Executive transvestite Eddie Izzard takes his show to San Francisco to give a brief history of pagan and Christian religions, the building o...更多>
[narration over stock footage] Eddie: San Francisco! City of gleaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here, they built buildings with things. Eddie: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Eddie: If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Eddie: I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Eddie: You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Burundi says do you want a cup of coffee, you're not supposed to go " [Growls] Eddie: I'm in here!" Eddie: Most transvestites fancy girls. Eddie: When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy. Eddie: What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdinck! Yes, that'll work. Eddie: Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuck-head! Eddie: Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Eddie: We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't! Eddie: Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep. Eddie:
And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"
Eddie: There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? Eddie: You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT! That's a pretty good dream. Eddie: We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Just sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country you bastard!" "No flag, no country! You can't have one. That's the rules... that... I've just made up! And I'm backing it up with this gun... that was lent from the National Rifle Association." Eddie: You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!" Eddie: Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitte!" [Re: The European Union] Eddie: It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way! Eddie: Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and [gasps, starts, then pauses and looks around, wide-eyed] Eddie: go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always... I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So, that's very much like the army. Eddie: Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies! Eddie: The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that. Eddie: You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it! Eddie: Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death? [about the Anglican faith] Eddie: Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "Well, what should I do?" "Well, drink 5 Bloody Mary's... and you won't remember. Eddie: Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'" Eddie:
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!