: ...I will. [describing Flarna] Kyle Gass: What's she like? Jack Black: She's totally into Satan. Kyle Gass: You love Satan. Jack Black: I know. She's got her spine pierced. Kyle Gass: Dude, you're totally into spinal piercing. Jack Black: And she loves to clog. [Jack finds Kyle trying to beat him to Flarna's heart] Jack Black: Hi, Kyle. How's the clogging coming along? Hi, Flarna. Flarna: Hi. Jack Black: Jack. Flarna: Oh yeah. Jack. You fixed my car. Jack Black: No, no, we met at the thing... Paul: Ok, the next band asked me to read this. "Caution: The surgeon general of rock warns that viewing this band is equal to 29 orgasms." Here they are, Tenacious D. [Looking for Jack's guitar pick] Kyle Gass: I got it.... no wait, that's a bottle cap Jack Black: Kyle. Did you look underneath THE BAR? Kyle Gass: Yeah, nothing. Paul: Ok, you guys, seriously, sincerely, you have to get out of here. We're closed. Jack Black: Look, tomorrow when you're cleaning the floor if you find... Paul: We only clean on holidays. Jack Black: Lee, why are you crying? Lee: You guys are scaring me, you're sick and I hope that you never get well [describing obsessed fan, Lee] Jack Black: This guy is total stalkerazzi. Kyle Gass: He's full love-knife material. Jack Black: Love knife? Kyle Gass: Yeah, they get in close, too close, 'Man, I love you guys so much, I have to show you... ' [pretends to stab Jack] Kyle Gass: And then, you're bloody all over, and they think they're doing a good thing... Lee: Guys. Jack Black, Kyle Gass: AHHHHH. Jack Black: Kyle, what's wrong? Kyle Gass: Dude, I'm... I'm balding. Jack Black: Yeah, dude, you ARE bald. Kyle Gass: DING. BalDING. Jack Black: Yeah, ding. Balding Jack Black: If was gonna say just one thing to y'all tonight, I'd say set the artist free. I'm talking about this artist in here, set it free. I'm saying quit yo' day job. Now I know a lot of you here are saying, 'I can't quit my day job, I got kids to feed Jack'. Quit ya day job, focus on your craft one time. Before it's all over, you've died, you've squandered it, YOU FUCKIN' ROBOTS. Jack Black: Now after a couple of years of your focusing earnestly on your craft, KG & I will swoop in. We will check out your progress and encourage you TO CONTINUE. Or we will say STOP... and then seriously, you MUST STOP/ Captain Ed: I was in a band once, a couple of bands. Yup, I've seen it all. I drove a car into a hotel room once. Had a three-way with a pair of Siamese twins. Ate an ENTIRE HORSE. Captain Ed: 1967, I'm onstage at the Filmore East. Jimi Hendrix is backstage, throwing up. Mama Cass is stewing up a pot of her famous spaghetti pie. Janis Joplin is washing dishes and throwing up. And then the cops bust in. Captain Ed: My guitar's on fire, I'd been up all night shooting cheese balls, that's cocaine and cheese. Paul: There's a

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cover charge. Jack Black: Piece of the gate. Pro Gig. Paul: No, you'd actually have to pay the cover to get in. Kyle Gass: It's still a fuckin' road gig. Paul: Hey guys, guys, guys, um, listen, can you take next week off? Jack Black: You think we need a break? Paul: Actually, I think we need a break. Jack Black: What's that smell? Jesus Ranch Cult Leader: Oh that, the collective leaving of the brethren. Jack Black: You mean your shits? Jesus Ranch Cult Leader: Our "cult" has a simple philosophy, each time you produce a stool, you part with a portion of your soul. We save our droppings so that when we die, we may be buried with them and be complete before entering the next world. Kyle Gass: Skylight. Skylight. Club Sign: Open Mike Night: You've seen the rest, now see more. Jack Black: Power sause will keep you rockin' all day and night. Kyle Gass: Hey Jack, are they're any side effects? Jack Black: Yeah, you itch like a mother fucker. Neighbor: Hey. Stop whistling over there.