Bizzare comedy sent in the fictional English town of Royston Vasey, whose inhabitants include a transexual taxi driver, a family obsessed wi...更多>
Edward: Hello, hello. What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here. Iris Krell: He has made me do things that would make a whore blush. Tubbs: You lied to me Edward. You lied to me. There is a Swansea... and other places. David: I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be? Tubbs: [Looks around and counts on her fingers] Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds. 'Tubbs' Tattsyrup: Are you... local? Edward: I used to be in a war. And I put paid to quite a few like you, this is a decent town and a local shop, there's nothing for you here. Tubbs: Tell him I can't have babies anyway. Tell him my insides are all wrong. Edward: Go on then, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home, [shouts] Edward: rape our dead mouths! Just as long as I don't have to hear any more of your disgusting babble. Edward: You people are all alike, You march in here, young! try and touch the local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint, smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement. [repeated line] Alvin Steele: Home is the hunter! Phil: What people forget is gays are normal, regular, healthy guys. Olly Plimsoles: Dykes on the other hand are evil. Dave: Ollie! Olly Plimsoles: Picture the scene, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man. Only it's not actually man. It's a big fat lezza smoking *my* pipe and wearing my slippers! [Phil tries to calm Ollie down] Olly Plimsoles: [shouts]
Don't touch me, you poof! Anyway, what was I saying? Tolerance is an important issue...
Tubbs: Will heaven be like Swansea? Edward: Yes, Tubbs. Only... bigger. [repeated line] Reenie Calver, Vinnie Wythenshaw: That Merril! Pamela Doove: [shouts] Eskeewd beef! Have anybody got any bokkle oran doove? [talking about his/her sex change operation] Barbara Dixon: One little prick and it'll all be over. Then they cut my cock off. Edward: How much to leave the shop and never come back? Seventy? Eighty? All right a pound. Pauline: Hokey-cokey-pig-in-a-pokey. Pauline: Can you tell me what this is? Ross: Its a pen Pauline: Yes its a pen, one of Pauline's pens. Edward: We don't bother the outside world, we don't want it bothering us. Pauline: Do you see how easy it is? its as simple as Mickey. Iris Krell: Don't do anything I would'nt do... that wont leave her many options. Edward: this is a local shop the strangers you would bring would not understand us, our customs, our local ways. Les McQueen: Everyone knew me round here, I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn. Tubbs: Edward, will more strangers come? Edward: Calm yourself Tubbs. None shall come. Judee Levinson: I wouldn't stone clad my house it would look like a white filling in a mouth full of rotten teeth. Judee Levinson: Be careful with that nightie, it costs more than you owe Kays catalogue. Pauline: Some of us, like Ross here, will want to follow in their father's footsteps... but you can't sign on forever. Tubbs: Look Edward a shooting star. Should we make a wish? Edward: Yes Tubbs, wish for an end to this plague of strangers, for our futures to remain local and for new road to be totally destroyed. Tubbs: And can I have a new dress please. Harvey Denton: Perhaps you are a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent, a dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread eagled on pillows forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm. Pauline: Watch your language. Mickey: English. Pauline: No WATCH. Tubbs: Come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky. David: About 7 then? Val Denton: We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa bed, you'll have your own shower and WC. Harvey Denton: Into which we do not pass solids. Ross: How's he going to get a job if you don't let him go for his interview? Pauline: How's he going to get an interview if he doesn't know his job options? Ross: But he's already got an interview. Mike Harris: [a good time later] The thing is we're banking on this road but what if it doesn't happen? Brian Morgan: I thought it was a dead cert. Mike Harris: Our company needs... Geoff Tipps: PLUMS! Brian Morgan: You what? Geoff Tipps: It's plums, go on. Brian Morgan: Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now. Geoff Tipps: Course it bloody matters! He's right near the end. There's only the Irish man left. Come on Brian. The chief turns to the Irish man, "Death or Mau Mau." Mike Harris: You didn't do the voice. Geoff Tipps: Don't matter. Finish it. Brian Morgan: I can't remember. Geoff Tipps: Finish it. Brian Morgan: I can't remember it Geoff. Geoff Tipps: Please. Brian Morgan: Geoff. I honestly can't remember. Geoff Tipps: [crying] It's just a big bloody joke to you isn't it? Oh, Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff is a joke. Geoff enters a talet competition and loses. Me mam said I would win. I was only eight. WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA? Geoff Tipps: [pulls out gun] Oh you're listening now. Well you, are going to tell this joke. [looks around him] Geoff Tipps: And we're all gonna laugh. Or Mike gets it! [puts gun to Mike's head] Brian Morgan: All right Geoff. For God's sake, I'll finish the joke. The chief says "Death or Mau Mau", the Irish man looks at his fruit. Geoff Tipps: PINEAPPLES! THEY'RE... Brian Morgan: Pineapples! He looks at them and says "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau, I choose death." And the chief says to him... Mike Harris: [Geoff cocks the gun] Get it right Brian. Brian Morgan: He says... I can't remember. Mike Harris: He says, "Death by Mau Mau." [pause] Geoff Tipps: [calmly] Oh, you heard it? Mike Harris: Yeah. Mickey: What time is it, Ross? Ross: You've got a watch on.