Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night? Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party. Lois Griffin: And what did you do? Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one. Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb. Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you. Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple. [riding a circus elephant] Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change. Stewie Griffin: [to ticket agent] Now listen to me... [looks at agent's name tag] Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES. Lois Griffin: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car? Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"? Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me. Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together? [Lois giggles] Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind. Lois Griffin:
Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. Brian Griffin: Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home! [She looks at the non-Griffins] Meg Griffin: Who are you? Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins! Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're the fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're the Olsen twins? Olsen Twin # 1: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Olsen Twin # 2: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here? [Cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed] Franescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party. [nasally laugh] Lois Griffin: Oh, I do not sound like that. Oh this is terrible, with the laughingstock in the town, and we lost our daughter! Prince Adam: [draws Sword of Power] [shouts] Prince Adam: I have the power! [becomes He-Man] Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it ok first. Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone! -Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet. Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce! Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends. Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident. [puts the tape into the VCR] Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee! [cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. cuts to Peter laying on the ground] Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now! Peter Griffin: There you have it. Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame [rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses] Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car. Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook. Tom Tucker: Get out. Stewie Griffin:
Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.